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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What can grandparents do?

52 replies

Storm4star · 15/05/2018 09:28

I have seen literally countless threads on here complaining that GPs did this, that and the other and have offended/upset the parent.

When I was a kid, grandparents did spoil you. That was a given. It didn’t make me expect the same treatment from my parents, I understood all along that the rules were different when I was with them. I have a million fond memories of my GPs and, especially now they’re both gone, I cherish those memories.

If the grandparent of your child was a toxic parent then yes I can understand limiting or even cutting contact, but otherwise I just don’t get why people are so controlling over what GPs do when they have their grandkids over.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/05/2018 09:36

I'm a GP. I do like to treat my GC. But I always have in my mind if it would be something the parents would be ok with. Even down to the sort of clothes I buy. I don't push boundaries and I think this is why I have a decent relationship with DIL. She's the mother not me.

I do think there are some strong willed DILs on MN that seem to find offence in everything their inlaws do though, obviously sometimes this will be justified but there are times I do wonder if they are compounding the problem. I also think that MN enables them to think their attitude is perfectly fine.

FrogCow · 15/05/2018 09:39

My mum does 6 hours free childcare for me, she can pretty much do what she likes. I trust her implicitly and we have similar parenting styles, which I think is pretty key.

Original poster
Storm4star · 15/05/2018 09:44

I have adult DCs but no grandkids yet. I would like to think that I will handle it like you, Great duck. Respect the parents wishes but to also be able to give them little treats.

My DD has been with her partner for 5 years now and they’re talking about having a child in the next couple of years so we have discussed some of these things anyway. Luckily I get on really well with her DP so I hope we can avoid any major issues!

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 15/05/2018 09:45

I think treating depends on frequency.

If you see GPs once every 3 months then it is different from the GCs being collected every day after school by the GPs. In the latter case, the GPs are effectively 'in loco parentis' and therefore 'treating' the whole time would be inappropriate.

It also depends on the child. One of mine was hopeless with grey areas of rules, she needed (still needs) very black and white rules, so GPs altering/bending them would have been very confusing for her.

The main thing is though that people come on MN to sound off, so you aren't likely to hear the silent majority who get along just fine.

hildabaker · 15/05/2018 09:46

I too am a grandparent and I think GPs must understand that the GC's parents are more important than the GP. I think that sometimes there is a personality clash to be sure, but if in doubt, always go with what the parents want.

abbsisspartacus · 15/05/2018 09:47

My grandparents didn't spoil me I got to eat veg do chores and told off if I was naughty we got 20p to go to the shops but we also got to pick up food if needed while we were there

Original poster
Storm4star · 15/05/2018 09:47

The main thing is though that people come on MN to sound off, so you aren't likely to hear the silent majority who get along just fine

That’s a fair point.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/05/2018 09:47

You'll be all right Storm - you'll be a DM not a MIL. It's MILs who aren't allowed to do anything (or nothing) with their GC.

Bearhunter09 · 15/05/2018 09:51

I think it’s imporyant that grandparents have a different relationship with the kids than parents. I think the line is a blurred though where grandparents are relied so much on for childcare though. I love my DS sees his grandparents as fun, that they spoil him, bit more lax on disciplin etc. It shows from an early age the different relationships you can have with grown ups

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 09:51

My mum has just announced DB & SILs second pregnancy on FB before they have. Sometimes boundaries are crossed. They actually haven't said anything to her (I would) but are upset. It's why we haven't told her we're expecting yet, no scan and it's our first so we'd like to be able to share our news. I would expect GPs to spoil a bit but respect parents wishes. I've seen on here however people flip out over nothing eg grandad trimmed DCs nails and that's not the day of the week we do it, wtf?!

Fruitcorner123 · 15/05/2018 09:52

I saw a news article which suggested that grandparents are treating our kids to sweets and fast food as has always been a grandparents' prerogative but because they often have regular care these days(rather than just occasional visits) it is contributing to childhood obesity problems. Mine help with my children and they often get sweets or an ice cream. We just don't buy any for them ourselves other than occasionally and they know that. if anything it makes our lives easier. I wouldn't try and dictate what they do as long as my children are safe which I know they are. They love going to their grandparents'

OverTheMountain42 · 15/05/2018 09:53

Very relaxed with grandparents, all mine had died by the time I was 8, plus they lived 300 miles away. I felt really left out and that I missed out on grandparents and so I encourage a good relationship for my DS with his grandparents.

My mother however is a drug taking psychopath so he hasn't seen her since he was 11 months old.
My Mil is a nasty cow who recently told me 'i know how it feels to have a mil who doesn't like you' basically admitting what I've known for the past 10 years that she doesn't like me. She favours her granddaughter anyway.

My fil and own father are fantastic with DS and forever spoiling him, doing all sorts of outside stuff and he genuinely adores both of them. It's tricky, I think if you can see them for being genuine rather than some that clearly use their grandchildren to get to the parents then grandparents can be wonderful.

Mxyzptlk · 15/05/2018 09:53

The 'complaining' threads can't all be lumped together.
If the individual complaint is a reasonable one, then the mum/dad is quite right to be annoyed.

roseblossom75 · 15/05/2018 09:54

I owe my happy childhood to my grandparents.
They stepped in when my mum suffered mental health problems.
If it wasn't for them my world would have fallen apart.

Sadly my children don't have any grandparents in their lives and that honestly feels like a huge gaping hole.

