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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that DD prefers her aunt?!

37 replies

StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 13:55

I have an 18-month-old daughter and 6 months ago we moved back to the town where DH's family live (brother, sister, parents). We've been together 16 years so I know them well, and we all get on etc.

Anyway since we've been back, my DD has formed a close attachment to my SIL, her aunt. Every time she is around DD goes straight over to her, only wants to play with her, wants her to bath her, feed her milk, read her books etc. SCREAMS (and I mean like she's being murdered) if anyone takes her off her, including me. The other day she fell over and bumped her head and I tried to pick her up and comfort her but she screamed louder and reached out for SIL, who took her, gave her kisses and cuddles and she stopped crying.

At first I really liked that that they have bonded (DD doesn't really bond with many people, is quite shy around strangers), but it's been going on for months and it's starting to really get to me - I've even been starting to wonder if DD thinks SIL is her mother? I try to make a joke out of it enjoy the fact that I get a break, but it breaks my heart when I can't comfort her, and it's making me want to avoid them which I know is irrational.

AIBU to feel like this? What would you do? Is it a phase? Do I need to just get over myself?

OP posts:

muffyduffster · 13/05/2018 15:34

OP my 17 month old is like this with my mum, but I just think of it as a bonus that she has people in her life that she loves so much and that love her back! Even if she does cry when I go to take her back (DD not my mum but occasionally both haha)
On the other hand my DGM makes a big deal out of it, I've had to point out that if anyone should be upset, it should be me! And I'm not

FuckingHateRain · 13/05/2018 15:36

Of course it's a phase and it will pass but it hurts you now. I wouldn't cut down contact but I certainly wouldn't get her to give her a bath, milk etc ...

Loonoon · 13/05/2018 15:47

I think the twin thing is very significant. Children are incredibly sensitive to non verbal communications and nuance. If she senses that there is a special,connection between her dad her her aunt it will make a special connection between her aunt and her. But not anyway near as special as the bond between you and her OP -you are there for her all the time.

She sounds like a very lucky girl to be surrounded by so much love.

blueskyinmarch · 13/05/2018 15:51

It is very positive. It means she has formed a secure attachment to you and is able to form attachments with other people. She knows you will be there for her she is just enjoying this new relationship.

Original poster

StephWithTheCurls · 13/05/2018 21:38

It means she has formed a secure attachment to you and is able to form attachments with other people.

That's what I'm clinging to!

OP posts:

cunningartificer · 13/05/2018 21:54

Really really don’t worry. No one will ever or can ever replace you for your daughter. No matter how special. I used to joke that my childminder was like this—my daughter would cry and cling to her when I came to pick her up as she was having such a good time—but I never doubted my daughter loved me best. Be secure about your place in her affections and you’ll make your daughter able to love others freely. That’s a great gift to give her. There is so much you do as Mummy. No one can ever do that or replace you.

GinIsIn · 13/05/2018 22:02

One of the nursery workers at my DS’s nursery just had this gift - all children absolutely worship him, and he is every single child’s first choice. Any time he walks into the baby room every single little pair of arms goes up to him. Is your SIL like that for all babies maybe, not just yours?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 13/05/2018 22:44

All my children and nephews prefer their dgp's more than us parents. I do love the bond sitting down with a cuppa whilst they play with gd

Original poster

StephWithTheCurls · 14/05/2018 23:33

Aww what a cute image, Fenella. Actually BIL is much more likely to have that effect. He goofs around with them and DD thinks he's hilarious, but she doesn't want to be close to him like with SIL.
SIL is great but not the extroverted entertainer. She's not dissimilar to me in looks and personality and is around lots so perhaps she just sees her as a mummy-like person who has time and patience to play without getting distracted.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 00:21

My DN is like this with my DH, even when she visits and he's at work she's asking for him, looking for him. He's not been around kids much so not sure what it is! We joke it is because he's really tall and our family are all short and she likes it when he picks her up because she sees more, it may also be that he's a bit of a geek (some Lego, comic book related stuff) so she sees him as a big kid because he has his own toys. I wouldn't worry too much she'll grow out of it

AliasGrape · 15/05/2018 00:33

I’m seemingly my niece’s favourite person at the moment, she actually asked if she could sleep at my house every day recently. I’m not sure why I’m in such favour, we’ve always been close but this is fairly recent and similarly I know it will pass too!

I remember thinking my (12 years older) sister was the best thing in the whole world and my mum says I went through a phase of only wanting her. I still adore her but I was super super close to my mum growing up and as an adult, so it clearly did pass and didn’t affect the bond with my mum.

I can see how it would be hurtful but your daughter knows you’re her mum and irreplaceable- her aunt is still kind of a novelty I guess.

anothergreentomato · 15/05/2018 02:01

My DD was like this with my my MIL for a while. We only saw them once a month but when we did she would scream for her to do absolutely everything. I put this down to the fact that like you say she gave her 100% attention, with lots of energetic fun (plus she showered her with gifts every visit...). To reassure you thougn, in our case it was a phase. We actually saw them a bit more for a while and it was that which calmed things down. MIL had to do some of the difficult, non fun jobs and the novelty fun factor wore off a bit on both sides. DD still loves her to pieces which is great, but it's me she comes to now for bedtime or if she's hurt herself. It's crap so you have my utmost sympathy!

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