Trying to be everything to everyone and falling short?

[Muse84]

I think I just need a slap

Ds1 is 6 months. EBF and won't take bottle so I'm already quite tied to him.

Just came back from a social gathering (flying solo as DH away) and I'm physically and mentally exhausted.

Overriding everything is a desire to make sure ds is happy and content. I'm much more of an attachment style parent than I ever thought i'd be and if I'm being honest here, I was a harsh, unfair critic of friends who were (silently). It's awful, but it was tied up in feelings of abandonment from great friends (oh the selfishness of childlessness!) and also because I am a very no nonsense pragmatic person, so I basically decided that I was going to be that kind of parent. I would still be the same, go out, leave him with family cause he's going to be so independent etc. Etc, Ha. I was the best parent before I was actually a parent.

So feelings I am currently consumed with:

• I held ds1 too much and everyone there thought it. He should be more independent (this arose when kind people offer to hold him for me. I did pass him over to people but he was massively overtired and wouldn't last long). Whenever someone offers to take him when he's crying I'm paranoid they see how stressed I am. And therefore a bad mother or at least one who hasn't got her shit together.

• ds is a physically active live wire, I love it but it's exhausting.... I am concerned that everyone thinks he's a real handful, perhaps one I've created due to my over attentive parenting style. (I know this is insane, he's a little baby). Some women at the end even remarked on how good he was!!!

• I have no chat now other than baby stuff.

• I couldn't fully catch up with everyone due to being distracted by ds. I found that very stressful, especially as sleep deprivation takes away my words.

• I make jokes to friends I know about parenting being crap (think unmumsy mum type thing), then I get paranoid they think I hate being a mum (I love it). I worry i overstate the bad things, also to provide balance to those "my baby sleeps through/is so "good" type of statements done people make

• I'm simultaneously worried ds isn't socialised enough (he really is) and also that he's socialised TOO much (sensory overload st busy hectic daytime party).

• sadness at leaving the get together early - I miss my old social life and also relief at being home with my beautiful boy.

I think it boils down to worrying people will think badly of me (she's so stressed, she's too tied down by her baby, no fun anymore, she's creating a little monster, she needs to leave him at home more) and also worried I'm doing it all wrong (parenting!) and that my son isn't happy.

God help me

As a result of today's stress I had no food except for breakfast (it was a BBQ!) very little water, and by the time I was home this evening I was shaking a little!

I should balance by saying I don't have pnd and I have a fantastic husband, friends, support network. I just want to stop feeling so judged (and I'm sure I'm not! It's just I was so judgy before) and above all I want to do right by my son. Such a whirlwind of emotions!

Aibu, do I just need a slap?!

No you do not need a slap.

having a baby is a massive change in your life. The hormones are still pumping full on, 'baby brain', sleep deprivation, change in social status - the whole shebang.

Sounds a very standard situation for a Mum of a 6 month old - are you doing enough, are you doing too much, what are people thinking about me, etc etc.
So people only thought you were holding your DS 'too much' as they wanted a cuddle. They weren't thinking about what was best for him. That's your job and if you want to hold him, hold him.
The only things you need are some food, some fluids and a good night's sleep. You can sort the first 2 and I'll cross my fingers for you for the sleep.
You're fine - honestly

thank you so much! Your lovely reply has genuinely grounded me and made me feel like I'm slightly less insane

Oh love, your baby is only tiny still. You do not need a slap. You need to lie down with your baby and sleep. He’s small. He primarily needs you and your milk and cuddles. He need to hear your voice and smell you. He is small. He doesn’t need socialising. I ebf ‘d 5 children and all of them are very happy, well-adjusted people. My youngest is still bf as a toddler and is very social and confident. Don’t worry. Really don’t. It’s ok to find out that you are parenting differently to how you imagined. Very few people find it the same. I have been heavily criticised by some people for all sorts of things- using a sling, going back to work, having a glass of wine, breastfeeding beyond 6 months, the list goes on. It’ll be ok. Parent your way. You can’t be all things to all people, but you are all things to your son right now and that’s ok.

Hi OP. Honestly, you're doing fine.

I have to say your description of how you thought you'd parent vs how you actually parent really resonates with me. I am quite similar - thought I'd be no nonsense, baby would sleep in his cot, I'd still go out...reality is I breastfeed, co-sleep still and DS is 11mo, I can count on one hand the number of times he has slept in his cot, he has NEVER slept through, I have been out precisely 3 times since he was born for not longer than 3 hours at a time....if you'd told me this would be my life a year ago, I'd have laughed! But that's what's happened and honestly I wouldn't change it now.

Your baby sounds healthy and happy, you sound like you are doing a great job so stop beating yourself up! Take care of yourself.

Stop overthinking and enjoy your lo. You don't need acceptance from anyone. I was the exact same as you and it wore me down.
I hated and still do when other people try to calm my children down, it's really not any else place and it just makes matters worse!
So what all you do is talk about babies and?! They're fascinating and amazing. Why be self conscious about talking about baby things, you're a mum, being a mum is your job it's understandable it's what you talk about!
Just relax and enjoy it, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone!

Sometimes I felt like I could burst into tears during social events because I felt conflicted with wanting to speak and catch up with people and being mum and keeping an eye out for babies. What I found was the people who matter and I wanted to spoke to found a way to speak to me and didn't mind having to tel me the same thing 30thoussnd times. Admittedly most of these people were also parents so have been in the same position!

Thanks everybody. You're all very wise. It's true, nothing matters more than him (as long as I'm ok and taking time to be a happy mummy). I need to shut out the inner worrier and critic otherwise I'll lose precious time worrying instead of enjoying

You don't need a slap. You need some food, something to drink and to go to bed!

