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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

29 replies

Mummy2JamesNmax · 13/05/2018 10:46

Love him to bits but getting increasingly frustrated with how he prioritises his hobbies over me and the children.

He’s been doing a lot of cycling lately and today he’s gone on a 70 mile bike ride, left at 7.30am and won’t be back till late afternoon today. Next weekend he is going on a cycling weekend, so is staying away overnight all weekend with his colleagues (All of the others going either have no children or their children are older).

It’s making me really cross and resentful about the fact that he keeps ditching me and the kids to do this. He went on a weekend away last year as well and regularly goes out at weekends and leaves us for hours on end. If he did it when the kids were in school it wouldn’t be so bad but it’s always at the weekend which I feel should be family time.

I’ve tried talking to him about it and told him how I feel but he just doesn’t get it. He simply tells me to get my own hobby and I can have ‘me time’. Just missing the point really as I don’t want ‘me time’ I just want him to choose to spend time with us rather than feel like he’s constantly trying to get away from us. AIBU? I feel like telling him he can’t go at weekends anymore and will have to go in the week during school hours, worried I am going to come across as controlling though.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 10:53

YANBU.

Call his bluff on you time and make plans to be doing your own thing for a few days or weekends. See how he likes parenting alone for a stretch when there meant to be two of you.

I know someone who’s like this about running. It’s as if exercise gives you a free pass as it’s virtuous. It’s as selfish as if he was taking to his bed for 6 or 7 hours to watch tv and insisting he wasn’t to be interrupted.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2018 10:54

Could he go during school hours? Isn't he at work then?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 13/05/2018 10:58

So tomorrow you make plans for yourself and leave him with the dc.

jaseyraex · 13/05/2018 10:58

Could you try and compromise with him that he does alternate weekends or just one day each weekend? Tell him you don't want me time, you want family time.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 11:00

He simply tells me to get my own hobby and I can have ‘me time’

I agree with him. He's entitled to time away from the family on his hobby.

It's healthy to have a hobby and his is a good one for fitness too.

It's about finding a balance between me time and family time.

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 11:01

Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with his children.

I agree with the op, call his bluff texted me time. Book something for yourself (he is saying this because he knows you don’t want it but it makes him look fair. He knows you want family time but is deliberately missing the point. So call his bluff, leave him to it. Each weekend he has away, you book away.)

Do you have a calendar? Get a wall one which shows a month at a time. Mark in colour coded activities. Family time green, cycling time blue... he’ll see how blue the calendar looks (that worked with people at work, incidently all men, who couldn’t see that meetings were taking over from the amount of work we were doing lol!)

letsdolunch321 · 13/05/2018 11:01

Let his tyres down while he is getting teady to go !!!

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 11:01

I meant I agree with the pp ^

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2018 11:02

Can't you get your dp's involved? And the ILs? Invite them over for the weekend. Get them to speak to him. He won't like it but you've tried the easy way.

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 11:02

Fuck typos on my phone. Hopefully you get the gist

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2018 11:03

Your husband has a lot of nerve to go along with his outrageous self-absorption. Basically, riding his stupid bike with work friends is more important to him than his wife and children. I fail to see how his behaviour can be interpreted any other way. Has he always been this selfish?

Timeforabiscuit · 13/05/2018 11:06

You have to use time for yourself too, i took up going round some museums with a friend, having cream teas with the kids, arranging cinema trips to films i wanted to see.

Its a really horrible internal rule to challenge, i was very used to putting my own needs last in the queue, but also used to everyone doing what i wanted when i very occassionally asked for it -its not a very satisfactory set of affairs and can be changed.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/05/2018 11:07

Is he able to go during school hours?

I agree with hobbies, but it should all be equal. Is he leaving you the equivalent amount of time to do your hobby/have family time if that's what you wish with your half?

BartholinsSister · 13/05/2018 11:10

Suggest he gets one of those bike trailer things to take the kids with him.

Merryoldgoat · 13/05/2018 11:12

YANBU OP.

Of course he can and should have a hobby and so should you. But they can’t be done like they are when you don’t have kids.

I reckon a weekend a month each and a couple of evenings is as much as you can realistically expect away from the family when you have young children.

Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with you and the children. Be direct. If he still doesn’t see it then frankly I’d be detaching. I want a partner, not a provider.

Plus - WTF is it about men and cycling? All these cycling widows on Mumsnet...

BlueJava · 13/05/2018 11:12

Book something for yourself at the weekend - give him notice of course, be nice about it. But obviously he'll be looking after the kids.

Xmasfairy86 · 13/05/2018 11:16

I could have written this post. When I bring it up he says ‘I don’t stop you doing things’. I know you don’t, but I want to spend time with you and the kids sometimes! there isn’t time in the weekend for DP alone time, me time, family time and the house work 🙄🙈😫

We just need to think like them, be a tad selfish, and take some time. I’ve taken to running/walking in the evenings around dinner/bedtime so he has to do something!!

Tobebythesea · 13/05/2018 11:16

YANBU. It’s selfish. I get this with golf and gardening. He gets away with the latter as it just ‘needs’ to be done. Mowing and weeding, yes, but veggie growing and this and that is not essential but takes all bloody day. Angry

AnnaMagnani · 13/05/2018 11:28

He knows you don't want a hobby so he gets away with it.

If you genuinely did a hobby that took up as much time as his, and left him parenting the children alone as much as you do, he'd see the point pretty sharpish.

extrapianolessons calendar idea is brilliant.

ShawshanksRedemption · 13/05/2018 11:31

Sounds like he does it at the weekends as that's when his colleagues do it too, so it's a social thing as much as a hobby thing.

I like the wall planner idea as mentioned above so he can see how much time he spends on his hobby and how much is spent on family time.

I also think it's healthy for you to have your own hobby OP, so you can get back to being "you" and have some balance. If you spend all your time with the kids you will be feeling resentful that it's always you that does the childcare, whereas it doesn't have to be like that.

Of course you also need family time too, but perhaps your DH needs to see that visually on the planner to help him understand how his hobby every weekend impacts on that.

LadyLapsang · 13/05/2018 11:32

Do you get time without the children during the week or are you both working full-time out of the house?

bettytaghetti · 13/05/2018 11:32

In very much same boat (or bike) as you OP, but fortunately my kids are older so at least I don't have to look after them when DH is off cycling. His hobby is costing him a fortune in handbags & jewellery! Go shopping!

PuppetOnAString · 13/05/2018 11:47

Why is it always cycling?

araiwa · 13/05/2018 11:58

What did you do yesterday?

extrapianolessons · 13/05/2018 12:30

Why is it always cycling?

I don't know but I was dumped by a cyclist years ago and when I stalk him on facebook look at his facebook page I feel for his long suffering wife and children who have been cycling widow/orphans for 15 years. All major family events are just her and her kids with the exception of the odd party. They are in Australia so even Christmas Day means a ride with "the boys" while they stay at home.

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