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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

XH gave suspected CMPA baby chocolate cake.

32 replies

Bryonie2017 · 15/05/2018 07:11

Background: H and I have been separated for 4 months now, DD had severe reflux as a baby which was slowly controlled with medication and cutting out dairy. She has no symptoms now so we are slowly weaning her off the meds and reintroducing dairy.

She is stage 1 reintroduction so she has a very small amount of cows milk cooked at a high heat. So a biscuit. We tried reintroduction about 6 weeks ago but she started symptoms so stopped for a bit. This is her first week trying again and it seems to be going fine. It was her first birthday over the weekend.

He usually takes her during the day every other weekend and has her at mine or takes her to his mums. He was off work for her birthday so he picked her up in the evening and had her during her birthday and brought her back in the evening. This is I believe her third overnight with him since we moved out.

After he brought her home and put her to bed he mentioned that she had had a chocolate cake for her birthday and is clearly fine. For context I did her a dairy free cake. I didn't react at the time, I was pretty shocked and I also shut down around him because of our history (lying, gaslighting, lack of support)

And now I'm not sure how to address it or if I should even try - his argument would be that it's only ever been suspected CMPA and she is clearly fine and he is the parent and can feed her whatever he wants.

Although I'm worried and angry that she could have easily been violently I'll (ill still be on edge today) i don't know what a confrontation will achieve except a massive argument and him doing whatever he wants anyway. And going full nuclear and stopping contact seems like an over reaction.

This man makes it hard for me to think rationally due to our issues so I would appreciate an outside perspective.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 15/05/2018 07:13

But she's not been ill since?

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 15/05/2018 07:15

She had it yesterday and was fine evening and overnight so I think she is ok. I'll feel better after 24 hours have passed.

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 15/05/2018 07:18

well it was obviously a stupid thing for him to have done but what I would do is speak about it from what the hospital have advised and just repeat it ( is he involved in the appointments ) then just say you know he would never want to make her poorly so you hope you can both be on the same page with her reintroduction and see what he says

FranticallyPeaceful · 15/05/2018 07:20

It takes upto 3 weeks to eliminate the milk protein from the body, if I remember correctly. So chances are it isn’t that? Also you said you were reintroducing it the week he gave the cake anyway? He was just letting you know she was fine?
Of course he should have told you to ease your anxiety but I think a conversation about your anxiety about the whole situation should do the trick. It can be tough, I know parents of children with allergies and they have NO IDEA what they are sometimes and it can be a very stressful time, but just explain all this to him as best you can

BillyCongo · 15/05/2018 07:23

My DD was CMPA. I know it's probably not what you would do but it's likely any dairy within the cake itself would be cooked so that would be ok, the icing if buttermilk could have been an issue but hopefully was a small amount. Given it was a unusual birthday treat I would let it go and pick your battles for yoghurt, ice cream and cups of milk.

user1495884620 · 15/05/2018 07:23

Did the cake actually have any dairy in? Basic sponge is eggs, flour, sugar and fat. The fat could well be marg or palm oil.

Hideandgo · 15/05/2018 07:25

You cannot ‘stop contact’ so get that out of your head as a power you have.

I think ideally you will both agree and cooperate on these things, especially if it’s more serious stuff. But he will make decisions you don’t agree with for the rest of your parenting lives. In this case, I’d be annoyed too but no harm done. If you can speak to him calmly about working together on the diet then do have a discussion.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 15/05/2018 07:27

As hard as it will be for you to hear this, he needs to be involved in her appointments and care plan.

The context of what was said is important and given you've said you have issues, I think you might be over-reacting.

He said she had chocolate cake (baked dairy) and was fine. Nothing more or less than that. Unless you're found to massively drip feed that he has form for force feeding her yoghurts against medical advice.

My sister refuses to let her youngest see her father due to his family being a bit of a cock over allergies and intolerances. But my sister is also a dictator and wouldn't let her (now ex) husband attend any medical appointments as she would tell him what he needed to know. Needless to say it also mean he didn't properly understand the risk exposing her to the allergens entails.

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 15/05/2018 07:29

I'll be honest leaving it the hell alone was my first instinct, especially as she is fine. Its in DD's best interest that we remain civil anyway. He is involved with the hospital appointments and we have discussed her diet, he just decided to do his own thing. Thanks for the perspective, especially as I don't trust my own judgement!

OP posts:
londonrach · 15/05/2018 07:30

Cake doesnt have dairy in usually unless its in the buttercream. Is marg part of the dairy banned list. Think you need to educate xh but dont stop contact. Fingers crossed baby is ok x

NoNamesLeft86 · 15/05/2018 07:44

I wouldn't stress too much. My son has similar issues but we have often given him birthday cake etc. Like others say it's very minimal dairy

UrgentScurryfunge · 15/05/2018 07:50

It was a stupid thing to try. Quantity matters, so your biscuits may have been within her tolerance zone, but an additional portion of cake could have exceeded that.

Did he actually check the labels for the milk content of the cake and the form it takes.

With the background you describe it sounds like him taking control more than an evaluated experiment. If he'd asked in advance and been clear about the ingredients, the situation would be more clear.

I found the weaning on harder than total exclusion. We got a bit stuck halfway through for a while, and it felt dodgy explaining that you can eat the dairy content of x but not y. If you do know idiots that don't take allergies seriously, it can be hard to manage that just because child can manage a planned petit filous, it doesn't mean they can have a great big ice cream.

