To not let DD invite "friend" to her party

[Deadmouse]

Have name changed for this.
I've seen quite a few party threads on similar subjects and the majority opinion on here seems to be that you shouldn't influence or interfere with the child's choice on who they invite to their party, however I'm really not sure what is the right thing to do in this situation. The party is small, about 8 friends, an activity at home, so by no means whole class and leaving out one person type of thing (30 children in class)

The particular friend is constantly unkind to my DD (7, turning 8 on birthday) she puts her down, mean comments about her appearance or work, she controls who she plays with and where she goes. School have been trying to help but she doesn't seem to stopping the same kind of unkind comments or snide remarks about nice things DD does or has. It's not been as bad since DD has managed to get away a bit and play with other friends after her teacher reassuring her that was ok to do.

The problem is she still wants to invite her, I think she feels she has to. It's not a case of one friendship group being invited and this one girl being left out as DD has different friends and some are from out of school. I just don't feel it's right to invite someone that's so unkind to her and I'm 99% certain she would have something unkind to say at the party as she seems to do this to DD at every other party. The parents won't be staying and I'm not sure I can take having this child in my home and under my supervision after how awful she's been to DD.

So AIBU to say I don't think she should be invited?

I think the girl has probably been putting pressure on your dd about her party in a 'if you don't invite me I'll not let you play' kind of way. Your dd may be afraid to not invite her. I think you're doing the right thing in taking it out of dd's hands so she can say that you said no.

Wind, I work with 7 year olds and, believe me, this is when you really start to see these 'toxic' behaviours. I think most children go through a phase of it but fortunately only a few carry it on to adulthood.

I've spent plenty of time with 7 year olds, and know the score - and agree it is when the first flush of head-wrecking behaviour often kicks in. Thus I'd not invite said child, but it make the kid "toxic".

Feeling very relieved that everyone agrees!
I don't think she's directly put pressure as I've told DD not to talk about the party yet until we sort invites out. But I think just in general she feels controlled by this girl and would feel she had to invite her. I don't want to further cement that feeling in DD anymore.
Toxic may seem a harsh word but it has surprised me how manipulative SOME 7/8 year olds can be! DD seems a little more unaware of motives behind behaviours and why nasty things are said but some of the ways this girl has upset DD are really not nice at all and I wonder where this behaviour comes from.

I wouldn't invite her and explain to your DD why not. I think it's helpful that she sees if you behave badly it has consequences.

It also shows her that healthy boundaries can and should be drawn and she should not accept anyone being mean to her.

Wind I don’t think anyone said the child was toxic, they said the friendship was “toxic”.

I think that’s fair to be honest. Not all friendships will be successful for a variety of reasons.

I also think that there are some children who just aren’t very nice.

That’s not to say they might not improve over time or that they might not grow into perfectly nice adults.

But not very nice adults don’t just suddenly become unpleasant on their 18th birthdays.

I had a long talk with my Dd about what a friend is when she was small and having issues. A friend is someone who makes you feel:
good about yourself
Who always has your back
Who shares things with you
Etc.

a child grumbled to friends Fred a party about the lack of fizzy drinks.

These sort of kids never grow up. I organised a surprise party for dh years ago. One of the women bitched that there was no branded red bull but a substitute. A) the country I was living in didn’t license it. B) I didn’t buy it, I asked some friends to bring Red Bull from Germany and they arrived with the supermarket own brand. Group of bullying bitches btw.

Your dd needs to learn to stand up to these people and you are being a great mum by showing her.

Definitely don't invite her.

DS1 has a "frenemy" - he even calls her that. They've known each other since they were 2, and her mum is a very good friend of mine. Our younger boys are also friends. But this girl is often quite horrible to DS1, so when it was his party last year, he didn't want to invite her and I said he didn't have to. It was a bit of a gamble given the other friendships between our families, but my friend knows her DD can be a bit difficult so she was fine with it.

Thing is, I feel guilty because I know her DD has ADHD and some behavioural issues because of it - but she does have other friends and goes to other parties, and has friends come to her parties, so it's not like no one bothers with her. I just didn't want DS1 upset on his party day (she's often quite physically violent towards him, hitting and kicking and so on - of course we tell her to stop but usually she's already hurt him by then).

But I still think I did the right thing - you have to show your children that it's ok to say no to children/people who are mean/violent towards them - and that it's never ok for them to be mean/violent to us.

You could suggest doing a 'special' playdate with just the difficult child and your DD which will be way more fun than the party. Which will never happen. Takes the pressure off your DD?

I've been amazed at the bitchiness and politics my DD has in her same year group and have experienced her saying "X is upset she's not invited" (this was a party I was throwing and inviting the friends of DD who's mums I was friends with) so I just said blame it on me !
I would not be inviting this girl and imagine she's bullying your DD about it as has heard about it
It's hard to think of an 8 year old being a bully but I've seen it first hand and am trying to teach my own DD how to recognize it and avoid it

Definitely don’t invite her.

DD had a ‘frenemy’ like this all through Primary. Made worse because I was at the time good friends with the girls mum.

By year 6 I had had to teach DD that this girl was not a true friend and DD had to learn to see her for what she was. Luckily DD made other friends and moved away from this girl.

Sadly, despite being children, some learn those nasty frenemy skills young. Some of them never drop them either.

Teach your DD that people who treat her badly are not to be put up with.