AIBU to be annoyed at my family

[AnnoyedAndStressedOut]

Long story but trying to incorporate everyhing, please bear with me.
I am from overseas, my family stayed there, I am in the UK. My parents are divorced, it was nasty, but nowadays they can at least talk and make things work most of the time, my dad re-married (to the OW).

My younger sister (16) took ballroom dancing classes with her boyfriend and yesterday was the ball to commemorate the end of their course, which sort of was a big deal. My dad paid the course so he would come. I don't know if my parents talked about it but my mum wouldn't go, which I understand as my parents don't have a "let's spend an entire night in a fancy hotel and waltz"-relationship. My dad decided to invite his new wife as his partner. My sister told me about it a few weeks ago, she was kinda uncomfortable with it because we don't really have a relationship with her and that ball is a family affair and also because mother would go ballistic if she knew. At the same time she didn't want to offend my father, so I offered her a solution. I would fly back home over the weekend and be there for the ball instead of dad's wife so she wouldn't have to say "I don't want her there" ao nobody would be offended. She was really grateful but ultimately decided against it, instead just not telling my mum that the OW was coming and hoping she wouldn't find out. I said "fine, but if it all blows up, you keep me out of it" which she agreed to.

Of course my mother found out and was even angrier because my sister lied to her. Yesterday I was out with a friend to celebrate her birthday when all hell broke loose.
First my sister texted me something along the lines "Help! She found out and is mad at me" to which I replied "I told you so" and reminded her that I offered her help before but she decided to do it her way. She then started to have a go on me because "Why can't I have one night without being criticized etc", because I wouldn't help her and she was offended when I reminded her that it was her ball after all.
Almost the same time my mother texted me, angry, demanding I'd call her on the spot. When I explained to her that I couldn't as I was out with a friend she got angry with me as well. She has a form of dumping all her emotional baggage with me, despite me telling her that it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I have just talked to my grandma on the phone, my mum has apparently cancelled all the celebrations concerning my sister's graduation later in summer, she also has a form for overreacting like this
AIBU to be
...angry at my sister for expecting me to fix this?
...at my mother who thinks I am her therapist and always readily available?
... a bit angry at my father as well as he most certainly knows that his decision was a rather insensitive one?
Any ideas on how to deal with them? I am so sick of their drama but I can't go NC with them as I'll eventually have to move back home

Op, you're missing the point. Your parents, particularly your mother, are behaving appallingly. It should never have been your job to peace keep and it certainly shouldn't be your 16 year old sisters.

Knowing she's a young person who lacks the life skills and maturity to deal with warring parents and she has to live with your mother and is being treated appallingly by her, I'm suggesting as an adult you step in instead of letting the two of them keep treating her like shite.

If you want to leave her to it, so be it, but if it was me and I cared for my sister, I would not respond with "fuck yiu I offered now take it" I'd try to help Becayse of her young age.

However clearly I'm not you and your are willing to give her the big fuck you, which is your right, it's not your mess and she's not your responsibility. Your parents can treat her as badly as they wish and you do not need to get involved.

I'm sorry that I am missing your point, but I don't see how I can help her. Don't you think I tried talking to them all those years? My mother doesn't give a flying fuck about what I say. I am only 20, so in her eyes still pretty much a young person who doesn't need to be taken seriously.
I won't have my mother bash and belittle me even more for things I didn't do.
I tried everything in my power and I told her how the consequences would look like but as much as I love her, I can't proxy-parent her. What else should I have done in your opinion? I am hundreds of kilometres away from home, I can't just show up and try to sit them down, I have a job here

Ok. You're also too young to deal with this albeit more emotionally equipped.

If you're not willing to send a text to your mkther saying this is between you and dad it's nothing to do with little sister name, she was put on the spot, then there is nothing to be done. If your mother will bash and belittle you too for it, then you both need to accept your mother is abusive and have your sister count down the days till she also can get the fuck away from her.

I😔

I am sorry for being so rude @bluntness but I have reached a point of where I don't know what else I can do. My job ends in summer and I will be back for university in October, I have to live at home as the city where I am from is very expensive. My sister and I both depend on my mother in terms of finance (my sister more than me) and housing. My mother can be emotionally abusive but it isn't always that way and there are many good things until the most minor issue sets her off.
This job was my first opportunity to get out of that environment and I feel incredibly guilty for leaving my sister behind but I needed this so much to not go insane. I will have to face this sooner or later, but right now I just can't

Where is your dad in all this? Could he help you with accommodation?

He knows what your m is like...