The danger is that if he is an idiot, he'll think he's got away with it this time and can feed her what he likes.

abbsisspartacus · 15/05/2018 07:58

When it's been 24 hours with no issues send him a text celebrating and state we should be able to move her forward to the next stage soon

Deflate him a little if he is doing it out of spite

NeverTwerkNaked · 15/05/2018 07:58

He’s an idiot. You have my sympathy. He sounds like my ex. Prepared to take risks no sensible parent would take. And it’s tough because if you call them out on it it often makes their behaviour worse. Sorry, I don’t have solutions, just sympathy. And the promise that as they get older your child will think for themselves and start to call him out on his idiocy.

MissReginaPhilange · 15/05/2018 07:59

Cmpa is pretty severe and if it was that you certainly wouldn't be introducing it this quick... my son is still on neocate at 16 month old and will be til hes too. You'll also find cmpa cones hand in hand with soya allergy too

Jessbow · 15/05/2018 08:00

The dairy content in a chocolate cake will be minimal. Pick your battles.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/05/2018 08:01

It's hard to tell his tone or attitude when it's written down but it appears that he takes her condition seriously? ..attending hospital appointments and discussing it all with you.
On the face of it, a bit of cake as part of a reintroduction phase sounds ok to me. You say she might have been "violently ill" which I think is an over reaction on your part.

It's frustrating if family members don't take a food allergy/intolerance seriously and think you're being a "fussy mum". I've seen that attitude particularly from the older generation for whom food allergies weren't commonplace when they had children.

Perhaps his mother gave her the cake? You say she helps with childcare.

It's good that he told you. You need to be informed.
My advice would be to keep calm, impress on him the need to be cautious with certain dairy foods and move on from it.

As you're probably aware, the majority of children with a cow's milk allergy grow out of it completely by age 2 or 3. As you say, milk needs to be reintroduced gradually.

He must be aware she might not be suddenly "cured" as proven by the chocolate cake and start giving her ice cream and cups of milk with gay abandon!

Tartanscarf · 15/05/2018 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bryonie2017 · 15/05/2018 08:22

Thanks for the perspective all, it's so hard to tell what's reasonable and what isn't with co parenting!

The trouble is that I involve him in her health but he wouldn't ask on his own back iyswim, likewise with contact and over nights it's always me asking him to take her so it's hard to trust him and let go, especially because he tends to say yes and then do whatever if he doesn't agree. (Ignoring routine, turning up late etc)

OP posts:
Faithless12 · 15/05/2018 08:30

Cake does have dairy in. Margarine unless you specifically buy dairy free has dairy in it.
I would explain that you aren’t happy that he fed her cake and just because she was ‘fine’ to him doesn’t mean she was actually fine. I’ve had the deal with the same thing, family feeding my cmpa DS ice cream and apparently he was fine. The problem being he would curl up in pain in the evening and grizzle all night long, they didn’t see that. He’s fine with dairy now, although he chooses not to eat it.

VivaKondo · 15/05/2018 08:35

Ok the issue here is taking responsibility for something that isn’t yours.
It’s not your responsibility to organise his visits to her. He should do it.
It’s not your responsibility to ensure he is up to date with her health. He should want to know.

You are doing everything for him presenting it in a plate and he is basically choosing whatever he wants to pick from it.
So you propose for him to come to see and he decides of he can or not.
Yubtell him what she can eat and he decides when and what he will give her (incl reintroducing dairy wo checking if it’s in line with hat you are doing/her reaction to it)

I would step back a lot.
I would also let him know about any reaction she might have in the future when she has xxx and then remind him that xxx is them0an to reintroduce dairy/what she can have etc....

NeverTwerkNaked · 15/05/2018 08:37

There’s a lot of people commenting on here who clearly don’t know anything about the safe introduction of dairy. Op you are right to be upset

Juells · 15/05/2018 08:44

@ Tartanscarf

You were already introducing dairy? Why shouldn’t he too?

That's ridiculous. The OP has the baby every day, and is doing things to 'a plan'. Deciding to throw chocolate cake into the mix isn't being even-steven, it's being a dick and I'd think it was about control.

mogonfoxnight · 15/05/2018 08:54

His words "and is clearly fine" would bother me as it indicates that he isn't understanding or agreeing with you and it sounds like it is difficult for you to rely on him and trust him. Even if this issue clears up now, there may be other issues in the future.

You say likewise with contact and over nights it's always me asking him I am not sure you are doing your child any favours with this and you may be creating a rod for your own back - if he is happy coming to yours why not stick with that for the time being? Means you can keep an eye on food. I also thought that it wasn't ideal for one year olds to have nights away from the main care giver?

If the cake is commercially produced it may have zero dairy in it. When I was pregnant I had to go though a phase of testing my reactions to things, and it was amazing the difference between, say, mass produced scrambled egg (no reaction) and eating scrambled egg at home made with real eggs (significant reaction). I am guessing some commercial food is made using powders etc in which much has been lost during the processing or watered down and replaced with flavouring (though that is a very unscientific analysis on my part).

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/05/2018 09:01

I'd be tempted to lie and tell him she was ill in the hope it would make him think twice next time. You don't play fast and loose with allergies.

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