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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DD prefers her aunt?!

37 replies

StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 13:55

I have an 18-month-old daughter and 6 months ago we moved back to the town where DH's family live (brother, sister, parents). We've been together 16 years so I know them well, and we all get on etc.

Anyway since we've been back, my DD has formed a close attachment to my SIL, her aunt. Every time she is around DD goes straight over to her, only wants to play with her, wants her to bath her, feed her milk, read her books etc. SCREAMS (and I mean like she's being murdered) if anyone takes her off her, including me. The other day she fell over and bumped her head and I tried to pick her up and comfort her but she screamed louder and reached out for SIL, who took her, gave her kisses and cuddles and she stopped crying.

At first I really liked that that they have bonded (DD doesn't really bond with many people, is quite shy around strangers), but it's been going on for months and it's starting to really get to me - I've even been starting to wonder if DD thinks SIL is her mother? I try to make a joke out of it enjoy the fact that I get a break, but it breaks my heart when I can't comfort her, and it's making me want to avoid them which I know is irrational.

AIBU to feel like this? What would you do? Is it a phase? Do I need to just get over myself?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 13/05/2018 13:57

How often do they see each other?
Was your dd always closely attached to you before?

RomeoBunny · 13/05/2018 13:59

Four options

  • reduce contact with SIL
  • accept the relationship
  • speak to SIL kindly and ask her to back away a little
  • find out what perfume she wears or softener she uses and wear it too 😁

I find it very odd she happily took her off you when your dd was upset. I would always push back to the mothet as the source of comfort and she should be too.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 14:06

Do you live with SIL? If so you may want to change that arrangement.

Original poster
StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 14:19

She's always been attached to me and from around 9-13 months she had quite bad separation anxiety and only wanted me - unfortunately that was around the time I went back to work. She still chooses me over DH and childminder (although she likes them too).

We see SIL maybe 2-3 times per week on average as she only lives a few doors down so we'd pop over for a cup of tea/dinner/to borrow a lemon, etc.

To be fair I sort of passed her over (we were standing right next to each other) as DD was literally screaming with outstretched arms - I think SIL found it a bit awkward too!

OP posts:
Ginnotginger · 13/05/2018 14:20

YANBU at all. My dgs was a like this with me as I looked after him whilst my dd was at work. It obviously bothered dd, though she didn't say anything, as when he came to me for comfort she would comment that he preferred me. I backed off and made sure to be busy when she came to collect him so he would tell her about his day and would either move out of the way so she could get to him first when he fell or pass him to her if he came to me. Now his mum is his favouritist person in the whole world and he loves her to the moon and back and he will tell anybody that!
Have a quiet word with DSil and let her know it bothers you and discuss what changes can be made whilst still keeping their lovely relationship.

callmeadoctor · 13/05/2018 14:24

You see SIL 2/3 times a week? Cut it down.

Branleuse · 13/05/2018 14:32

Honestly it will pass. It would usually mean that she is secure about you, but a bit insecure and clingy around her aunty. I think anything you try and do to change it will not work and will be unecessary. My children have all had phases of preferring their dad or their nana to me and it changes like the wind, especially at this age x

LeonoraFlorence · 13/05/2018 14:32

My niece was like this with me for a while. I have my own DDs so I don’t know if this made a difference to SIL but she was delighted of the rest. Still close to DN (she’s 5 now) but it isn’t as intense as it was when she was a baby/young toddler. My SIL very much treats my DDs the same as her own and vice versa. We are all close and spend lots of time together. I’m sure your DD will grow out of it, OP.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/05/2018 14:34

That’s really hurtful

That said I was jealous if my SIL was they were small but now they are slightly less adorable I am pleased she loves them so much

I suspect it’s a phase but maybe have a word? Tricky tho

maggiecate · 13/05/2018 14:39

Does your SIL have this effect on all babies or just your DD? Some people just seem to be irresistible to little ones, it's like they're baby catnip. It must be smell, or voice or a vibe they give off.

Some people have the same effect on dogs - just instant adoration.

Crinkle77 · 13/05/2018 14:39

I don't know what the solution is. Perhaps it is a phase and will it will pass. I don't think it is fair to say cut down contact with the sil like she is to blame or something.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 13/05/2018 14:40

💐 it’s normal that you’re finding it hurtful, but you need to realise that toddlers go through stages of things. Right now your SIL is a novelty for your DD and your DD is wanting her attention. Children have an unlimited amount of love and you do not need to compete for it. It’s GOOD for children to form strong bonds with other people, it honestly does not reduce the bond they have with you. Think about, god forbid, should you get hit by a bus tomorrow, your DD would have other people she has strong bonds with to help her cope.

She knows you’re her Mum, she ‘takes you for granted’ because she’s secure in your love.

Don’t make your SIL feel bad, nor your DD.

...this too will pass, honest 💐

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 14:40

''Honestly it will pass.''

exactly when i was young we used to prefer the nanny at times as we were attached to her, ofcourse we grew out of it.Kids are fickle and defy logic, they constantly change preferences over who's the best.I really wouldn't worry.

Hazandduck · 13/05/2018 14:42

Ah my niece was like this for a little while with me and even started calling me “Mummy Haz” which I felt a bit uncomfortable with just for my sister’s sake but my sister just laughed and always said if anything happened to her she would want me to be her mummy! It might be a bit different because we are sisters and we are very similar in how we treat little ones (she is the same with my DD and can comfort her the same way as me.) It was just a phase with my niece, I’m sure it will be in this case too, so if I were you I would probably leave it if you get on with your SIL to avoid any awkwardness.

kaytee87 · 13/05/2018 14:43

I wouldn't worry about it tbh if she's still attached to you as well.
I've had strange toddlers / babies reach out to me for comfort at parties etc before. They're strange creatures.

user1457017537 · 13/05/2018 14:47

Has your SIL got charisma as a previous poster said some people have masses of charm

Mintychoc1 · 13/05/2018 15:00

I can’t believe people are saying you should reduce contact! The more people a child has who they love and who love them, the better. This is a phase. It will pass.

SaltyPeanut · 13/05/2018 15:04

My SIL's youngest boy was like this with me, although he was a bit older.
She started making excuses to not see us and we didn't see her again. She kept everyone away, not letting her kids get close to anyone else. She died and now those kids just have their heartbroken dad and nobody else to comfort them.

I can see you feel hurt but wait a little while and see if it's just a shiny new penny type fascination that will wear off. I suspect it will.

Being a mum is hard sometimes, hold in there. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2018 15:08

Look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself you’re raising a confident and loving child, who is happy to go to others safe in the knowledge you’ll always be there.

As others have said, this stage will pass. You are her mum and no one can take that away from you. My dd went to friends when she was little as opposed to me some of the time. She also went through a stage when she went to school of wanting another woman to be her mum. She is ultimate fun mum. At almost 10, dd sees the woman is great st playing but crap at parenting. Still dd got something I was unable to give her due to illness. More recently dd was good friends with one of my friends at a time when she needed a mum to be kind to her. They relationship too has drifted, which is also fine, she’s getting older.

I’ve also had friendships with littlies and for a while I was a cool aunty. It’s all the tapestry of life and giving bits of love along the way enriches the child making them a more rounded adult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2018 15:10

Salty
That’s so sad. Could you not reach out?

Loonoon · 13/05/2018 15:12

I agree with PPs saying this is a phase and will pass. It is probably the novelty of the aunty and the fact she is associated with fun, relaxing times not humdrum everyday life. It might also be that your DD has unconsciously become aware that this pushes some buttons for you and gets her a bit of extra attention and cuddles.

I hope she always has a good connection with her aunty - extended family ties can be very life enhancing but I doubt very much her aunt will ever be more important to her than you. Try and see it as a sign of her being very securely attached to you!

Original poster
StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 15:24

Thanks, it's encouraging to hear that it's probably a phase and has happened to others - a couple of friends I mentioned it to said they hadn't experienced this and that their babies only wanted them, which made me think maybe this is really weird and I need to back off from it a bit.

But as we deliberately bought a house close by to encourage wider family relationships, and this is what I wanted, it would feel odd to do that. DH thinks I'm being oversensitive. He's delighted and says we should take advantage of the situation and go out on the town and get wasted like we used to have some valuable couple time while she babysits.

OP posts:
LokiBear · 13/05/2018 15:26

My dd did this to be but with her dad. Day in and day out she wanted daddy and only daddy. Then she switched.

Ohmydayslove · 13/05/2018 15:32

She knows you are her mum and the aunty is a novelty. Don’t worry it will pass. As long as sil doesn’t undermine your parenting rules in any way don’t let it bother you.

I was a Cm for years and sometimes had this with kids and it’s tricky for a professional
I expect your sil won’t understand until she has her own children.

The more love children are surrounded by the better.

Original poster
StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 15:34

In terms of the charisma thing, she's not a singing dancing Mary Poppins type, but as several have said, when she's around DD gets her complete 100% attention and it's all fun stuff and energetic games, whereas when she's with me I'm often trying to do other things like cooking, washing etc.

She's actually DH's twin and they are very close, so I think she knows that Aunty K is special.

OP posts: