Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner messaging another woman aibu to be unhappy?

37 replies

SR3004 · 12/05/2018 22:58

We're both 44 - together 1 year. Both divorced. We no kids together. I thought it was going well. Now I'm confused.

A month ago, he became a bit different. Having been cheated on in the past, and feeling anxious, I checked his phone today.

In early April, he Facebook friended a woman - he worked with her for a few years in the early 1990s it seems. Nothing would have happened in the past, he met his ex wife at school and was monogamous until they split up at 40. But I think he's fallen for this woman now.

Messages started with usual "how are you?" Etc. Normally, when the pleasantries have been exchanged, the messaging stops, right? But... they've messaged regularly (although not every day in fairness) since then, which I think is weird. There's no sex stuff or innuendo but they chat comfortably, joke around, and seem to have things in common. I'd almost prefer sexting tbh! He refers to her twice as "lovely" as in "have a nice day, lovely" and has been impressed by what she's achieved (she's a high flier and told him about her scientific career which he described as "amazing").

He had some good news on Monday and she was the first person he messaged about it, I think. They'd been talking about it on Sunday.

She mentioned betting on a Premier League match and he said, "if you win that £40 later you can buy me a pint". No actual request to meet though.

Lots of emojis, a few xx at the end of messages.

I think he's got a crush. Maybe she does too.

Aibu to think that a straight guy messaging a new female Facebook contact regularly for a month is strange - instead of going quiet once you've done the initial catching up?

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 12/05/2018 23:38

It doesn’t look good sorry OP

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 23:45

Only one reason why straight guy randomly messages a female acquaintance or old friend like that OP, he is taking the piss.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 23:45

He’s not cheating YET but he’s laying the groundwork.

Andromeida59 · 12/05/2018 23:45

Doesn't sound dodgy to me. Just sounds like be has a friend.

Mybrainisfried · 12/05/2018 23:45

I would say something. Or block her on his Facebook and see how he reacts .... been in this situation before and I flipped out messaged the woman after blocking her on dp Facebook and then told him id seen messages to her that id blocked her and pmd her . Nearly kicked him out we had been together 6 year at that point . 9 year now ...

Failingat40 · 12/05/2018 23:46

He's clearly interested in her isn't he?

The £40 and buying drinks is a big hint for meeting up I'd say.

Just monitor it just now, don't let him know you're reading his messages.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 23:48

Is she married or in a relationship?

It doesnt quite seem flirty...but it is showing a lack with boundaries.

BuntyII · 12/05/2018 23:50

He probably goes to her when he wants a little ego boost.

Fruitcorner123 · 12/05/2018 23:56

Just monitor it just now, don't let him know you're reading his messages

If you had been married for years and a break up would be a massive upheaval then I would agree with this but a year is a fairly short time. I would confront him about this and if I wasn't satisfied with his response I would be moving on. the first year of a relationship he should not already be letting his eyes/mind wander This is the honeymoon period.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/05/2018 00:00

Does he converse with male friends in the same way?

Andromeida59 · 13/05/2018 00:00

Christ. These replies are over the top. If an OP came on here and said her partner of a year had snooped on their partner's FB, deleted friends etc. She'd be advised to LTB. Why should this be different?

nibblingandbiting · 13/05/2018 00:06

What a massive invasion of his privacy. If you did that to me, you would be dumped. If you have doubts within a relationship you act like a grown up and have conversations. What you don't do is snoop.
As for the conversations, sounds like friendly shite people talk about all the time. if they were the same sex no-one would have said a thing.
Have a conversation and fess up what you have done.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 13/05/2018 00:06

YABU. I don’t see a problem with what he’s done at all; sounds like he’s connecting with an old friend.

I do, however, see a massive problem with your behaviour; your total disregard for his privacy and such an invasion of trust signals your relationship is dead in the water anyway (and being cheated on in the past is not an excuse for such poor behaviour).

Mybrainisfried He should have been the one kicking you out and never looking back.

Original poster
SR3004 · 13/05/2018 00:07

Thanks for the replies.

She doesn't mention a partner only her son and daughter. So I think she's single.

He has not mentioned me either (red flag?) but he's talked a bit about his children and his colleagues. There are pictures of me on his Facebook page but I don't know whether she'll have looked through his photos.

OP posts:
Original poster
SR3004 · 13/05/2018 00:09

No he doesn't converse with male friends in this way.

OP posts:
Mybrainisfried · 13/05/2018 00:16

If your in a relationship and messaging woman telling them how beautiful they are and how much they fancied her while I'm pregnant with his child. I didn't snoop the phone when when he was asleep he always had it on silent i went to turn it off and it was displaying a message of a woman flirting with him. Any one on his fb would see he was in a relationship and expecting a baby . He's lucky I didn't kick him out . Hate home wreckers and hate men who think they can message woman as if their single . And he has lots of female friend who he messages regularly as friends.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 13/05/2018 00:19

Mybrainisfried Regardless of whether or not you snooped (though I don’t believe you didn’t given your attitude), invading his account by blocking and PMing her is a level of control that is unacceptable, no matter the circumstances.

He would have had a very lucky break if you had kicked him out.

Namesallgone18 · 13/05/2018 00:23

If I snooped on my dh's phone I doubt I'd find anything other than stiff about football. If he was cheating on me and had aroused my suspicions and I checked and they were confirmed, would I feel I'd massively invaded his privacy? Would I fuck.
In the OP's case, I'm assuming he hasn't mentioned this friend? Be use that seems more suspicious.

HoneyBadger32 · 13/05/2018 00:28

I think if you have issues this early on, your issue with trust, rather than him chatting to a friend, you should maybe call it a day

gluteustothemaximus · 13/05/2018 00:28

I feel like I’ve stepped into some weird parallel universe.

OP. Those messages don’t sound good. No way would DH be messaging ‘have a nice day, lovely’ with xxx

Only you know how you feel about it and what you want to do.

DH could snoop all he wants on my phone and facebook. Nothing to hide here. Same with him.

Luckily you don’t have children, and it’s only been a year, no marriage etc.

Good luck.

Mybrainisfried · 13/05/2018 00:32

We have been together 9 years with no other major arguments no cheating and an understanding that if either of us felt the relationship was slipping we would talk about it . 9 years and happy thank you for your opinion tho.

bluebell34567 · 13/05/2018 00:32

he has started looking around. why were they separated with exwife?

RomeoBunny · 13/05/2018 00:34

You've only been together a year. So only probanly official for what, 10 months? Walk away. You're too old for bullshit. Don't settle for bullshit.

RomeoBunny · 13/05/2018 00:37

Also yes OP. He is testing the water for your replacement. Guess you're not his cup of tea anymore Flowers

Petitepamplemousse · 13/05/2018 01:09

Honestly the women saying it’s no big deal sound so naive. It’s not necessarily that something is happening but he is definitely looking around. Dickhead.

Swipe left for the next trending thread