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Original poster

The mind games continue - what do I do?

38 replies

Flappypants · 14/05/2018 21:35

Hi MN

I've ended the marriage with my EA husband. He's never been particularly interested in the DC but has started being perfect Daddy since the shit hit the fan and is really laying it on thick. I am expecting this to a degree.

What I am not expecting is his latest trick which was this evening to state that when we did a family meal at Pizza Express on Sunday afternoon with our two DC and his DD (nearly 18) from another marriage, he felt I was behaving inappropriate towards him and flirting, brushing my arm up against him, prolonged eye contact etc etc. For info I have posted on here before about his groping me, ambushing me with unsolicited kissing and feeling me up, often in front of the children (hands up my top and down my trousers). He would not speak to me for days and then forgive me and on one occasion he didn't speak to me, came home, walked up to me without saying a word and simply stick his tongue down my throat. I felt utterly utterly violated. I hung my arms by my side's and waited for it to finish. Of course I was uncaring and lacking in effort for that.

He came home this afternoon and dropped into conversation the fact that solicitors certainly get their money's worth but I didn't respond. I think he did see someone today but wanted me to ask outright, which I didn't bother to do.

I am hating trying to co-exist with this person who has left me desperate, desolate and suicidal, self-harming and alone and isolated. I stopped responding to his advances because I felt pressured and coerced. If i didn't want sex he might not talk to me for a while. When I did life was happy again.

Help. I did speak to Women's Aid and they advised me to leave as soon as possible but I don't think that is in the best interests of the children.

I'm trying grey rock but I said that I had no idea where this accusation of flirting was coming from and tgat I was going to bed. He called me weird.

Help me. I've made the step to end it. I'm a week in and it's going to get so so much worse. He wants the children 50/50. I'm a full time SAHM. DD is still breastfed and DS is nearly 6. I am completely and utterly financially dependent on him yet he is secretive about his spending and money. The DC haven't been away from me overnight...a parenting choice. He has worked overseas many times, sometimes for up to three weeks. He says he is cutting his hours to look after them.

I'm sitting here on the loo shaking and incredulous about this unfounded and frankly insane accusation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappypants · 14/05/2018 21:38

My stupid phone is making me look illiterate!!!

Behaving inappropriately.

Arms by my sides.

OP posts:
Troels · 14/05/2018 21:57

Do what you have to do to get out.
Abusive men always throw out the threat of taking the children it's like a script they use. Sounds like he isn't going to leave the house any time soon, so you and the kids will have too, unless someonee else can come up with a way to get him out. Is it owned jointly, rented in one or both names or what?
No way I'd tolerate the groping. I don't know how you can stand it.

Original poster
Flappypants · 14/05/2018 22:00

Well the groping has stopped and had stopped after a huge row.

The house is owned and in both names. Quite a significant mortgage.

OP posts:
looondonn · 14/05/2018 22:00

Please get out

Take it from me life gets easier

Been through something similar and I know how vile it is

Who is around to help you?

Fucketynamechanged · 14/05/2018 22:05

So the gaslighting and physical assaults in front of your kids are preferable to a refuge?

Not being snarky btw. I've been in an abusive relationship and I honestly didn't realise until I was out quite how bad and detrimental it was to my child to witness.

You are entitled to legal aid as of this year to divorce him and regarding child arrangements.

I'm sorry you're going through this. This is the most dangerous time for a woman leaving. Don't minimise anything. You can do it Thanks

Original poster
Flappypants · 14/05/2018 22:08

I don't really have anywhere to go. DS is in school and needs a bit of support (not SEN).

I could borrow money from family to get a place I suppose but I'm not sure if that is truly the best thing to do. I do have a solicitor and I could call him tomorrow but it's £12.50 every time he opens an email etc etc...i can't just ring him up for a bleat!!! However I really feel that this latest bizarre accusation is designed to further screw my mind. He denies having gaslighted and manipulated me...in fact told me tonight I'm the manipulator.

Maybe I should try and get him to move Out?

OP posts:
Fucketynamechanged · 14/05/2018 22:35

The problem with trying to get him to do anything is you give him the power and the cards to hold. You almost do have to be manipulative to escape - e.g., don't give anything away! Hide your plans, stay one step ahead, be unpredictable.

I had that too - that I was the manipulative one. In fact friends and family are still taken in by exH and believe it was my fault he abused me. I do however have proof of all the things he did - I logged them, recorded them and saved any texts for my Solicitor to view. And when old enough (e.g. An adult) should he ever ask for proof- my DS can view though I won't offer it to him.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 22:35

If you wanted to you can apply for an Occupation Order in relation to the house to have him excluded from the property. He would still own his share of it but it wouldn't be able to enter it and can be arrested for breeching it. You can also apply for a Non-molestation Order which can prevent him from contacting or harassing you, from being with in a certain distance of you, and from inciting third parties to act on his behalf and, again, he can be arrested for breeching it. I know it's hard taking such a big step though and it's quite likely to provoke him into escalating his behaviour Flowers

There's a group called PSU who can help you with filing the paperwork and can support you through the court process, they're free to use. They have branches all over the UK and their website is here www.thepsu.org

AjasLipstick · 14/05/2018 23:05

If you can borrow money, do it.

