Favouritism

[Peta11]

So my parents have 7 grandchildren. My dsis( single mum- relevant ) daughter (dsis also has a young ds) is the eldest and very clear favourite.

She stays with them every weekend.
Gets taken out shopping every saturday with my mother and my father takes her out for a burger on the sunday( and just about everywhere they go )

They buy her a summer and winter wardrobe every year, and little treats.
( my dd thought dn was rich to be allowed to go out with them all the time)

They do buy them all a daft amount of gifts at christmas and for birthdays ( not always well thought out as they dont really know what they like but always gratefully recieved.)
But thats it , not even a packet of sweets on the rare occasion they visit.
They do not spend any time with them at all.
Not even sat indoors chatting, let alone anythong else.
I just find it very sad.
My Dd's are getting to the stage that its upsetting them.

Especially my elsest as she is close in age to my dn.
So i have told them how hurt my dd's and 2dn's are.
And also how hurt my brother and i are that our children are overlooked.

Last time they told me basically that they wont be told how to spend their time and money.
And that my kids have 2 parents and dont go without.
I said they dont want for anything except your time.
Fair enough .
Case closed.

But i cant get past it. How do i accept this?
I dont feel i can bring it up again at the moment due to bereavment, we are all grieving.
I find it really upsetting that they know how hurtful it is ..and dont care

I dont really know what im hoping for from this but the rant felt good.
Thanks

You're in a stable relationship. Your children have both parents. Would you like to swap places for your sisters life?

Im not really sure why you would ask that?

She is a single mum of 2 but only 1 is favoured ( she is also annoyed at situation) so although they say its because DN has 1 parent its obviously not because DNEPHEW also only has one parent.

Why do your children not spend any time with their grandparents?

I grew up with a single parent and we relied on my grandparents a lot, so I can see their point of view. They paid for holidays, trips out, new clothes, we lived with them until I was 11 so I saw them every day. They saw me upset about my Dad, wondering why he didn't care about us. I do understand your parents point of view, until you've been a single parent or in that family you don't know how hard it is sometimes.

I have asked them several times and the answer has always been no.
I invite them over but they dont really engage with them and dont stay long.
I should add lots of other family members have noticed and mentioned it to them and also cant understand as my children are great easy going kids.
I understand that being a single parent is difficult and i( gladly) help my sister out with childcare or anything else too.

NewYearNewMe18 that was uncalled for. The OP isn't complaining about how she and her sister are treated differently. She is upset that they favour one grandchild over all the others

OP did they have a favourite out of you and your siblings growing up? Is there something specific about the granddaughter for example was her dad abusive?

it does seem odd and I am sorry it hurts you but as you have raised it with them and they refuse to change anything I really don't know what else you can do. I would tell your children when they ask that they love them all equally but spend more time with dniece because she hasn't got her dad.

it's their loss but understand it .just be hard.

Are you the 'coper' - perhaps your sister cant cope that's why shes so reliant on your parents.

Cant answer the point about nephew and niece being treated differently, personality dynamics maybe, you don't say which is older/younger, whether they had greater input to niece.

All you can do is ask for their time. Ask them to come over and bring niece and nephew to play with their cousins. You cant really do more than that.

Agree with NYN, your children have a stable home, security , 2 resident parents.

Your niece & nephew have one parent, only one income, no safety net. Your sister cannot take time out during the week, won’t get a single moment off except when at your parents. She has no one with whom to share the decision making, the mortgage payments, the pension provision. Your parents also need to build a strong relationship with their Dgcs because if something happened to your sister, that is probably where they would live.

They’re trying to give them the same security and life style your children have. They sound lovely. Why don’t you ask everyone round for Sunday lunch so all of you can share time together as a family?

surely the single parent thing fails to explain two things

1. why they don't favour dnephew
2. why they dont spend some time with thwir other grandparents.

Fruitcorner123 don't start trying to provoke an online row. At no point did I accuse or make accusations. I do what any good councillor does, asks questions to make the person look from different perspectives without being suggestive. Learn to interpret what you're reading.

sorry I meant grandchildren

Xpost, obviously

Dn's dad wasnt abusive, just never involved from before birth.
Same as dnephews dad.
I would say my younger brother was favourite.
I know i cant change the situation despite trying.
I have explained to my dd's but they dont believe me.
Harder still as no gps actively involved due to health issues on other side.
So they are missing out.
I loved spending time with my grandparents as a child.
It just saddens and angers me
Thankyou for taking the time to reply

Would you like to swap places for your sisters life?

That's provocative and you can patronise me all you want but you are kidding yourself if you don't think that is the cause of any ensuing online row.

Peta11 is this something that upsets your brother too? Maybe he could try talking to them.

Try not to take this personally.
Favouritism is very toxic. Telling them again will do no good. The less your children see them the better.

Fruitcorner123 I suggest you stop assuming what you think other posters may or may not mean. It doesn't make you look clever, quite the opposite. Do take a look in the mirror before calling other people patronising.

Op - are the childrens fathers involved at all ? Or was one of the fathers a real swine - that could account for over compensating with niece or transferring the dislike of that father to the nephew (if he resembles his father a lot)

It's a whole family dynamic isn't it.

Kingsclerelass summed it up nicely.

I understand that my sister is parenting alone. And that my parents want to help out( as do i.) . But only with one child?

And knowingly upsetting the others? Brother has health issues ..no help ?
I have less serious health issues..no help?
Its not even about help.
I just want them to see how hurtful it is to the children .
Not sure how many more times i can invite them over to see my children overlooked or the invite refused ( despite living less than a minute drive away)

Brand-new house - Christ, that's a bit extreme. I didn't read the OP very well (can't get to grips with all these acronyms) so I didn't realise the single parent actually had a son who is being neglected of time too.

My brother and I got a lot more attention off my GPs as DM worked and they cared for us. I wouldn't have minded at all if my cousin's got that too, I saw them a lot and spent all summer with them. Your message was slightly extreme.

newyear
Do take a look in the mirror before calling other people patronising

I didnt know what i expected from the thread.
Maybe some ways to accept it and help my children, some understanding or validation of my feelings ( thankyou to those who gave me that i really really appreciate it) but overall this has left me feeling like im the bad guy and shouldnt feel this way despite the circumstances?

It hasnt affected my relationship with my niece, nephew and sister. And i have other lovely family members so i guess i should quit moaning and suck it up.
Thanks for your time

Were they like this when you were kids? DH’s family are like this (narcissistic!). They had a golden child, then a golden grandchild, now even a golden great grandchild. Photos of one great grandchild out in the living while ours in is the spare room! We live some distance away so we are slightly removed from the situation but I can see why it’s hurtful in your situation. I guess you can either accept it or take a step back from it. I doubt they are going to change if you’ve already confronted them about it.

BrandNewHouse yes I OBVIOUSLY have no empathy for OP, you've judged that from 50 words written on the internet. Get a grip.

I didn't realise in my first message that Dsis had a son too, I thought her DD was an only child, so I was saying I think it's probably just instinctive for them to put more attention on that child being a single parent. However I dont think it's right that they seem to be completely declining your children of any of their time or focus. The best you can do is continue to invite them round and if they decline, I'm afraid I wouldn't be asking much in the future. OP