What can grandparents do?

[Storm4star]

I have seen literally countless threads on here complaining that GPs did this, that and the other and have offended/upset the parent.

When I was a kid, grandparents did spoil you. That was a given. It didn’t make me expect the same treatment from my parents, I understood all along that the rules were different when I was with them. I have a million fond memories of my GPs and, especially now they’re both gone, I cherish those memories.

If the grandparent of your child was a toxic parent then yes I can understand limiting or even cutting contact, but otherwise I just don’t get why people are so controlling over what GPs do when they have their grandkids over.

yeah I agree Ajas - I also think that it's easier to be more relaxed with the over 3s or over 5s, as things like the odd bit of chocolate/sweeties/junk/fizzy drink/juice don't have such a great effect at that age, no chance of them napping all afternoon and being up all night etc. In general though, I wish our DCs' GPs wanted to be more involved - got a complete set who are nice, but happy to see our children a couple of times a year whilst they waffle on about holidays/their interests.

@AjasLipstick well put - you know you’re being a bit OTT but can’t help how you feel.

Also, I doubt most of the posts actually carry through to real life - it’s one thing posting on here but I’d imagine a lot of people politely just grin and bear it. I get annoyed with my MIL at times and take guilty enjoyment from the angry threads but it doesn’t mean I’d say anything to her in real life. It’s a way of getting it out your system I guess.

Its been said a BILLION times on here.

Respect the parents - thats all.

They are the parents - they will want to do things their way. Don't be nasty, judgmental and try and take over special events like bdays and xmas. Dont thrust things on them they dont want - large items.

Be there - be kind, be respectful and allow communication to be open because one is pushing oneself onto the new parents.
Is that so hard!

If mum says - we are doing potty training our way - why would a GP decide thats not good enough and start doing it their way?

If Dad says - Mum - we are really trying to cut down on sweets, by all means give her some but please just bear this in mind...to be met with massive sulks and moods....

I do think some of it can be an issue with control as well. My mom very much likes to be the one in charge and I think she's had a lot of difficulty stepping back and realising that it isn't her child to be in charge of. She says an awful lot of the time 'but I did that with/for you and your siblings' and then when i say 'yes, because you were our parent. I'm DDs parent' she gets annoyed. I think it can take a while after having a child/grandchild to adjust to the new roles and new 'normal' for your family.

I think it's all about balance.
Treats and spoiling is common practice but it's the scale of it that can cause problems. A little money or the odd small toy here and there and snacks are fine but a big toy every visit and large amount of snacks when you see them every week is wrong.

It's also the balance of parenting and discipline. Parents make the rules and for the most part grandparents need to follow the lead.
I get there will be times that things change, like a later bedtime when babysitting. But undermining parenting by changing punishments, either ignoring all together or trying to over punish, especially when the parent is there dealing with it that causes a lot of issues.

I think people are right about roles changing, as in GPs more often help with childcare now. Although I see that changing again. With the higher retirement age now, I will still have to work for the next 20 years, so if my DD does have a child in say 2 years time, I won’t be able to help with any week day childcare.

Grandparents are not one large homogeneous mass.

They are people and people can be reasonable and unreasonable.
If you dont have a great relationship with your parents it not wild to think the relations with the GC maybe strained.

seeing a child a few times a year and giving them treats - spoiling them, ignoring bad behaviour will not affect anyone,

if they saw the gc weekly and did this its a problem

Yeah, my mum sees my daughter nearly every day. So giving her crap to eat (which she does) is really not ideal. But worth it for the joyous relationship they had. I understand grandparents not wanting to have to take on the 'bad cop' role they had to as parents, but honestly,not offering a 2 year old sweets or crisps or fizzy drink is not depriving them!

If the gps on either side were conflicting with the way I choose to parent, I’d be fucking furious. Whether that’s unhealthy food - which I know will be an issue with my ILs - or spoiling them with too many toys like my parents will if my nephew is anything to go by.

The no 1 thing grandparents can do is to remember that they are not hte primary parent, and they don't get to make decisions overruling the primary parent.

If you want to give a child a treat, ask first if it would be OK. And if the parent says no to whatever - respect that as their decision. And you don't respect it, expect there to be consequences in terms of the trust that exists in the relationship.

