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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel my wings are clipped

72 replies

Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 21:59

Just that really. DH and I have been together since we were 28. 42 now. Two DC's who are 7 and 10. I took maternity leave for both and have always worked part time. I am now on 35 hours, the most I have done since they were born.
I love my job. I'm public service, new role leading am important national project that involves international travel and international organisations. I was 15 years in my previous role and I feel the whole world is at my feet. I'm ambitious, want DC's to have lots of opportunistic to learn and grow, want them to see the world. I am British but have lived outside of the UK since I was a teen. Would love to do a year or two back in the UK and show the DC's where I am from. This job would qualify me for some great roles in the UK.
But D H wants none of it. He gets a nasty sneer on whenever I bring it up. He wants things to stay as they are, never move house, never move countries, never extend ourselves. I feel I have to make myself less than I am to keep the peace, at a time when I feel like I have no limits. I feel like a caged bird!
Rant over, sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
LittleMermaidRose · 12/05/2018 22:47

I personally find any sort of changes (unless I've made them) extremely difficult, & perhaps your dh is the same way?

Maybe you could suggest taking a nice holiday back to the UK instead?

Original poster
Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 23:28

The convo has been going on for about three years. He is not even open to a holiday. Just says we are never going back there. I will be in the uk several times a year for work thank goodness, otherwise I would feel completely trapped.

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LooseyInTheSky · 12/05/2018 23:30

Can you take the kids without him? What's his reasoning for refusing a holiday?

Freetodowhatiwant · 12/05/2018 23:30

Yes that sounds awful and like you’re two completely incompatible personalities (not saying LTB!). I would feel restricted too.

Leontine · 12/05/2018 23:32

I think he is BU about not even going on holiday, but isn't about emigrating.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 23:32

Apologies am in full rant mode now! It isn’t just the uk stuff. It is everything. I would like to buy a house in the place I grew up, close to my mum and aunties. Is a 40 min drive from where we are now. Would mean different schools for dcs, would not affect work commute as about equidistant. Again the sneer, again ‘that is never going to happen.’ I have an active social life but end up turning down most invites as the inevitable fighting is not worth it. He wants us at home as a family but weekends are a write off as he drinks heavily fri and sat night and is incapacitated with hangovers sat and sun. I just feel so trapped.

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Original poster
Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 23:35

Ah cross posted while ranting. Has no interest in holiday there, c long and expensive trip given where we are. He knows how strongly I identify with the uk, has always known it, and I feel it is a denial of a v important part of me to tell me I am never going back.

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LooseyInTheSky · 12/05/2018 23:35

You need to talk to him. Tell him what you want, let him articulate what he wants, then you both come to a compromise. If an option that both are ok with cannot be agreed upon, you start thinking about living separate lives.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 23:36

I'd find this marriage too controlling.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 23:37

I think you are right @looseyinthesky. We have discussed it and it ends with him v upset and thinking I will leave him. But at the end of the day I can’t suppress all my hopes and dreams because he doesn’t want to share them.

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Original poster
Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 23:38

@SandyY2K it wasn’t until I found mumsnet that my eyes were opened to this. I feel really held back.

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MayFayner · 12/05/2018 23:40

Your DC are 7 and 10 and he is incapacitated with hangovers every weekend?

I would struggle to have any respect for his opinion let alone allow it to inform the course of my career tbh.

bunbunny · 12/05/2018 23:41

Sounds like he is feeling threatened by your successes...

And who made him boss of the family?!? Why does he get to say not ever going to the uk? Even on holiday?! Sounds like he is scared the dc will like it there too much and want to stay.

Are you in his home country/ country he has a stronger tie to by any chance? I can see if he is comfortable that he might be scared of starting over in a new country but if you marry someone from a different country then you have to know that there’s always a chance the other person is going to want to spend some time there; you can’t say no and be a dictator about it, you need to discuss and compromise; share worries, work out solutions and timescales.