I would have given anything for them to experience that warmth that loving grandparnets generate.

I hope in the future I get to be a doting Granny.
I wouldn't interfere with the parents decisions but I'd just be there when they needed me, and yes I probably would spoil my grandchildren.

UrgentScurryfunge · 15/05/2018 09:56

"Treats" are more plentiful now than in previous generations. It's quite easy for a grandparent who sees their GC's frequently to be overwhelming in the scale of chocolates and cheap toys they can buy. These can have negative impacts on the GC's for health and space, and what the grandparents buy can be compounded by what children recieve from other sources.

GP's in my family live at a distance, so we have no issues but I can understand how a frequent treat mentality can be a problem, particularly if parental boundaries are ignored.

Merryoldgoat · 15/05/2018 09:58

The only thing that annoyed me was when MIL cut my sons fringe VERY badly. And even then I just made a joke and asked her not to do it again. She didn’t.

I expect her to spoil him, love him etc and she does that and more (along with FIL). They take him away, buy him clothes and treats, have sleepovers etc. It’s fab for us all.

Astrabees · 15/05/2018 09:59

As I child I managed to convince my paternal grandmother that I only ate chicken, walnut whips and drank lucozade, fortunately I was not staying there on a regular basis. My mother's mother was far more canny and insisted on a healthy diet.

Fatted · 15/05/2018 10:00

A lot of the time, there's been issues or tension there before having kids. Then when kids get involved in the mix, all hell breaks loose!

I think a lot of arguments with grandparents aren't about the kids. It's about being in control and respect. Some GP don't want to give up control, some parents don't want to give up control.

At the end of the day you have to accept the fact that if someone else is looking after your kids they're not going to do everything the same way as you do. So you either have to accept that or just look after your kids yourself.

sunshinesupermum · 15/05/2018 10:01

I see my DGSs about once a month. No special treats - they have so many toys and clothes already (their other DG gives them loads lol) I never give them sweets but usually bring a cake for tea. When they are a little older then I'll give them some pocket money.

My advice for any potential GPs is NEVER interfere, no matter how badly you think your DCs are bringing up their children.

Mannix · 15/05/2018 10:03

I agree that it depends on the frequency. I saw my Grandma three times a year (she lived hundreds of miles away) and she did spoil me. But my parents see my DC once a week. It would annoy me if they spoilt them every time. Luckily they don't, so no problem!

Ceecee18 · 15/05/2018 10:07

I think it depends on the frequency or amount of it to be honest. I saw my GM weekly as a kid and she gave me £1 each week (until I was 21 Grin) which was fine. However, my parents want to do wayyyy more than that. Every time I see them and mention we've bought/looked at something for DD it's 'ohhh we were looking and wanted to get that'. When we asked the GP not to buy big toys (DDs 9 months and we live in a flat) my parents got annoyed as we bought her a jumperoo. Then it's the constant bringing something every time they see her and you end up with way too much stuff, that's one reason why they aren't used for childcare.

My MIL, on the other hand, is fab. She's happy to see DD every few weeks and only brings stuff for her on occasions like Christmas/Easter or clothes which she got on sale. She's got the balance right I think.

I think the difference there though is that's MIL has 6 kids, ones a teenager and she's just getting her freedom back so is pretty laid back about her first grandchild. My parents have 3 kids, all over 20 and admit they have been waiting for grandkids for 10 years, so they're far more intense about it and think that their wants as grandparents should trump mine and DPs as parents.

Borisdaspide · 15/05/2018 10:08

I'm lucky enough to have a lovely MIL and one of the subtle things I've noticed is that, for example, the clothes she buys DS are very much what I'd buy for him myself, and with another family member she'll buy clothes that are very much their style. I think she's got a very good eye for stuff like that.

Also, I'm completely fine with treats and stuff because I know that she'll maintain manners and deals with tantrums in a similar way to me. But our family on both sides live far away so we see them about once every month or so. Some of my friends have GP care 5 days a week, which is a very different beast and can be very stressful, I think.

Chamonix1 · 15/05/2018 10:09

I didn't have a smothering relationship with my grandparents. I saw them with my mum and I enjoyed them but I don't ever remember them looking after me, buying me clothes etc etc. They gave me pocket money and I got chocolate there that's about it.
I find grandparent are expected and expect to be heavily involved these days which is great if it suits you by if it doesn't it can become really pretty stressful thing to manage expectations without being accused of getting in the way of a healthy relationship between grandchildren and grandparents.

AjasLipstick · 15/05/2018 10:13

When my DC were very small I was a lot more precious. I got annoyed about ALL sorts of things MIL did.

if you think about it, it's natural though...you've got some weird primal shit going on with your first child and then some woman who isn't a blood relative expects to have "rights" over your child...they could just want to do normal things such as rock the baby to sleep but in your nutty, post partum brain, you want to knock them out for doing it "wrong".

It gets better as you get more used to being a parent.

SaucyJack · 15/05/2018 10:17

I think it's attitudes to children's nutrition that have changed, rather than GP/GC relationships.

We all ate far more shite back when I was kid in the 80s. Coco pops for breakfast, crisps and Penguins for lunch, chips for dinner, yadda yadda. All washed down with litres of red cola. Not much of it was considered a "treat" back then- it was food.

IMO mothers of my generation are controlling, simply because we've realised now that that isn't the way to feed children. My first MIL isn't able to get this- despite now having developed type 2 diabetes herself.
So yeah- we've had to have had words about it in various occasions.