Recognise that you did parenting your way, and other people may have different ways of doing it. This doesn't mean they are criticising you, just that what is right for one person isn't right for another. Don't offer advice unless asked, and make sure anything you do say is supportive and not undermining.

Basically, the same rules as you'd apply to any relationship/friendship.

I get annoyed with GPs is when they don't listen to my requests re parenting style. I think some of this is generational to be honest as health messages have changed since they were parenting themselves.

I do get cross with the amount of shite they feed DS despite me asking them not to. Guess what DS wants now - banana or crisps? Also saying its alright not to clean teeth at times or wash hands before meals, not waiting for green man when crossing road, forgetting constantly not to get him to wear hat when sunny. Makes my blood boil.

I wonder if it's to do woth how excessive we seem to be nowadays.

When I was little a treat from my grandparents was a homemade jam tart, a couple of chocolate digestives or (my all time favourite) a banana sandwich.

My FIL would happily feed my children 5 fullsized chocolate bars in a day (he has done). He would but them anything and everything they asked for. Drives me mad.

I think there needs to be respect on both sides. Parents should not take advantage of GPs when it comes to childcare and babysitting and not go over the top when they cannot help and GPs have to remember their GC are not their children. I always bear in mind the parents wishes when it comes to looking after my GC. They are both very young though so it may be more tricky when they get older. We do treat them but our DD has never had a problem with it and we follow same routine, rules etc when we have GC.

I just see it that we are there to help our DD and her husband out and have an enjoyable relationship with our GC so hopefully in years to come they still want to come and see us. When we have them we dedicate all our time and attention to them as it is just one or two days a week so don't have to manage other chores etc.

I think some people have a problem when they are inflexible, don't respect boundaries and take offence easily.

I think some people seem to be a bit up tight about GP and how they treat their children and I think it is a bit sad for GP to not be able to spoil their GC.
For me I am happy for my DP and DPIL to treat my DS with both gifts and food/behaviour, but my DS will know that he has different rules at home. I trust that they won't undermine my parenting and that they won't do something that they know I would be uncomfortable with but I have a good relationship with them and I think that probably helps.
I used to love going to stay with my GP as a child and I knew they had different rules to my DP (in some ways more relaxed and in others, more strict), I would love for my DS to feel the same.

I had a nice relationship with both my grandmothers (never knew my grandfathers) but they didn't really buy stuff regularly or do any one to one childcare with me very often. They would be over to visit us all and would play board games with me, sit and watch me play in the garden or maybe occasionally walk up to the shops with me to buy my usual comic or little plastic purse from the corner shop or whatever.

Their relationship with me did not over lap with my parents role in anyway so there was never any conflict like this.

I've only skimmed the thread and this has probably been said already but i imagine a lot of the conflict these days comes from the fact that grandparents are playing more of a parent role doing regular child care.

I think it's amusing that codswallop has posted saying that we've become more conscious of health than previous generations, and chickenfried has then posted to say that treats are now more excessive.

Paradoxically, I think both of them are right - both those things are true.

I suspect that underlying that is a change in the way that we eat. My grandmother, who is 90, doesn't really understand modern health messaging, but she also has a very restrained attitude towards food, largely in a highly gendered way that we might find a bit mentally unhealthy today. It's still all about her figure and how she appears to men (yes, still), not how healthy or strong she is in herself!! But she also finds the way that we eat emotionally today to be completely alien - the way that the compensation for a bad day, or the reward for a good day comes in the form of very calorie-dense food or alcohol. A treat ot her would be a biscuit, not a whole packet of them.

My mother is a narcissist. I thought she’d be ok looking after my dd as she gets older and she had her for a couple of overnights at 8. However, my brother was violent to me last year and my mother blamed me. I’m chronically ill and disabled and he was violent because he disbelieves this. They see me as volatile and always making trouble when in fact it is the other way round. Brother, sil and mother are all toxic. They set me up to lose and can treat me and (as she gets older) dd any which way. If we dare to call them out on their behaviour, they are nasty, vile and as exampled by brother threatening violence even violent.

Were I to come on here and start a chat or aibu about one aspect, I’m sure I could be slated. It’s the wider context iyswim. And there there’s the reverse, where the parent of the child are toxic to the gps, who have to walk on egg shells to even see the children, let alone touch them.

