The mind games continue - what do I do?

[Flappypants]

Hi MN

I've ended the marriage with my EA husband. He's never been particularly interested in the DC but has started being perfect Daddy since the shit hit the fan and is really laying it on thick. I am expecting this to a degree.

What I am not expecting is his latest trick which was this evening to state that when we did a family meal at Pizza Express on Sunday afternoon with our two DC and his DD (nearly 18) from another marriage, he felt I was behaving inappropriate towards him and flirting, brushing my arm up against him, prolonged eye contact etc etc. For info I have posted on here before about his groping me, ambushing me with unsolicited kissing and feeling me up, often in front of the children (hands up my top and down my trousers). He would not speak to me for days and then forgive me and on one occasion he didn't speak to me, came home, walked up to me without saying a word and simply stick his tongue down my throat. I felt utterly utterly violated. I hung my arms by my side's and waited for it to finish. Of course I was uncaring and lacking in effort for that.

He came home this afternoon and dropped into conversation the fact that solicitors certainly get their money's worth but I didn't respond. I think he did see someone today but wanted me to ask outright, which I didn't bother to do.

I am hating trying to co-exist with this person who has left me desperate, desolate and suicidal, self-harming and alone and isolated. I stopped responding to his advances because I felt pressured and coerced. If i didn't want sex he might not talk to me for a while. When I did life was happy again.

Help. I did speak to Women's Aid and they advised me to leave as soon as possible but I don't think that is in the best interests of the children.

I'm trying grey rock but I said that I had no idea where this accusation of flirting was coming from and tgat I was going to bed. He called me weird.

Help me. I've made the step to end it. I'm a week in and it's going to get so so much worse. He wants the children 50/50. I'm a full time SAHM. DD is still breastfed and DS is nearly 6. I am completely and utterly financially dependent on him yet he is secretive about his spending and money. The DC haven't been away from me overnight...a parenting choice. He has worked overseas many times, sometimes for up to three weeks. He says he is cutting his hours to look after them.

I'm sitting here on the loo shaking and incredulous about this unfounded and frankly insane accusation.

I am not sure but with the equity in the house and ridiculous house prices here in the Cotswolds there isn't a hope in hell of buying a house. My family lives on South coast where houses or flats are much more reasonable. Can I do that??? I'm feeling utterly wretched and paralysed this morning.

He would also drive very irresponsibly with us in the car....see This thread....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3004114-Speeding-husband-our-problems-are-all-my-fault

Sorry wrong thread but apt anyway...this is the one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2999154-The-speeding-husband-chat-Think-my-barrage-cant-survive-this-reaction

Although what @MotherforkingShirtballs is scary please prepare yourself in case he does do this. Now is the time to speak to 101 to preempt anything he might throw at you. If you have these things on record and he starts accusing you, he will look unhinged.

Yes, go to your family and get your solicitor to push for the house to be sold - of course you can move close to your family. How much do your family know? Can you tell them what’s happening?

Family knows everything and being extremely supportive. Ok. I'll phone solicitor and suck up the cost. This is getting really silly.

If I phoned 101 what would I say to them??? I've got a gp appointment tomorrow morning and have counselling starting but that's not going to help me practically.

Tell your family and get them to help you.

Would your family let you stay with them regardless of whatever pressure he might put on them? If so then would you be able to leave while he's out at work? Leave him a note saying you've left him and that your solicitor will be in touch re: the house, the DC, etc. and go to your family. If you were so inclined, you could contact the police when you arrive and make a statement about the abuse. You could also apply for an emergency non-molestation order to stop him contacting you at your family's house, as it would cover contact via third parties it will also stop him contacting your family and asking them to tell you this or that. Regardless of whether you do contact the police or apply for a Non-molestation Order, definitely do contact the domestic abuse advice service for that area as they will be able to help with practicalities advice and support, they can also put you in touch with other agencies such as solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse cases or family law.

You deserve better than the life he's giving you

Emotional abuse is a crime and if you can detail some events then if he tries to report you as 'unhinged' it will reflect very badly on him. I'm not sure it is the best course of action, but may be some 'insurance' if he does try to discredit your mental health. Or at least ask for advice about how to report EA.

How do you even begin to prove emotional abuse though? I really dont wantbto poke the bear and antagonise an already delicate situation. He is a highly complex and intelligent individual who can throw me into such a muddle and back me into corners verbally. I like it to having verbal sand thrown in my eyes by him. That's why I'm not even answering emails and have asked my solicitor to contact him and suggest contact times in the interim period.

I want him either to move out or me and the babes move out. But I'm not even sure tgat is the best course of action. Like I say, I feel paralysed.

Liken it to verbal sand

I was already living separately when the texts he chose to send me were quite clear in being emotionally abusive. That's how I got my proof - my record of his communications.

It's not so easy to prove when you're still tangled up in living together as they gaslight you.

Have you done the freedom programme OP? I'd recommend going along to one, or rejoining one if you have - if nothing else but for the RL support and discussion of what IS abusive behaviour

No but perhaps I should do it online. Thanks x