He won't get 50/50. A breastfed child and a history of working away will certainly not be in his favour.

Also, he's just bulshitting you. As he seems to do a lot.

MotherforkingShirtballs · 14/05/2018 23:20

It's all lies and tactics, don't trust anything he says. If he starts being nice, be suspicious. The next parts of the script will be him trying to control how other people see you, he'll start telling them you're ill, you're mentally unwell, you're possibly cheating on him, you're in loads of debt, you have secrets, you have intimacy/commitment issues, and so. It can't possibly His Lordship's fault that you want to leave, oh no, the fault must always lie with you. And with the misinformation about why you want to leave he'll attempt to isolate you by trying to make you and others believe that no one will want to help you, that you're not the innocent party, that he's in the right. All lies and tactics and bullshit.

Original poster
Flappypants · 14/05/2018 23:34

Oh god Balls, that's a scary thought

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/05/2018 23:53

Yes...you need to leave and get away from him ASAP. You could call women's aid OP....you don't have to go into a hostel or anything...but they will help you think of things which wouldn't occur to you.

Do your relatives know about this? How do you think they'd react if not?

I think you need also to be aware he might try to look at your social media/messages/emails etc to try to regain control.

Allthewaves · 15/05/2018 00:02

I think you need exit strategy - if he won't leave then perhaps the house needs to go up for sale.

You may have to accept 50:50 with older child, he's their other parent at the end of the day.

Depending on how old baby is perhaps looking for work too.

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 00:04

I second the occupation order, you can also get a residency order for the children the NCDV are legal specialists who will help you to do this for free

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 00:04

Do not accept 50/50 he is abusive

LFWarrior · 15/05/2018 00:10

Been there done that. In fact, still fucking doing it. Get out and DO NOT agree to 50/50. Phone your solicitor and tell him/her what you want - that will be money well spent. You will only realise just how abused you are when you are free. For now, trust those of us who have been where you are. Just do whatever it takes to escape this utterly horrible and unhealthy situation. Your children are already affected and this will only get worse. They need you to step up into mummy tiger protecting her cubs mode. Please, just get out. xx

LFWarrior · 15/05/2018 00:12

At age 6 you do not have to accept anything. Your children need you and the consistency of their lives. They can see him but at such young ages they need you x

AjasLipstick · 15/05/2018 00:18

FASH it;s not always a case of "accepting" 50-50 or not....sometimes there's no choice. Courts do order it sometimes

TuTru · 15/05/2018 00:18

Stay strong you are doing the right thing. But once you are out you will be able to cope better. So try and get out asap. Worry about the rest of the stuff once you’re out the way with your children xxx

AjasLipstick · 15/05/2018 00:21

LF yes...but courts don't always agree with that. They quite often order 50-50 when a Father asks for it.

OP needs to compile evidence that he's unfit.

But from what she says, he probably won't ask...it's all posturing.

FredaNerkk · 15/05/2018 00:24

Keep breastfeeding.

greenlanes · 15/05/2018 00:31

In this current climate family courts order 50: 50 if father requests it as a norm. Most realise on here that is to do with maintenance. ie they wont have to pay child maintenance. It is, I am sure, a primary reason why most 2nd wives are on here trying to assert that the father really wants to see the DC etc.

Sadly the judges in family courts are either inept incompetent, unwilling etc to understand that this financial consideration is a primary driver. You will find many on here claim it is an abusive tactic. Yes it is and it is quite often successful.

Fucketynamechanged · 15/05/2018 00:31

FWIW mine threatened getting full custody.

He wouldn't even get 50/50 based on his actual actions towards my DS over the last few years. The parenting was simply another control game and something he lost interest in once he stopped being able to control me via it.

He still tries. I think DS should see him. So... yup, exH chooses not to see DS to spite me. No actual regard for DS in his "parenting"

I suspect you'll find similar. Good luck!

AjasLipstick · 15/05/2018 00:49

For what it's worth, where a Father is a good Father, I see nothing wrong with a 50-50 arrangement and indeed it can have many benefits for both parties as well as the children.

I'm not anti-man at all...but in OP's case, it would certainly be in her best interests to try to gather evidence of this man's behaviour. He's not a fit parent at all.

Original poster
Flappypants · 15/05/2018 06:44

The issues here are manifold. I don't even know where to begin. For example until about March I have done all house and child care. He has been happy to sit about on his devices or watching television, not partaking in family life yet telling me it it me who is the problem. I would be up all night and up for the day at 5am and he'd lie about until 8 and bounce down all happy and rested. When I asked him to have DS he would drop his shoulders or just say no. He was training for an ironman when he was tiny and I remember on several occasions begging him to have the baby before work for half an hour but he'd say he's going for a swim. I was desolate and desperate...i remember sobbing on the kitchen floor, banging my head on the floor in an awful awful state. Since March he has stopped exercising and very pointedly talks about family time. On Sunday he had the DC in the morning, we had lunch out and as soon as we got home he fell asleep on the bean bag with us all right there. I bathed and fed the DC while he slept. Of course he would say he in unwell and exhausted because of me.

He has lain on top of me and kissed me a bit suggestively with baby girl in the room and she started to kiss her soft toy bunny in a similar way...she has seen it and copied it. For info she sleeps in the master bedroom as she doesn't have a room of her own.

OP posts: