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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my family

42 replies

AnnoyedAndStressedOut · 13/05/2018 14:20

Long story but trying to incorporate everyhing, please bear with me.
I am from overseas, my family stayed there, I am in the UK. My parents are divorced, it was nasty, but nowadays they can at least talk and make things work most of the time, my dad re-married (to the OW).

My younger sister (16) took ballroom dancing classes with her boyfriend and yesterday was the ball to commemorate the end of their course, which sort of was a big deal. My dad paid the course so he would come. I don't know if my parents talked about it but my mum wouldn't go, which I understand as my parents don't have a "let's spend an entire night in a fancy hotel and waltz"-relationship. My dad decided to invite his new wife as his partner. My sister told me about it a few weeks ago, she was kinda uncomfortable with it because we don't really have a relationship with her and that ball is a family affair and also because mother would go ballistic if she knew. At the same time she didn't want to offend my father, so I offered her a solution. I would fly back home over the weekend and be there for the ball instead of dad's wife so she wouldn't have to say "I don't want her there" ao nobody would be offended. She was really grateful but ultimately decided against it, instead just not telling my mum that the OW was coming and hoping she wouldn't find out. I said "fine, but if it all blows up, you keep me out of it" which she agreed to.

Of course my mother found out and was even angrier because my sister lied to her. Yesterday I was out with a friend to celebrate her birthday when all hell broke loose.
First my sister texted me something along the lines "Help! She found out and is mad at me" to which I replied "I told you so" and reminded her that I offered her help before but she decided to do it her way. She then started to have a go on me because "Why can't I have one night without being criticized etc", because I wouldn't help her and she was offended when I reminded her that it was her ball after all.
Almost the same time my mother texted me, angry, demanding I'd call her on the spot. When I explained to her that I couldn't as I was out with a friend she got angry with me as well. She has a form of dumping all her emotional baggage with me, despite me telling her that it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I have just talked to my grandma on the phone, my mum has apparently cancelled all the celebrations concerning my sister's graduation later in summer, she also has a form for overreacting like this
AIBU to be
...angry at my sister for expecting me to fix this?
...at my mother who thinks I am her therapist and always readily available?
... a bit angry at my father as well as he most certainly knows that his decision was a rather insensitive one?
Any ideas on how to deal with them? I am so sick of their drama but I can't go NC with them as I'll eventually have to move back home

OP posts:
cardibach · 13/05/2018 14:24

Ive no idea how you’ll deal with them, but:
a) If your mum didn’t want to come she can’t reasonably object to someone else going
b) this isn’t the ‘OW’ anymore, it’s your dad’s wife. She is family. And I say this as someone whose ex is married to the ‘OW’
Everyone is being unreasonable as far as I can see!

Gemini69 · 13/05/2018 14:26

ignore your phone... and relax Flowers

happypoobum · 13/05/2018 14:32

I really wouldn't get involved at all in all this tedious drama. I would just be very glad I didn't live in the same country.

Agree with Gemini just turn your phone off and ignore until the fuss dies down. It's really not your problem.

anaa1 · 13/05/2018 14:33

Yup they're all behaving pretty unreasonable - none of it your drama or your responsibility. Stop trying to fix things for them, be kind to yourself!

anaa1 · 13/05/2018 14:34

*unreasonably!

Original poster
AnnoyedAndStressedOut · 13/05/2018 14:36

Thanks you all. I am really trying to stay out, but especially my mother is always guilt tripping me with things like "After everything I have done for you" or "You are so selfish, you don't care about your family" which makes me feel terrible because despite everything I love them dearly

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 13/05/2018 14:38

I would remind both parents that this isn't about them. It's about your sisters graduation and they are both being insensitive. Seems like your sister was put in a difficult situation.

CloudCaptain · 13/05/2018 14:40

Has your mother done anything particularly amazing for you which isn't within the normal purview of raising a child?
Ignore the drama. Be glad you live in a different country.

BlueJava · 13/05/2018 14:42

I'd defnitely lay low for a bit and stay out of it. It's not your problem to try and fix. The only thing I'd say is that I agree with cardibach, she isn't the OW, she is your dad's wife.

flumpybear · 13/05/2018 14:45

Throw a
Comment back to your mum that it's not always about her, she's being selfish and cancelling your sisters graduation - how nasty and pig headed if her - really nasty behaviour!

Feellikeaheffalump · 13/05/2018 14:57

Stay out of it and don't engage. This isn't your problem so don't make it your problem or let them make it your problem

Rachie1973 · 13/05/2018 15:06

Jeez your sister is 16! She shouldn't have to deal with this crap parent politics.

Hopefully your Dad and stepmum can step into the graduation breach

In the meantime, your Mum will lose her kids if she continues the emotional blackmail. No sympathy for her.

