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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DD invite "friend" to her party

37 replies

Deadmouse · 14/05/2018 20:46

Have name changed for this.
I've seen quite a few party threads on similar subjects and the majority opinion on here seems to be that you shouldn't influence or interfere with the child's choice on who they invite to their party, however I'm really not sure what is the right thing to do in this situation. The party is small, about 8 friends, an activity at home, so by no means whole class and leaving out one person type of thing (30 children in class)

The particular friend is constantly unkind to my DD (7, turning 8 on birthday) she puts her down, mean comments about her appearance or work, she controls who she plays with and where she goes. School have been trying to help but she doesn't seem to stopping the same kind of unkind comments or snide remarks about nice things DD does or has. It's not been as bad since DD has managed to get away a bit and play with other friends after her teacher reassuring her that was ok to do.

The problem is she still wants to invite her, I think she feels she has to. It's not a case of one friendship group being invited and this one girl being left out as DD has different friends and some are from out of school. I just don't feel it's right to invite someone that's so unkind to her and I'm 99% certain she would have something unkind to say at the party as she seems to do this to DD at every other party. The parents won't be staying and I'm not sure I can take having this child in my home and under my supervision after how awful she's been to DD.

So AIBU to say I don't think she should be invited?

OP posts:
IceSwan · 14/05/2018 20:50

You're doing the right thing

Hadalifeonce · 14/05/2018 20:52

I certainly wouldn't invite her. It will encourage your DD to understand, she can have other friends, and doesn't need to be supervised by this toxic girl.

MediocrePenguin · 14/05/2018 20:52

I don't think I'd want her there either as sounds like she may ruin your daughters bday x

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2018 20:55

I think it’s OK to guide choices in this situation, OP.

A small party can fill up quickly with others, especially if some are from out of school, so I’d just gently encourage more names from your DD and engineer it so that the girl in question ends up no. 9.

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/05/2018 20:56

I wouldn't either, no doubt people will be along to tell you if your daughter wants to then you should but I wouldn't allow my daughter to invite her to be honest, especially not as things have improved as your daughter has spent time with other friends, I would see it as another way to put to more distance between them

AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 21:01

I wouldn’t invite her.

In the past we’ve had to invite a frenemy to parties because otherwise we would have been excluding only one from a wider group.

It was so bad one year DD chose not to have a party just so she wouldn’t have to suffer her. (Don’t worry we did something really fabulous instead)

We managed it the next year by having my DM be specifically invited just to keep an eagle eye on that particular child (which worked) but if I could have found a socially acceptable way to avoid inviting her we would have.

We have politely declined all invites to the frenemy’s parties for several years. Just a shame we are always busy that weekend.

Original poster
Deadmouse · 14/05/2018 21:07

Thank you for the responses and I'm so glad people agree that it's right not to invite her!

@amazingPostVoices it's such a shame them having to consider these frenemies when planning birthdays isn't it! I'd considered the monitoring by DM or DH but with such a small party that wouldn't work in this occasion.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 14/05/2018 21:12

Your DD may be scared of upsetting this girl by not inviting her....but children like this often say nasty things after a party, for example I know if one child grumbled to friends after a party about the lack of fizzy drinks. Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2018 21:14

Please just tell your dd in the nicest possible way that this girl is not acting like a friend and you will not have her at the party, end of.

This takes the pressure off your dd.

Good luck.

AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 21:15

It does make it tricky Dead.

The last party we did was bowling so I just made sure that child wasn’t in the same lane as DD and my Mum stayed close to that lane and lurked near that child during party tea helping with drinks etc.

It worked really well actually and wasn’t obvious at all.

House parties are a bit more difficult to divide and conquer.

guessmyusername · 14/05/2018 21:18

Could the 'friend' be controlling the invitation?

wildgarlicflowers · 14/05/2018 21:19

Think I would be tempted to not include the girl as long as she isn’t part of a group and all the others are going.

Andthatsthat · 14/05/2018 21:21

Don’t invite her. We’ve had pretty much the same thing in the past and gone for the easy option of inviting said child. It’s easy in the short term, but the more you encourage this ‘friendship’ with party invites etc, the harder it will be for your dd to shake this girl off.

Encourage the positive friendships that your dd has, and you will all enjoy the party so much more.

I think it’s perfectly fine to influence and discourage any toxic friendships that your children may unfortunately enter into. I’m not ashamed to admit I have, especially when something could escalate into a bullying situation eventually like we have experienced.

BlankTimes · 14/05/2018 21:22

Make sure your DD has a couple of good watertight responses when frenemy asks her directly why she can't come to the party.

Original poster
Deadmouse · 14/05/2018 21:24

@italiangreyhound that is good advice and basically what DH said (but in not such polite terms) when I told him I felt we had to invite her.
I'm trying to encourage DD to stick up for herself and I feel inviting this girl would do the opposite and gives the message that it's ok how she has been treating her when it really isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deadmouse · 14/05/2018 21:30

@blanktimes good point and one of the difficulties to consider! DD's birthday is in the summer holidays which should help as it won't be talked about before or after at school.

@andthatsthat I think that's the point we are at, as we have previously invited her and done play dates etc and she always upset DD (never happens with any other friendship) and I feel lately it had ventured towards bullying territory and was time to stop hoping they could "play nicely" as it's more of a one sided issue.

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 21:36

If the party is in the summer it’s an even easier decision.

Andthatsthat · 14/05/2018 21:40

In my experience, a party is a great way to encourage some great new friendships. It’s amazing how you can see the dynamics change when certain children are absent.

As I say, I’m as guilty as the next person of inviting who I feel I should to save face/cause the least upset, but ultimately this does not benefit your dd. At this point, she is still young enough to mix up her friendship group without it causing too much upset. I stupidly left it until yr6 to intervene, when it’s not so easy.

Invite the pleasant children and have a great party!

OreoMini · 14/05/2018 21:41

I wouldn’t invite her

Italiangreyhound · 14/05/2018 21:47

"I'm trying to encourage DD to stick up for herself and I feel inviting this girl would do the opposite and gives the message that it's ok how she has been treating her when it really isn't."

1000%

Yes, if she allows this girl to get away with she will secretly either simmer with anger or feel in some way the behaviour is towards her is justified, IMHO. Which of course it is not.

They can be friends later, when this girl grows up a bit and realizes that this behaviour is not on. Children should feel safe everywhere but especially at their own party and in their own home.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 14/05/2018 21:49

YANBU. She wouldn't be setting foot over my threshold. DS has a couple of friends like this, on and off. There was a period of time where it was a lot and he kept asking for one to come around, I refused and told him why.

There is a girl in DDs class who is just bloody horrible, at one point she mentioned about inviting her to her party and I said no as she wasn't a friend.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 22:00

You’re doing the right thing OP - definitely wouldn’t invite her.
The controlling behaviour of this girl towards your daughter needs nipping in the bud - the other girl may have already made your daughter ‘promise’ she’ll be invited to the party - hence your daughter wanting her to come. We had a similar situation with our DD - you’re definitely doing the right thing

PaperTrain · 14/05/2018 22:02

If you help the decision by saying you don't think this girl has been nice enough to be invited, hopefully a lovely party with other friends will give your DD the confidence to detach from nasty girl completely.

Odoreida · 14/05/2018 22:03

Don't invite her - also you sound like a lovely, thoughtful parent. Hope your daughter enjoys her party.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 14/05/2018 22:06

From what you describe I would discourage inviting her

But I can't believe people are calling 7 year olds "toxic"