Favouritism

[Peta11]

So my parents have 7 grandchildren. My dsis( single mum- relevant ) daughter (dsis also has a young ds) is the eldest and very clear favourite.

She stays with them every weekend.
Gets taken out shopping every saturday with my mother and my father takes her out for a burger on the sunday( and just about everywhere they go )

They buy her a summer and winter wardrobe every year, and little treats.
( my dd thought dn was rich to be allowed to go out with them all the time)

They do buy them all a daft amount of gifts at christmas and for birthdays ( not always well thought out as they dont really know what they like but always gratefully recieved.)
But thats it , not even a packet of sweets on the rare occasion they visit.
They do not spend any time with them at all.
Not even sat indoors chatting, let alone anythong else.
I just find it very sad.
My Dd's are getting to the stage that its upsetting them.

Especially my elsest as she is close in age to my dn.
So i have told them how hurt my dd's and 2dn's are.
And also how hurt my brother and i are that our children are overlooked.

Last time they told me basically that they wont be told how to spend their time and money.
And that my kids have 2 parents and dont go without.
I said they dont want for anything except your time.
Fair enough .
Case closed.

But i cant get past it. How do i accept this?
I dont feel i can bring it up again at the moment due to bereavment, we are all grieving.
I find it really upsetting that they know how hurtful it is ..and dont care

I dont really know what im hoping for from this but the rant felt good.
Thanks

I think you are getting a tough time on this thread OP. I would spend less time with your parents so that your DC hopefully don't realise how much they are missing out. Your DPs are being cruel to their other grandchildren by so obviously favouring one. Your Dsis should make an effort to sort the disparity between her DC as that will cause real issues.

I think this situation is a bit sad really. My DH had a sister (she died) and she was very much the favourite. When her kids were born, they were also the favourite grandchildren. At Christmas MIL would take them all away to a posh hotel and pay for everything.

One thing we’ve learned from this is how important it is to treat your children equally despite their circumstances.

I’m sorry for your situation OP and I feel the only thing you can do is crack on with your own lives and try not to be bitter. 💐

I could have written this myself, my mum is like this with my sibling and his children, does so much more for them than she has ever done for me, I can't keep up with how much more money she spends on them in relation wo what she spends on mine (which is nil) She is paying for one of them to go on a once in a lifetime holiday - no offer to help to any of the other grandchildren. She has admitted once it is unfair. I am waiting to see how long it is before she actually contacts me to ask about my children - up to now its been 6 weeks.

OP not sure why you're getting so much negativity on here, it's not right. It's not about your sister needing help because they don't lavish the same attention on her son. All you are asking for is for your parents to be have a relationship with your children, you've spoken to them and they seem dismissive. I'm not sure what to say to you but wanted you to know that people blaming you or calling you selfish for this are so off piste it's unbelievable and clearly see themselves in this scenario somewhere (one claims to be a counsellor but can't spell it...) , hence the nasty defensive comments.

Your sister needs to step up. She is enabling it.

I understand the GPs having a special relationship with the eldest grandchild- she's the first, and probably was very involved with them from the beginning especially as dad wasn't around. That is a special bond.

However, sister should be saying 'it's DS's turn to come this week' or 'DD would like you to take her cousin too, it would be fun for the girls together'.

Just a bit at a time, no need for confrontation, just gradually increase the contact with the others until the relationship is built.

OP I know where you are coming from. Is difficult to explain to children why their cousins are favoured more when you the parents have not treated the GP any differently.

I would say if you have GP on DP side build on it. I know it's not the same.

My kids now just accept it as the bitter truth. They not really that fussed.

Not much help for you but wish I All the best

Single parents should be supported not favoured. That is unfair and causes resentment. Like pp have said perhaps your sister should say something. If she is unaware perhaps you should gently tell her.

Yes it is unfair at the end of the day, for your children and also your nephew. The kids have noticed, and at some point in the future your parents will be wondering why their grandchildren don’t visit them ...

Brother and sister are both aware( as are siblings with no children). Everyone has mentioned it. Even other family members.
When its been suggested they invite one of other GC somewhere mother shoots down the suggestion as unfair to DN ??!
Its honestly mind boggling!!

I know the situation will not change.
I just need to let go of my feelings about it somehow.
And help my eldest too aswell .
I am genuinely grateful for the support and i feel for all the others of you who are in a similar situation.

What about your sister saying 'DD has promised to spend next Saturday with DN, so unless you have them both she won't be able to come that week'.

Me and my children decided to stop seeing my parents about 7 years ago after putting up with a very similar situation for almost 15 years. My parents have taken my sister’s children all over Europe on holidays, given them cars for their 18th birthdays, taken them here, there and everywhere on days out yet never even bought my children a packet of sweets or taken them to the park.

The worst thing for me was the lies. I confronted them about it when y kids were toddlers and after that they tried their damndest to hide it all from me but it always came out. Other family members commented but they’ve got the hides of rhinos.

My children are adults now and doing well for themselves. My parents are the ones who’ve missed out. DS2 was at his girlfriend’s house and her mum commented on it and he said he’s got no desire to spend time with people who openly showed they liked his cousins more than him.

When my parents die all the other grandchildren will have memories of what they’ve done with them apart from mine. That makes me sad though.

OP- did your parents spend lots of time and money on your niece before the other GC were born?

My own grandparents openly favoured my cousins in every way so my parents try very hard to be fair with my DC and nieces

However, my oldest niece is the olders of the GC and so for years was the only one. She has always been rather demanding, whereas my DC and other nieces are relatively easy going. Nieces' dad is not around now but when he was made their home life difficult. So for many years my parents felt they had to step in to more of a parent role (spending time with her, buying her clothes etc, paying for after school activities and holidays etc), and had no other GC to work around. I know that they found this really difficult as they didn't have the time or money to do the same with the other GC but felt it would upset Niece1 if they suddenly stopped doing it for her.

They really try to be as fair as they can but I know that Niece1 (not sure if it's intentional or otherwise- she's late teens now but still the same) makes them feel bad if she is expected to share them or their money with the others. Eg. she objects to having to share a room with her sister so we can all stay at parents at Xmas/her birthday etc, she thinks it unfair that she does not get the same amount of expensive presents from GP now that there are younger GC as well, she is not happy that if she stays with GP for the summer holidays and has to spend some time doing activities with the younger GC.

BrandNewHouse - Since when did instinctive mean right and proper? Perhaps someone gets angry and they're instinct is to punch something, that doesn't mean it's right? Those two words aren't related at all. Stop cherry picking parts of my comments when I'm agreeing with the OP. Instinctive behaviour doesn't always mean right.

PETA, You should join us on the “most useless advice I have ever had on mn” in the chat section. You have had some stooopid responses here!!

Nowhere has she said she envies her sister’s life?!!! She is sad and upset that her kids grandparents are favouring one child over the rest. Those are perfectly legit feelings to have. She has simply outlined the difference in treatment between the kids.

And I’d like to know how posters know that “her kids want for nothing”