You aren't thinking things that a millions mums with small babies haven't thought before... it's all totally normal. It sounds like you are following your instincts but you need to learn to trust that your instincts are right. They are! You know your baby better than anyone and it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job. I'm sure no one is thinking anything other than that, and if they are they're wrong!

Stop finding fault with yourself.Your child is a baby,he doesnt need to socialise yet.
Do take care of yourself though,especially hydration.
Talk to friends in real life,if you have them,especially other mums.Tell them how you feel(be prepared to listen back)they can be amazing support.
Enjoy some nice walks with your baby as the weather gets warmer and you will both benefit and most of all enjoy him.

You can’t hold a 6 month old too much. Hold him as much as you can.

Oh Op. I was like you first time round. Are you a perfectionist perchance? Sounds like you might be. It makes parenting really hard. Is it your first child? Such a big change. Especially for those of us highly educated who are used to being able to keep control of everything at work and to get all the right “answers” if we only research hard enough... try and relax. You’re fine. Be confident in your choices. You’re more earth mother than you thought you might be - so what? That’s good. You’re honouring your instincts. I’ve discovered a whole other side to myself since I became a mum - an earthy, physical, emotional, feeling, messy, squishy but wise side which is soooo far removed from the no-nonsense intellectual professional that I used to be 100%. I’m not saying you’re the same but maybe some of it resonates? It’s ok to change and change takes time. Allow yourself to be distracted and consumed by your DS - it’s an intense time and nothing compares to it. And now cuddle in and settle down for the night. Days out take a lot out of you both. Take time to recover.

And think about the negative thoughts you’re having about yourself - I say that gently- you sound so critical and to say things like “do I need a slap?” is so harsh... cut yourself some slack. Nurture yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it. Mothers are awesome strong and loving women.

Just noticed what you said about not eating and drinking. Beware. You need to prioritise that. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others - you need to satisfy your basic needs. Maslow’s pyramid. You will collapse if you don’t. Let others hold your baby while you eat and drink. If there is no one with you then try to prioritise eating and drinking when baby is playing or resting. Fill up a bottle / jug in morning with water and sip from it through the day. Let baby cry for a short time if need be. It’s ok to ignore baby a little bit if you need to take care of your own needs eg food/loo/water. You are important. Kids are resilient.

It makes parenting really hard. Is it your first child? Such a big change. Especially for those of us highly educated who are used to being able to keep control of everything at work and to get all the right “answers” if we only research hard enough...

Really?!

Yes wonky, really... what’s the issue? I was told at school and uni that I could get the answer to any issue by researching it and thinking about it - which didn’t work with a tiny baby! Have I said sth amiss?

Being able to socialise when you have children is a skill and you have to learn how to have conversations in 30 second spurts while simultaneously warching a toddler, planning how to feed a baby or stopping a LO from ‘borrowing’ the hostesses flowers etc. It doesnt just come upon you one day, you get there little by little and it helps to have friends that are also trying to so the same thing. You will get there and in the mean time please be patient with yourself, just like you are patient with your LO while he is learning about the world around him

You're highly educated I'm sure you'll figure out what you said.

OP.... I’ve been there. Exactly there. Word of warning- that whirl of overthinking, for me, (and I must stress I had pre-existing (well managed) what is known as “pure O” OCD) culminated in a godawful year of post natal anxiety.

I too ebf, attachment parented, was adamant before baby that babies slot into your life, not vice versa...

In short- be kind to yourself. Don’t let this spiral of anxious thinking become your default setting. Get therapy if you can afford it (I think ALL new parents should get therapy if they can- the upheaval in your life is massive) - and let me leave you with this..... nobody is thinking as much about your baby/ your mothering/ your parenting style/ your presence/ your comportment - as you are. And nobody decent is judging you.

PM me if you would like to talk about PNA, or pure O OCD if there’s more going on than you’ve let on in this post.

And congrats on your baby - 6 months is a lovely time [

Erm, yeah, sorry , I’m not going to apologise for being highly educated.

You're not as smart as think, if you think that's what I'm getting at

Oh also- missing your old life? Absolutely fine. Not always loving every moment of your new one? Also fine.

I think I was grieving for a while for my “old life”. I went from TV executive, party girl, soho bar stumbling, 6 holidays a year.... to being the single mother of an unexpected (but beloved and much much wanted) baby, no career (had been freelance), friends still living the old high life, I moved into a cottage in my home village 300 miles away blah blah blah. And yes, taboo as it is, I grieved and mourned for my old life, and the old me. As much as I love my Dd, and this new reality, it doesn’t change that I loved the old one too.

And it is all, everything you said on that note, absolutely fine to feel.

You're overthinking this all far too much!

On a side note, have you tried a doidy cup with some expressed milk in? Your DS may or may not be willing to take some milk from a cup so you may be able to get a bit of extra sleep.

Not sure why wonky is so offended , i was under the impression that being highly educated increases the likelihood of anxiety/PND but I couldn’t quote chapter and verse on it offhand

I didn’t make it through the whole post but I just wanted to say that while you are in the all consuming baby phase, you forget it’s just that, a phase. You won’t have a baby for long, so it’s ok to be consumed by it.
And second you mentioned how other people see you and what they think quite a lot. It doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t. They can silently judge you,or even Moan about your behaviour for 8 hours a day, and it will have zero effect on you.

Bring a first time Mum is so so overwhelming and absolutely nothing can prepare you for it
There’s no handbook or specific things to do and timelines to do them in, so it’s just impossible to know if you’re doing it right
But you’re worrying whether you’re doing it right whilst putting yourself last - so you are 100% a good Mum, that’s all there is to it really
Slow down, enjoy the cuddles, the gurgling, the breastfeeding just stop all the pressure and enjoy it all, time goes way too fast
You’re fine OP

wonky what are you on about?