To wonder how to act around DH

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DH and I have been going through a 'bad patch' for the past few months. He has really changed from who he used to be and isn't interested in me or family life so much anymore. I don't know whether it's just him feeling down or what it is, but he is very snipey - changing everything I say into a negative, or even when we're having a great day he will try and create an argument to lower the mood again :(

I've just come to a place where I just don't want to fight any more. I'm trying to 'fake it til we make it' and being nice to him even when I feel like i hate him. By ignoring his remarks, in return he seems to stop and cheer up a bit.

I'm just trying to make it through to the other side. How do i act around him during this time? Everytime I 'push' to talk things through with him, it makes it worse. We've been together for 15 years and have two small DC. I just want my lovely DH back.

I know you say you are prevented from walking because of your children, one of whom is disabled, but be honest: there is nothing preventing HIM from walking. Nothing. Which means you would have to find a way to get on if he did.

So decide what you want. What you can live with. And challenge him to be in the marriage. Be a part of the family. Or to figure out why he isn't present any more. Because you can't continue to live like this.

Good luck. I hope he comes to his senses.

The constant negativity sounds like he might be a bit depressed. Husband has had a couple of bouts of this. He says, it’s not sadness. he just can’t see anything positive at all when he is in the midst of it.

Sorry but I would be suspicious of another woman too.

He is trying to sabotage your marriage to allay his guilt and make it easier to leave.

You could be me OP.

DH and I have been together 15 years and we have one young DC. Not that long ago we were as you describe, two strangers living in the same house. DH was always in a bad mood, depressed, wouldn’t really talk to me. I work full time and he often works away so life is stressful enough without him adding to it.

I tried and tried talking to him, asking him what was wrong. Telling him to go to the GP.

Until I got to the end of the line with what I would accept. So I told him he either talked to me and we sorted it out, or he got a grip and sorted himself out because I wasn’t living that way and I would leave. It seems to have worked, we talked, he was under a lot of pressure with work. He took some time off and we re-planned our finances so he doesn’t have to work away so much. He is the man I married again.

I wouldn’t put up with it if I were you. Life is too short, if he left you’d need to cope. So you can cope if you want to leave.

You haven't said the level of disability your child has, but even with toddlers, it is a relentless grind with children. There are days when you think it's endless, that there will never be an end to the situation, and yes it gets you down. And it get s the men-folk down too. I refused to give up my job, I needed my sanity, but I know whats its like to hate coming home from work, it becomes a different sort of grind. But eventually it passes.

You just have to keep on in there.

Why are you so convinced there’s not an OW?

It’s pretty standard behaviour for a man having an affair but not wanting to ‘the bad guy’, so just makes the relationship miserable until the wife ends it.

Walking on eggshells is no way to conduct a relationship let alone a marriage.

It's not right that he's checked out of family life - presumably leaving you to deal with the dc.

You're going to have to talk it out. If you are too scared to do so because you feel it will be the death knell of the marriage then it doesn't sound like there's much of a marriage here at the moment.

Look at it like this; either way you can't go on living like this.

I was just going to say similar to myname

If it was me I'd very directly say dh either you want us to work or you don't.
If you do then we need to find a way to sort whatever is wrong either by talking or going to therapy etc
If you don't then that's up to you but I absolutely won't live my life like this anymore.

You've got to think about it.

Either way things change or were over.

The thing is, no matter what the excuse, if he loved you he wouldn't act like that, and if he loved you he'd tell you what's the matter, so either way, I'd tell him to either tell you what's up and see if together you can fix it or call it a day, but I certainly wouldn't change who you are to accommodate someone who treats you like shit. Be strong and give him the ultimatum he's probably wait for.

I also recognise some things in your OP. if course he may be having an affair but there are plenty of other possibilities. depression is a bugger and men are far less likely to admit to being depressed. You need to talk to him though. can you organise a babysitter for an evening and just go out for a drink and a chat?

My DP has been like this, but that was because of a lot of other stuff. We also have a disabled child, you can still leave believe me. Number one you cannot just put up with crap!

Definitely do not pander, what you are doing is described here as the ‘pick me dance’ where your DP emotionally detached and you dance around trying to win him back. Of course he’ll like that. It’s rewarding.

Don’t reward him for this. You’ve made it clear you are still there for him when he wants to talk. So no need to do this anymore and it hasn’t worked anyway.

Distance yourself instead. Get active either by going out or getting into a project at home. Chat to friends. Go to the cinema. Take evening walks. Get living. Even if you have to force every single step. Pamper yourself. Get your own head straight.

Either that or you are headed for an unhealthy codependent relationship which will make you sink.

Has the affection naturally died out a bit? Try cuddling, suggesting something to watch together, spontaneous appreciation for things and affection etc when you're together.
Its easy to get distant and not have time to act like a couple with young kids.

Yes, it has died out a bit naturally. Although we still have sex quite a few times a week, although we haven't for over a week now (maybe that's why he's so grumpy). I started trying to get the affection back gradually. I started cuddling him at night again, and a few days later, he started doing the same in return.