Ginnotginger · 13/05/2018 15:13

I like Flumpybear's comment, perhaps you could add that she is acting like a 16 year old not your dsis. Then switch off your phone for a few days hours

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2018 15:38

This ridiculousness is 100% your mother's doing and you should tell her that. Your father has a new wife and regardless of what happened in your parents marriage, she needs to get over it. There are other people in the world to consider besides herself. To cancel your sister's graduation celebration is just cruel and vindictive and I hope you tell your mother so. You will only be her emotional punching bag so long as you allow it.

Original poster
AnnoyedAndStressedOut · 13/05/2018 16:06

I am really tempted to switch off my phone forever, but I need it for work.
It's mother's day where I come from and I tried calling my mother three times so far, she didn't accept the calls so I suppose she's punishing me for not ending my night out by giving me the silent treatment (which is for the better tbh).
I know it's hard for my sister too, she doesn't really like my stepmother, but she felt obligated to have her there as my dad paid the course and my mum is just adding to the drama. I am still upset that she is taking it out on me to some extent by blaming me not to coming to her rescue, even though it's not my fault. So basically they are both angry at me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/05/2018 18:59

Send her a Happy Mother’s Day text, say you’ve tried to call and leave it at that.

Ignore the calls, don’t get involved and let them sort it out

Don’t allow yourself to get dragged in.

Iflyaway · 13/05/2018 19:04

my mother is always guilt tripping me

Did you ever just tell her to just fuck off? Of course not. I didn't either. Family dynamics are what they are.

I would recommend finding a great therapist. The best present you can ever give yourself.

Daddystepdaddy · 13/05/2018 19:14

So your dad paid for it but isn't supposed to take his wife? Weird.

Original poster
AnnoyedAndStressedOut · 13/05/2018 22:49

I texted her but I think she blocked me, but I can't really be bothered with that right now. I will be looking for a therapist, definitely, as I see more and more how my own mental health detoriates because of all this

@daddy
My dad's new wife doesn't live near us, has never liked/accepted us and my sister felt forced to say it's okay. We have other female relatives and friends nearby who would have loved to come and who have played a bigger role in my sister's life than she did, so I think my dad should have thought twice about taking her

OP posts:
MissStegosaurus · 13/05/2018 22:54

Your sister is 16 with parents who can't see fit to put her first. I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Hissy · 14/05/2018 13:59

Let go.

Breathe!

Just let them get on with it! You have said your piece to your sister, she is the one who drove this, and come what may, the decision not to tell her mother about your dad and his W attending is on her.

Your Dm is being ridiculous, but that's the way she is, you need to refuse to get dragged in.

This is your DM issue, your dad is understandably wanting his wife with him.

Leave them to it.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2018 14:05

Your poor sister. I can't believe you told her to fend for herself here. She's 16 and was only trying to do what's best.

It's shocking your mother cancelled her graduation celebrations due to this. Absolutely shocking.

Text your mother and tell her this is between her and your father and to put their daughter first and their differences behind them,

Bottom line is however much your mother hates her, she is now your fathers wife and at certain times for the sake of her children she will need to swallow it.

Terrible behavuour from everyone apart from the poor 16 year old.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 14/05/2018 14:13

NONE of this is your fault.

Ignore them all for a few days

Hissy · 14/05/2018 14:39

Bluntness I know what you are saying, but the OP said not to do that and if her M found out that she would have to deal with it. It's a lesson learned not to just let things descend into chaos.

Mind you, sounds like the M is not at all rational enough for a 16 yo to approach.. I do however get the impression that despite saying to her sister to leave her out of it, the OP would have spoken to her DM to try to calm things down, but was busy and in company when the call came.

I do agree with the suggestion to tell the DM to get a grip and sort it out with her Ex.

I think it's lovely that the dad gets to see his daughter dance - especially when he has paid for it, but if that makes more obligations, then it's not really a gift.

Heard this on here the other day "A gift should come with ribbons, not strings"

Original poster
AnnoyedAndStressedOut · 14/05/2018 14:44

@Bluntness
I tried to help my sister out when she came to me about this by offering to fly home over the weekend and making this entire thing a dad and daughters event. She ultimately said no and there is nothing more I can do from here and she knows that. I really tried to help her avoid this entire situation.

All in all, I am avoiding my mother, she's avoiding me and I won't be the one crawling back to her, begging for forgiveness this time. My sister is talking to me but avoiding the topic, my dad is his usual, cheerful self. I know it must be hard on my sister because before I moved out it had been my "job" to keep everything together for the sake of peace, carefully balancing things and maybe I should have prepared my sister but what's done is done

OP posts: