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Original poster

To wonder how to act around DH

38 replies

Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 13:52

DH and I have been going through a 'bad patch' for the past few months. He has really changed from who he used to be and isn't interested in me or family life so much anymore. I don't know whether it's just him feeling down or what it is, but he is very snipey - changing everything I say into a negative, or even when we're having a great day he will try and create an argument to lower the mood again :(

I've just come to a place where I just don't want to fight any more. I'm trying to 'fake it til we make it' and being nice to him even when I feel like i hate him. By ignoring his remarks, in return he seems to stop and cheer up a bit.

I'm just trying to make it through to the other side. How do i act around him during this time? Everytime I 'push' to talk things through with him, it makes it worse. We've been together for 15 years and have two small DC. I just want my lovely DH back.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/05/2018 13:55

Is the change sudden? I’d be concerned about an OW but I’m a paranoid bint.

Merryoldgoat · 15/05/2018 13:56

I meant was it sudden when it happened a few months ago.

Pa1oma · 15/05/2018 13:58

Is he under pressure at work? Mid-life crisis? What do you sense is going on?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/05/2018 14:08

Ugh, this sounds horrible for you. ☹️

Could you have it out with him? Stand your ground and stay calm, but refuse to finish the conversation before he explains fully why he's insisting on being such a grumpy bastard?

That's what all the feisty, no-nonsense women in my family would tell you to do! I'm more of a pushover, but I try to channel them.

Can you snoop too? Check his phone, his car, and all that?

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 14:09

There is no OW. I feel like he feels trapped and unhappy. The DC are hard work, our life is routine, and we;re like strangers living in the same house - everything i do he either ignores or it annoys him.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 15/05/2018 14:11

Sounds really hard work op.

Any thoughts at all as to what's up? Work? Other woman? Is he more secretive?

If he absolutely won't talk about it, snooping may be your only option.

Starface · 15/05/2018 14:12

Have you asked him what is going on? You don't seem to have a good understanding of his perspective, and I wonder if you could say you've noticed he seems quite unhappy and you wondered what was going on for him? At the very least an understanding of his perspective will help inform you how to act, including if there are ways to help him. Sometimes just putting something on the table can help people open up a bit. If you can do this from a place of concern it will help, although if you have been fighting a lot he might be primed to see it as an attack. But hold your nerve and don't let it descend in to a fight, and you might gain new understanding. There could be many different things underlying this pattern of behaviour.

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 14:14

If I push him to talk about it, he won't listen and refuses to acknowledge his behaviour. I honestly feel that it makes it so much worse. He's not a 'talker' and i know that pushing him on this will push him to do something ridiculously drastic that I know he will regret...leaving us.

OP posts:
Furano · 15/05/2018 14:14

Sounds like he wants out of family life :-(

BastardGoDarkly · 15/05/2018 14:14

Sorry, cross posted.

It sounds like he's maybe fallen out of love a little bit?

Have you tried being direct? .... do you still want to be married dh?

I'd rather get it all out there than live like this, it sounds miserable.

KinkyAfro · 15/05/2018 14:24

If he wants out I'd let him go, he doesn't sound much fun to be around and the kids will pick up on the negativity

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 14:24

Talk to him, 'it feels like you've been pretty unhappy lately, what's going on? I'd like to think we can fix this'

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 14:31

Try using assertive communication;
Describe the situation (no opinions facts only, keep it short and to one point)
Express (how you feel, use I statements, I feel anxious/upset etc rather than YOU get on my nerves are grumpy etc, it's less accusatory and less likely to put someone on the defensive)
Say what you want (in an ideal world...)
Outcome (sell it to him in terms of how that outcome is good for him, for you and for your family unit)
You might not get what you want but it's hard to argue with and you should at least be heard.
Eg
D- I've noticed we're not getting on as well as we used to and you seem unhappy
E- I feel upset and worried about our marriage
S- I'd like us to be able to talk about what's going on without anyone feeling blamed, so we can see if we can work on it.
O- if we can get past this it might help you to feel happier and we can have good times again, I think we'd all like that.

It just comes across better than; you're always moody, you never listen, we need to talk about your behaviour because it's winding me up, etc etc

Allfednonedead · 15/05/2018 14:34

Hi, my DH and I both occasionally go through this - with 3 DC in two years and demanding jobs, it’s not surprising.

We’ve found a really simple but effective cure, though. Just spending a bit of time together without the children. We’re lucky enough that we can sometimes meet for lunch in the working day, and a friend will babysit sometimes so we can go out for an evening.

We don’t try and talk about the problem, or aim to have a romantic date, just spend an hour or two in each other’s company. After that, somehow, we usually find we’re on better terms while under pressure back at the coal face.

Crispbutty · 15/05/2018 14:40

Do you spend any time as a couple. If not, then that could be a way to things improving.

Merryoldgoat · 15/05/2018 15:17

We had a similar phase and spent alone time together and it really helped. Even just having a romantic dinner after the kids are in bed with no TV was a real time for connection.

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 20:45

We don't spend any time together just the two of us. I don't think he'd even want to. I said I was going to fake it til I made it but it's just so difficult - tonight he walked in in a terrible mood and I just can't stand it so lose my cool :(

OP posts:
Tinlegs · 15/05/2018 20:47

Can you find small, fun things to do together? Little things you might both enjoy?

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 20:48

It's just the constant undercurrent of this mood he can't lift himself out of. It's like he enjoys it. I catch glimpses of the old dh every now and then but it's like he catches himself being too happy and just reverts back to moodiness.

OP posts:
mustIreally · 15/05/2018 20:55

I could have written this. Exactly how it was for us. He moved out over a year ago and we (me and kids) so much happier now. Still no clear reason why. We'd been together nearly 20 years and had 3 kids. He didn't want to deal with family life anymore and so pushed us away. He does have anxiety issues though which made it harder.
Heartbroken but not much else I could do. Tried the spending time together thing, counselling etc. I just think it was too much for him. Looking back it was the right thing for us. Am not saying that it's right for you. You can only do so much if the other person is not willing to try. Fash84 has a good way of putting it across. I hope it works out for you.

Henrysmycat · 15/05/2018 20:56

Stop pandering to a petulant child and start clearing up the air. Ask him, some good advice further up the comments.
If he’s not interested in you or your family, I’m sure you can be alone or find someone else who doesn’t make your life a misery.
I couldn’t live like you OP. I’m sorry.

Underworld345 · 15/05/2018 21:00

Give him an ultimatum? What if he doesn’t change? Could you leave him?

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 21:04

I can't leave him, we have a disabled child, as well as another child, which prevents me from working.

OP posts:
Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 15/05/2018 21:05

A strange thing is that if I back off and give him the cold shoulder, he comes running back, trying to cheer me up. Which makes me think this is just some weird game he's playing.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/05/2018 21:09

Book some therapy if he won't come with you go on your own.

I really do suspect someone else even if he just fancies them and nothing has happened...,

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