What would he say if you said no to some of his life big plans or even to a holiday suggestion? (I’m assuming that the uk holiday for your suggestion and his suggestion would both be financially viable so no practical reason to say no!)

If he has the power of veto then so do you - start using it just so he realises that you’re not a pushover and that he is in a partnership not a dictatorship!

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 23:43

Is he British? Does he dislike the UK?

I'm wondering if it's just the UK or if he generally doesn't like traveling.

Dragongirl10 · 12/05/2018 23:44

Op the issue is not with just your job is it?

He resents all thet you are and tries to bring you down with him, maybe he feels threatened, but even if he does he shouldn't be so nasty.

The heavy drinking/hangovers whilst preventing you having a social life is nasty and controlling.

Marriage should be about sharing and compromising, but he is offering no compromise or solutions acceptable to both of you , because he is not interested in you being happy . He simply doesn't care.

Sadly l think you are totally incompatible and he sounds horrible to boot. Unless he has some fantastic qualities you have not mentioned l would question why you are with him.

LilQueenie · 12/05/2018 23:46

sounds as if he could lose you anyway. if the pull is strong maybe moving to the uk with the kids is a good idea even if he stays behind. He seems very controlling and is holding you back from living a life.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/05/2018 23:50

The drinking and sulking are the real problems, right?

ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2018 23:58

Actually, start planning to LTB. He's an abusive drunk who thinks he's your owner, not your partner.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:01

Yes, real problems. He denies it is a prob of course.
He does have fantastic qualities but not enough to outweigh the desperate feeling that all my exits have been blocked off. Yes it is just the uk he objects to. The other country he objects to is the USA, where I have strong family ties and could work. I am part Native American and have a strong pull to the USA as well. God this is going to sound completely awful but dh makes fun of my NA heritage (jokes about dream catchers and those awful quote posters you get about ‘only when the land is gone...’ etc. In a joking way but it feels undermining. I spent 15 years working with native peoples where we live and one of my life plans is to learn more about my heritage, don’t even know what tribe I am from. I also want to spend time in Ireland learning the language as have Irish lineage too. Again, zero input from dh. I told you guys I was bursting at the seams with plans! I get how this is threatening to dh but why should I damp myself down?
And yes we are in his home country. To be fair I have spent a good deal of the last 25 years here, but uk will always be home and I have never made a secret of that. Where we are is a bit of a backwater and I want the dcs to see how much there is out there, expand their horizons. Dh does not share my view.
Time for some hard convos and thinking on my end.

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Cawfee · 13/05/2018 00:07

The truth is that he is holding you back. Sneering everytime you talk about plans? How rude and dismissive. You aren’t compatible. Your frustration is boiling over. Why are you still with him? If you separate you can do all of those things that you want. Take the kids wherever you want on holiday.

ToothTrauma · 13/05/2018 00:09

Why are you with this asshole? Get rid.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:10

@cawfee, we have been consumed with raising kids and his family for the past 10 years ( I have a thread about his family over in Relationships). Am just coming out of the fog of little kids and his families demands now, only just feel myself again since having kids IYSWIM. Lots to evaluate.

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/05/2018 00:11

You sound trapped in a marriage. However, relocating to another country sounds like your dream and your dream only.

If it was a good marriage I'd wonder why your ambitions to see the world or return to your home country trump your husband's. It would be turning your children's lives upside down. Have you ever spoken to them about it?

Based on your description of your marriage, I'd advise concentrating on separating first and disrupting the children as little as possible. Anything else can go on hold until you tackle that. Your dh won't change.

You may even find that your attitude towards making a permanent move to the UK changes once you are out of your marriage.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:13

But is he being an arsehole? He is a good provider, good dad all the usual. He just wants less than I do.
Doesn’t mean we won’t go our seperate ways. And I realise I have made him sound a right git on here. It’s just sad that we don’t want the same things.
I could have a comfortable and undemanding life if I settled, but I just can’t! Am more frustrated with myself than anything.

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Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:14

I don’t want a permanent move, just a year or two. I want lots of other things too but HD says no to all of it.

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