OP I have been in a similar position with my divorced parents and like you, growing up I also had to be the person in the middle who would sort everything out for everyone. I'm 29 now and everyone (including my DM and DF and siblings) come running to when something goes wrong. It's exhausting.

I think you did the best that you could do, you weren't in control of this situation and your sister should have really gone with what you said, but she didn't. Your Mum is acting like a child, she is going to have to accept that the OW is now part of the family. She doesn't have to like or even talk to her but she will be at family events.

I feel so sorry for you and your sister, it's draining being stuck in the middle of things especially parents.

When a man (or woman) leaves and marries their affair partner, she'll always be known as the OW or OM.

At least to the betrayed and children of the marriage.

Just saying dad's wife wouldn't make sense...it because she was the OW that it's an issue.

You will always be the OW/OM to those you've hurt.

Or at least OW/2nd wife.

@Hissy my dad lives in a tiny apartment and divides his time between his new wife's town and ours (where he still works), in the past he's been more like the Disney Dad, fun, carefree, happy to have us but equally happy to take us back home after the weekend was over (don't get me wrong, I still love him dearly).

I am trying to stay on top of their drama and managing everyhing but it's getting harder and harder. And true, to us she will always be the ow, sorry but it is what it is

I completely get it. My dad is married to the OW.

Married now Probably longer than my parents own 22 year marriage

I’ll never forget what they did, nor how she herself treated us, or how he allowed her to, for a quieter life.

@Hissy thanks for understanding, it actually gives me hope that people from my situation can be functioning adults (because honestly, I don't really feel like I am at the moment or will ever be one)

My mother kept the silent treatment up until last night, when she needed something from me (so it's was rather short-lived for a change), I was indifferent but now she's all over me, texting me emojis and pictures. She complained about my sister and told me that she had cancelled an upcoming trip they wanted to take because "if she wants to play happy patchwork family, she can do it with them", I noted that maybe my sister was put on the spot, so she just changed the topic instead of hearing me out 🙄

Blimey, at your age and your sister's age most parents see it as their role to make your like easier. Neither of your parents got the memo, did they? They've got you both trying to dance to two tunes at once. Impossible to win.

Sweetheart... I'm probably older than your mother myself, and the jury is still very much out on if I am functioning or not

You can only save yourself. What is it they say about oxygen masks on planes? fit your own before you fit others.

If you have a silver lining to all this, it's that you have found it all out so young. I found out just how screwed up my family was in my 40s.

Your mother will never be the mother you deserve or the mother you need her to be. She sounds like a narcissist, and its absolutely impossible to have any kind of relationship with a narc that doesn't cause you damage.

I suggest you read up on them. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a good start, pop into the Stately Homes thread on relationships.

How far through Uni are you? could you not get a room in a house somewhere and stay on over the summer and work?

You need to disengage and get on with your life, you need to tell your sister to work as hard as she can to get herself out and that you will help however you can.

Can your dad help financially? even if just enough to help you stay out of there?

My parents actually took the opportunity of when I was down, to absolutely put the boot in.

No matter how old you are, it still hurts.

I have no relationship with either of them now.

You need to emotionally detach and not become the Family Fixer.

Next time when your sister vents ask if there's anything that you can do but don't offer solutions because that's what has gone wrong this time. She's 16 so will make mistakes like not taking up an offer of help from you but that's part of the learning process. (I'm parent of a teen)

Same with your mum. Next time tell her that you are not the one who invited stepmum and ask her to call you back when she's calmer. You don't have to jump to attention- especially when you knew why she was calling. You're not the one who's magically going to calm her down and nor is your sis. Your parents are extremely selfish and you have the luxury of not living there so emotionally detach for your own sake.

Thanks for your tips and recommendations, everyone.

@Hissy I took a year off after graduation to work and travel around and will start university in October. Unfortunately, where I am from, I won't have any right to student accommodation due to "housing crisis", they are all reserved for students who come from out of the area that is served by the city's public transport. Rooms from private unfortunately start at around 550-600€, so this is not an option for me. My father pays the bare minimum of maintenance, I just can't afford to move out (which my mother knows by the way. And she keeps telling me how lucky I am to have a home to return to). I will of course start working and try to find a place to stay but I am afraid that there's no quick solution, either for me or my sister

Could you change to a different university further away where you’d get student accommodation? Or move in with a friend? Or get a student loan to help with housing?

@Mary
sorry for the late answer
I am already in the enrollment process for this particular university.
I also signed up for a housing project(where you become a member, pay a fee and they build apartment houses and buy appartments and if their members need a place, they can apply, it costs significantly less than on the free market)
It's a lengthy process but I am already applying for every appartment suitable for me