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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel my wings are clipped

72 replies

Tattycorum · 12/05/2018 21:59

Just that really. DH and I have been together since we were 28. 42 now. Two DC's who are 7 and 10. I took maternity leave for both and have always worked part time. I am now on 35 hours, the most I have done since they were born.
I love my job. I'm public service, new role leading am important national project that involves international travel and international organisations. I was 15 years in my previous role and I feel the whole world is at my feet. I'm ambitious, want DC's to have lots of opportunistic to learn and grow, want them to see the world. I am British but have lived outside of the UK since I was a teen. Would love to do a year or two back in the UK and show the DC's where I am from. This job would qualify me for some great roles in the UK.
But D H wants none of it. He gets a nasty sneer on whenever I bring it up. He wants things to stay as they are, never move house, never move countries, never extend ourselves. I feel I have to make myself less than I am to keep the peace, at a time when I feel like I have no limits. I feel like a caged bird!
Rant over, sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
Namesallgone18 · 13/05/2018 00:14

I think he is in the wrong but what's with the wanting to live in UK, USA and Ireland? I'd be freaking out if dh wanted to move around so much, how often do you want to move your dcs?

Eastcoastmost · 13/05/2018 00:14

He sounds like an absolute twat, OP. I’d be starting divorce proceedings ASAP.

CFTrollsSmell · 13/05/2018 00:16

Would you be able to leave the country you are in with the kids if you separated?

blaaake · 13/05/2018 00:16

He sounds like a controlling, mean spirited cunt. Not surprised you're in his home country, he won't want to leave that security. Do your DC's have British passports? Could you get dual nationality for them if not? I'd be thinking about taking them away from that horrible man.

Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:17

Because, @Namesall, I want it all. I have a long timeframe for all of this, like the rest of my life, so wouldn’t be chopping and changing the dcs a lot and a lot of it can happen once they are grown and have left home (they would be welcome to join me thoGrin)

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 00:17

So he hates the two places you have ties to? Mmmmm

Original poster
Tattycorum · 13/05/2018 00:17

Yes they can get uk passports. He is great with them, just limits me.

OP posts:
Fuckwithnosensesauce · 13/05/2018 00:18

The bit that strikes me most is that he 'tells' you it's not happening. Tell him to fuck off with the telling!

blaaake · 13/05/2018 00:19

I'd get them UK passports and not tell him.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/05/2018 00:19

You have a real zest for life but how would it be possible to drag your children along on all these adventures to the US, UK and Ireland? Would you take them or leave them with your husband? Or are they at boarding school or something?
This sounds like something you want to do for yourself and might be better by yourself?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/05/2018 00:22

Sorry just seen your update. This is something you're planning when the dc are grown up? I thought it was next year. Sorry I'm being slow!

whiteroseredrose · 13/05/2018 00:24

I can understand his reluctance and confusion. I'm assuming you're in Oz or NZ and met and married your DH there. You've lived there 25 years but say the UK will always be home. But then you've got a pull to the USA and Ireland too. So which do you want to move to, or do you want to try them all? Was travel ever on the cards or is this a new idea?

From his POV he married an English girl but brought up where you are now so presumably thought you'd settle there. That was 'home'. Same as people who immigrate to the UK, we assumed that here is home after so many years. You've changed the goal posts. Refusing a holiday is a bit much. I'd not be keen myself until they were a bit older then fine.

blue25 · 13/05/2018 00:24

You only live once and someone who truly loves and wants the best for you will make compromises to ensure your happiness. He sounds controlling and unpleasant. He's unlikely to change, so I think you need to get an exit plan together so you can begin to live the rest of your life.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/05/2018 00:25

How were things earlier in your relationship? Surely he knew who you are and what you are like when you got together? Did he make his desire for homely stasis clear then?

I don't understand how he can object to a holiday. Unless he really is controlling.

His drinking sounds like a huge problem.

Namesallgone18 · 13/05/2018 00:27

Your plans sound a bit airy fairy,
I would start with the bigger problem of his drinking.
Book a holiday and see if he wants to come - do it without him if not.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/05/2018 00:31

He is a git. He drinks, takes the piss out of you, thinks he's your owner, thinks that his wishes outweigh yours and that what you want doesn't matter, because it's all just silly woman-nonsense.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/05/2018 00:32

I agree the marriage sounds like the problem and you'd be better channeling your energy into an exit plan as blue says.

I'm struggling to comprehend your plans otherwise. They seem erratic, you say nothing can stop you, the world's at your feet, you want to fly like a bird. It all sounds slightly like a manic episode? Confused Is this feeling that you have no limits a new thing?

willsa · 13/05/2018 00:40

...so you are 42 with two children and now you start wanting to travel all over the world on some kind of research "gap years". You will have to give up your job and get a new one? Will your husband have to give up his job? Give up security and stability which ( as you say ) you currently have?
You have rights to your dreams but by no means is your husband a cunt as some of the posters have said. He's sensible, probably very worried about your future. He doesn't want a holiday in UK as he wants to avoid you going on and on about a permanent move.

If you'd have posted about your husband wanting to all of a sudden to root up your life and "go see the world" then the responses would have been very different....

Try and get away on extended holidays. By yourself.
You are asking a lot of others.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/05/2018 00:47

But I have an active social life but end up turning down most invites as the inevitable fighting is not worth it. What does this mean? Fighting over what?

He doesn't want to go with you? Doesn't want to loook after the DCs while you go? Thinks you should all be together all the time (but what about weekday evenings when they're in bed?)? Or wants you not to have friends?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/05/2018 00:47

This is such a difficult dilemma. I had similar, with Ex who would not contemplate any move. My career was funding us as the main earner, and we were struggling. It doesn’t end when you split up, he might not agree to you relocating? Sorry not much help.

I do have sympathy, the one who likes to stay in one place has a bit of a trump card, especially with kids. Your best bet is to get him to agree to some kind of compromise.

MinnyMountain · 13/05/2018 00:54

Your DC's are only 7 & 10. Those plans you have may be more doable in 10 years time.

willsa · 13/05/2018 00:59

..and I understand some of your feelings. I have lived in a few countries in my lifetime ( often an absolutely spontaneous decision ) and am preparing to emigrate permanently to the continent from UK. BUT this time I have a child, a long-standing marriage, a house and it all matters. Left to me, I would have been gone yesterday. It's just not how it works.
There has been finance planning, pension-pot inspections, mulling over of several options, property price projections, home improvements, projected incomes for different locations, health insurance considerations, new language introductions, still trying to get my head round on how to get my child into a mainstream school where he doesn't speak the language. All of this is still ongoing. It's stressful. There have been arguments, tears and tantrums.

Even after lots of compromise my husband still can't join me and DS as we emigrate for another 2 years. Because he has commitments, certain financial security he wants to finish earning ( because he has already spent 25 years doing so and would be mad to abandon before the finishing line ). So it will be a long distance relationship for a good while.

It's just not what it was when I was in my 20's - one suitcase, a list of job-sites and a winning smile.

TheOriginalEmu · 13/05/2018 01:05

what he wants isn't less. thats extremely condescending. he wants different things to you, sure. but thats not less. travel is not for everyone and what you see as an adventure, lots of people would see as a hassle.
I'm not saying you are wrong to want to do these things, and i do think his drinking etc is not great. nor is sneering at you.
has this need to travel always been something you've talked about, or has it suddenly been sprung on him, because if thats the case, you can't really blame him for being confused that someone who seemed settled has all these big ideas. travelling which children isn't an easy thing.
I think the trouble seems to be that you are very different people, with different wants and that might be irreconcilable.

GnotherGnu · 13/05/2018 01:16

What makes him an arsehole is the drinking every weekend and stopping you having a social life. If he's incapacitated most of the weekend, it sounds a bit as if he's checking out of family life anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2018 01:23

He doesn't want a holiday in UK as he wants to avoid you going on and on about a permanent move.

WTAF?

He is denying his DW the opportunity to show her children her country and the country of her ancestors. For a holiday! I live in DH's home country and there is no way on earth I would describe him stopping me take DD home as anything other than wrong.

Where you live and moving countries is another matter. I love doing it. DH doesn't. I accepted this when we got married and settled. But he considered moving to the UK. Because he's not an arsehole. Thank goodness I decided against (Brexit!) but he considered it. Because he loves me.

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