AIBU to refuse to justify why DS isn't potty trained yet?

[jamoncrumpets]

3yo (4 in Sept) isn't potty trained yet. He is awaiting a full paediatric assessment for additional needs, we already know from assessments by educational psychologist and a speech and language therapist that he definitely has speech and communication delay, and I suspect ASD to be at the root cause of it (though don't want to tell family that until I'm absolutely certain).

He is verbal, and improving every day. We still hear a lot of echolalia but it's mixed in with full sentences and he's started using verbs too. He's also getting a bit better at social cues eg waving and saying goodbye, offering hugs and kisses.

But he will never, has never, communicated to us that he a) needs the toilet b) has soiled himself. I tried putting him in pants so that he could feel the wetness/discomfort but he just continued to wet/soil himself - for two weeks. So we scrapped it because it was VERY messy.

If we put him on the potty he just gets straight off. Same with the loo. He will not stay on it. We can't bribe or convince him to either.

Anyway, I'm just trying to justify that I have tried to PT him, but it just hasn't worked. So we're just going wait until the late summer then try to give it all another go then.

The problem is that my family, my DF in particular, just cannot get their heads around him still being in nappies and bring it up with me at every opportunity. DF has even got his sister asking me about it now. I've told him, them, over and over that he's not ready yet but then the next time we're on the phone I get 'How's his potty training going? Is he out of nappies yet?!'

AIBU to just tell people to fuck off (ok, maybe a more polite version) when they ask me about this? Raising a child with AN is hard enough without having to explain over and over again why they're not hitting milestones.

That's easy then, there's loads online.

Plus, they look like an excellent bribe to me .

Bribes don't work Cheshire, he doesn't understand the risk/reward thing.

Bribes won't work because developmentally he is not ready. It will happen eventually.

For what it’s worth many, many know kids with SN are not ready until much later.

I’ve read posts of people determined to do it because of these outside pressures and sometimes it’s taken them months!

With the help of professionals it’s good to draw up a list of issues, and tackle things in a sensible way. My child at 5 now has the language and physical maturity to toilet train. I spent those crucial first years helping his language, behaviour and physical strengths. I’m so glad I concentrated my energy on these and didn’t neglect these just to toilet train a year earlier.

Ah, got it .

Honestly, not sure why people even care, it'll happen when he's ready, no matter what you do.

Just thought, how are you supposed to teach him unless he understands cause and effect? Harder even if you can use incentives.

Well quite, I don't know tbh.

YANBU we have just TT our DS and he had the hang of it after a week and 2 weeks later is completely dry. We tried back in January but after a week he was still having lots of accidents every day so we gave up. He was just ready this time, before that stage any attempt is awful and stressful. He hardly said any words until he was 2.5+ and we were referred to SALT, utterly pointless trying to TT when they can't communicate well.

Sorry what the point of my post is, definitely wait until he is ready

I have two non verbal ASD sons who are 2 and 4. Neither potty trained. My family were similar to yours initially. They get it more now. My 4 year old will sit on the loo but no interest in communicating when he needs to go. I am going to try again over the summer but have resigned myself to him starting school in nappies. It's so hard.

My ds has ASD, it took me a long time to accept he was not NT and his gp even longer. Sounds like your df has not got there yet. I suggest just saying "we are taking professional advice on that" when he mentions it.

My ds now 6 with NDD, ASD traits, speech and language delay cracked it at 4:5 years, just before he started school in September. It took a whole year of blood sweat and tears, but really we should have waiting until he was ready. What you can do, is ask your HV, GP or Paeditrician to refer you to the Incontinence nurse who will help you with potty training. We did that, but she was not really needed, by the time we saw her, ds had almost cracked it, so there was not much to do.

I think that they are struggling to accept that your ds has special needs.

Oh the irony - your DF is getting frustrated that he can't get his DD to do what he wants.

Ask your father out right: "do you think I'm a bad mum? Do you think I haven't got my child's best interests at heart? Do you think the bond between me and my child is weak?" And then ask him why he thinks he has any right to tell you how to parent.

He is your son. These are your decisions. You don't need to keep having the conversation so won't be talking about it any more.

Next time DF asks, just reply "really? This again? Moving on..."

Best of luck

He has to be developmentally ready to understand star charts, rewards etc. If he does not get it, than he is not ready. Toilet readiness is a developmental process much like walking and talking, some get there early, some are late. We should be accepting that, instead of expecting all toddlers to do it at the same time. Ds 6 was late walking, he was 18 months old, which might have had an affect on it.

I agree that they haven't accepted that he has additional needs. Hopefully they will.

My DS2 was born with a rare health condition. He has had surgery but will face specific issues around eating his whole life. Despite visiting him in NICU and having it all explained to them multiple times, PILS can not accept that there's anything wrong with him. They say things like "so glad that he's all better now." 🙈

What ThinkOfAWittyNameLater said.
I don’t think you should justify or explain too much.
Just a brief statement about the situation and then tell them to stop nagging/judging you and start being respectful and supportive.
Repeat broken record style every time they bring it up and hopefully they will STFU. If they don’t STFU, maybe see and contact them less for a while.

I think the wider family struggle because when they see DS they see a very 'normal' looking, healthy happy boy. Ok he might not talk as much as other kids but he's very willing to play with them and have hugs, kisses etc. He can echo their speech reasonably well so it seems like his speech isn't as delayed as it actually is. He's very content, and thankfully we don't have meltdowns or screaming or head banging. He's pretty happy in most situations - so high functioning I'd say.

But the wider family don't have to worry about getting protein and vitamins into him. Or change his pull-ups. Or see the stark differences between him and his peers in terms of communication. Or listen to him recite entire episodes of CBeebies shows for hours on end. Or hear him rewind and rewatch the same fifteen seconds of a theme tune from a tv show over and over and over again. So they just don't get it.

YANBU. It's none of any else's bloody business anyway.
My ds has asd and he was the same at your son's age. He wasn't fully potty trained until he had just turned 5. There was no point forcing him if he wasn't ready!

That description took me back 20 years to when my ASD ds was that age. He is now living independently and has a job, he did things at a different pace to his peers and is still different but he has come so far I am proud of him.

CheeseCake that is wonderful, my dd 11 has ASD, learning difficulties, developmental delay, high anxiety, and is in Special School, I see her peers sit their SATS, and will be going to senior school in September, and my heart breaks because she wont be able to do that . She is very clever, had a fantastic memory, and wonderful artist, but socially and emotionally, like a 5 year old . At the moment, I cannot picture her doing GCSEs or A levels, even though she is only 11.

Aeroflotgirl I couldn't have imagined how far he's come 10 years ago. He went to a special school at secondary level too. Good luck to you and your dd.

Boys tend to take longer to train than girls. If he has some additional issues it could take even longer. You shouldn't need to justify that.

Thanks very much CheeseCake, I know that she is not the finished person yet, there is still loads of development yet. At aged 11, i would not even think that I would ever go to uni, get a good BA and Msc, live independently, get married and have kids, as I was developmentally delayed as a child. What would be known as 'backwards'. Low sets in everything, I certainly would not have been able to sit my SATS if they had been around all those years ago. I am learning to drive as well, and pretty good at it, after failing 4 tests 20 years ago, and having a long break, I never thought that was possible either. The older I got, the more my skills developed.

My ds has just toilet trained himself at the age of 8. For him, we realised too late that he wanted it to be as low key as possible.

He didn't want reminding, or encouraging and he definitely didn't want praising. Every time he showed an interest in using the toilet and we started reminding, encouraging and praising, he just thought, fuck that, I'm not doing that again if they react in that way!

Anyway, just ignore your dad. They best skill I developed while SN parenting is the ability to tune stuff out.

DD who is 3 has been 'training' for 4 months. She has asc and speech delay too. We've had a horrid day with it, she was at nursery for 6 hours and had an accident, and has had 5 since she got home, one being a poo. She just can't or won't tell me and despite me asking or sitting her on she just does it on the floor 5 minutes later.
We've tried schedules, signs, cards, chocolate, treats, the ipad on the loo and even saying, just go on your own and shout us if you need help wiping. At the end of my tether.

And yes to interfering relatives. I am so sick of them. Even sicker than cleaning wee up. DH's auntie kept ringing me to tell me about how her younger granddaughter was fully trained last summer. Then once I got DD semi reliable in knickers and she realised (at a family party) she started hounding me about how her granddaughter is now dry at night. Not to mention, granddaughter is a genius.

I wish there was more I could do to help DD. But we can only wait. Your DS will get it soon I am sure.