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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another PIL thread

27 replies

Guna100 · 14/05/2018 16:53

I'd love to say I'm a long-time lurked, but I've become a very intense lurker since my daughter was born several months ago!

Anyhow, massive issue with PIL's - I'll try to give as much as possible so as not to dripfeed.

PIL are retired, late 50's....we live in the same town as them....but they have a holiday caravan a few hours away. My parents also live in the same town, both work full-time.

A few weeks back, I was rushed to A&E - what had been a standard infection had entered the blood stream, and I was diagnosed with sepsis, a pulmonary embolism and a few other bits and pieces - two weeks in hospital, bags upon bags of antibiotics, morphine injections etc etc.....

My husband called his parents asking them could they help mind DD (as in one feed a day - 2/3 hours so he could visit me in hospital, I was having a bad reaction to the drugs and very, very ill).......they said no, fair enough.....DH and my parents all took annual leave days and it was covered off. That interaction was about six weeks ago, since then his received a few texts saying they 'hope i feel better' or i 'must be feeling better by now'. They spent the last few weeks at their holiday home.

This weekend, there was a text to say they now plan on spending the next few days in our town to 'help'......this is my first full day with DD.....what changed? Last week I ran into PIL's close family friend in my GP surgery at one of my numerous check-ups and she was shocked to hear I was so unwell (and in her words - look bloody awful!)

DH text his parents to say that we were good - now they want to see their granddaughter since it's been weeks!

AIBU to insist no thanks, we are all good, since I am still in recovery and minding DD for 12 hours by myself is a massive milestone? Even if all I can do is sit and watch tv and play with her on her mat?

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/05/2018 16:58

How bloody selfish of them! I'd absolutely be saying no, you could have died and they wouldn't even help out one day so your DH could be with you.

Quite honestly i bet said family friend has made them feel like shit/embarrassed about it by mentioning seeing you, and theyre trying to keep up reputation appearances now.

Good to hear you're on the mend, get well soon x

FesteringCarbuncle · 14/05/2018 17:01

No way let them help
They will brag to friends how much they have done. Tell them the crisis is over thanks and you need to rest so please don't visit

ncforadvice905 · 14/05/2018 17:04

Tell them kindly to fuck off

Aprilmightbemynewname · 14/05/2018 17:04

Agree that dh needs to tell them that you aren't up to visitors. He will let them know when is best..
Christmas??

Nanasueathome · 14/05/2018 17:08

I would go for 2 weeks after Christmas, possibly mid January
That way they won’t expect to be invited to spend Christmas with you and you waiting on them

Chillyegg · 14/05/2018 17:11

Just text them saying no your too I’ll to host you’ll be I contact at a later convienient time. What a bunch of arse holes!

Groovee · 14/05/2018 17:12

Your DH desperately needed help a couple of weeks ago but they refused to help. But now they have decided you need help.

I would get DH to phone and insist you don't need them.

WankersWankers · 14/05/2018 17:12

See my username, it's describing them.

Angrybird345 · 14/05/2018 17:13

No way!! Tell them to jump!

Paperthin · 14/05/2018 17:14

Wow OP glad you seem to be on the mend but that’s been a real tough time for you all.

I can see that there lack of support must have really hurt , and I am guessing your DH is on the same page as you?
I think Aprilmight has it - you are not up to visitors and are just enjoying your time at home recuperating with your DD and DH and it’s been tough so it might be a good while before you are well....
If you want to keep a relationship with them, albiet more at a distance, could DH take her to see them for a short visit, then say he needs to get home to see you. Get well soon x

Lilacwine1 · 14/05/2018 17:24

What an awful time you've had. The PILs want shaming, I'd be dropping it into every conversation I had, "My parents were amazing, I don't know how we could have coped without them. PILs? Haven't seen them for about 6weeks. We did ask if they could help out, but they said no, they were on holiday in their caravan" If I were you I'd tell them, there's no need to call in, as you need to recover, and you will let them know when it's convenient for you. Hope you get back to full health, very soon.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/05/2018 17:32

I’d say to them “no thanks, it was weeks ago we needed the help. I’m resting now. We’ll let you know when it’s a good time to visit”. And then don’t until you feel less angry/let down.

ParentInCharge · 14/05/2018 17:36

I agree with everyone here. A nice polite no thank you, you're not up to host guests. If they say about coming to help, DH can tel them that the request for help was refused and it's no longer required now.

ParentInCharge · 14/05/2018 17:37

Maybe they can pop over another time. You free in January?

SpandexTutu · 14/05/2018 17:39

Just reply saying thanks for the offer but you are still in recovery and not up to hosting people yet. You'll be in touch when you are well again.
If they say they want to help, say thanks but you can now cope on your own but are not up to hosting yet. You'll be in touch when you are well again.
If they still say they want to help, say thanks but your parents have been taking time off work to provide support. You'll be in touch when you are well again.
Rinse and repeat.

Lonesurvivor · 14/05/2018 17:42

"We don't need help any longer we needed it badly two weeks ago when we requested and you were unable. We've been through a lot recently and are unable to have guests but we will let you know at a future date when we are up to hosting"

FrazzledAndFeelingIt · 14/05/2018 17:43

Definite no thanks, we’ll let you know in the summer.

Iloveacurry · 14/05/2018 17:44

It would be a polite no (or not-so polite!) from me. It would of been helpful a couple of weeks ago when in hospital, but on the mend now. Go and enjoy the caravan (and piss off and leave me alone!)

Dermymc · 14/05/2018 17:46

A thanks but no thanks is definitely appropriate here. What bastards!

Shampaincharly · 14/05/2018 17:48

They will expect you to get up and make them cups of tea and coffee etc.
You need your rest now and time to bond with your DD.
Tell them you will be in touch later ( a lot later)

Elllicam · 14/05/2018 18:23

I’d probably be saying something like while I appreciate the offer of help we are now fine and just need to get back into a routine.

Nunya · 14/05/2018 18:44

NO, you would not be unreasonable to tell them off, IMO! They don't want to "help" or intend to help you at all, that ship has sailed. They said the truth when they said they want to see their grandchild now since it's been weeks and "you must be feeling better by now" so they'll think nothing of visiting and letting you host them and take care of your child as you're trying to recuperate from being seriously ill. I doubt they'll be much help at all, OP. Do you really want them there now? YOUR recovery is what's important here, not what they want or when they want it. I'd make it clear that they can wait on your invitation before coming round again

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 18:58

Ignorant bastards. Just no. Resting and having lots of baby snuggles sound very much in order. 😍

ButtermilkBiscuits · 14/05/2018 19:17

Holy hell that is disgraceful behaviour from PILs and I'd definitely have DH tell them "too little too late".

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/05/2018 19:25

Shocking of them not to come and help out when you were so poorly! Unforgivable really.

Tough shit they want to help now. Were they at their holiday home when you were first I'll?

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