The only one thing we have said a no to is MIL wanting son in carrycot in boot as she did it with Husband, she got upset but we don't make the law! Grandparents and babies have alot more threads on here as they are doing what they want in front of parents, if my mum is doing me a favour babysitting I am not going to tell her off for giving my son chocolate or a gift but when he's a new baby in my arms and she's taking him off me to go in another room to put him in my old clothes/feed him food even though he's too young/call herself his mum/hold him out the window to show neighbours then I can see it and get angry and stressed! (These are examples of Mumsnet threads not my mum!!!). I think we need to remember people come on here to vent about situations, as a group of mums, grandparents are a big part of our children's lives and other mums have the most insight! If you think 50 grandparents threads isn't a lot out of 1000s of members? (I picked 50 out of thin air so sorry if it's totally inaccurate!!!!)

Respect the parents wishes but to also be able to give them little treats

^^ this is basically it.

I completely agree with PP who said it's about control and respect.

My DM has poor boundaries and throws a fit when I try and implement some. We used to see her weekly but there would always be tonnes of sugar, toys and talk of secrets between GM and DGC. She just couldn't/wouldn't accept that we were trying to bring DC up with a healthy relationship with food (inc treats ON OCCASION) and open communication (i.e no secrets!!)

DM would also refer to herself as mum to my DC, and if I mentioned that I was thinking of getting them something, she'd get it first

Despite trying to talk to her about it, it goes in one ear and out the other. With a little strop in the middle.

So, respect and boundaries.

We see much less of her now, and wouldn't dream of relying on anyone other than ourselves for childcare.

For me it is a number of things. For starters I didn't have a relationship with either of my grandmothers. GF's had passed away before I came along. Both were toxic in their own way and I don't have good memories of them.

My own mum is dead. My dad is in a LTR and spends all his time with her family and my DC don't get to see him very often. PIL call up my DC and talk to them but won't ever cancel one of their social activities to spend time with them. They like to tell us what we are doing wrong with them, but in the 13 years I have had DC they have reluctantly babysat for me in an emergency ONCE. On the other hand they all moan that they never see their GC and lay on the guilt. They expect to be invited to every concert and little thing they do, but I stopped that as they took over and I didn't get to enjoy these precious moments.

As a result I don't feel that I owe any of them anything. I love them and do include them sometimes but never at the expense of DH and I enjoying ourselves.

I have dgc three days a week after school and I do treat them. I know what is not allowed (Coca cola) and the grey areas (Fanta and Sprite) I may take them to Sainsbury’s cafe every couple of weeks and they know what they are allowed. I always tell dd and her dh so they don’t get other sugary drinks on those days. A doughnut is a very rare treat but at my discretion. I used to be told off when they were younger if I bought toys between events like birthdays but now it is football magazines, cards or books and they are ok. I’ll miss them when I no longer need to do pickups.

I would cherish someone like thegreylady ^^ You sound lovely. Sometimes I have really struggled to look after my DC when I have been ill and wish I just had some back up to give me a bit of help. Some of you don't know how lucky you are to have someone you can trust to help you out with your DC.

Just respect the parents wishes . If they object to the kinds of ‘ treats” you want to give, then find another.

So if the parents object to MacDonalds, dont take the child there and then whinge that your DS is so controlling and it was only a few chips.

Just take the child to the park or swimming or bake a cake.

If you persist in doing it and trying to encourage the child to lie, you will see less of your child and GC.

And please dont then come onto MN saying that you have no idea why.

For these people its all about control. Their needs to impose their will on other people is so great, it matters more to them than anything or anyone . Don’t be that person OP.

I say this as a grandmother and MIL.

Totoro - there would always be tonnes of sugar, toys and talk of secrets between GM and DGC. She just couldn't/wouldn't accept that we were trying to bring DC up with a healthy relationship with food (inc treats ON OCCASION) and open communication (i.e no secrets!!)

I've been struggling with my DM and doing the 'secrets' thing with DD (4). It annoyed me even more than the daily chocolate or sweet which i had to pull her up on (we all live together). Secrets drive me up the wall. It's not healthy! I felt bad for asking her to stop and second guessed myself a bit but it was good to see your post and see i'm not alone.