Weird situation with my mum

[causeimunderyourspell]

Just wanted to see what you all thought of this situation which has left me not sure how to proceed with my mum so here goes, I'll try to keep it short.

So my DC are 2 & 3, and up until recently, I had been going to visit my mum with DC every Friday. I lived in the same town and did this for a good 2 years solid. It became a routine so I almost felt I had to 'call in sick' if one of the girls was ill as it became expected that we'd visit every Friday. Fair enough, it's only polite to let people know.

Back in Feb we moved to the next town over, about a 40 minute bus ride away. I don't drive, neither does my mum. We've had quite a few problems with our house since we moved, and as Friday is my day off, a lot of the repairs/appointments (plus occasionally helping someone out with chidcare) were scheduled for Friday's. Every time this happened I'd phone my mum to let her know we couldn't make it and why but would still have a catch up on the phone.

The last few weeks have been manic at home and work so I haven't phoned her and it's occurred to me that A) she's not once phoned me to just generally see how we are/ if we will be round. B) she's not once been to my house despite the fact it would be much easier for her to get the bus than me with 2 small children who won't go in a pram. My sister also mentioned she was moaning she didn't see enough of the dc, yet has done nothing to change this other than expect me to go to her as she has the last 2 years.

I've kind of reached a bit of a weird point now where I can't be bothered if she's going to make zero effort plus spending money on bus fares that I can't really afford. I feel a bit childish and guilty thinking like this but I can't help it. She feels sorry for herself and just expects everyone else to make all the effort but I think I'm getting to appoint in my life where I really can't be arsed with people like that, family or not.

As an aside, she also started to get really cheeky when I was going round, with list of little jobs she wanted me to do while I was there like clip her dogs claws, box dye her hair, read her meters etc. She's not elderly or disabled in anyway, she's 49 and fine!! She also is a bit of a fake nanny, going on to her friends at work how she's got all this lovely nursery furniture but wouldn't ever have them overnight despite me asking her twice, both in situations where I really needed her to.

Thanks if you read all of that! Aibu and what would you do in this situation?

Bloody hell I paragraphed that!! How can I edit that?!

YANBU. She doesn’t want to do any of the work involved in maintaining a relationship.

Maybe invite her round to yours “to see the new place”? As a bit of a test

I would specifically and regularly invite her to come to you as you are unable to go to her...

She's not been to visit you and that says it all. It sounds like she can' t be bothered to make the effort. Keep your Friday for you as you are a busy mum and need this time to get things done when you are not out at your job. Let her take the bus and come and help you.

Mine do this. It’s odd. Promising or discussing visits (eg. the coast). Then not doing it. I think they feel they ought to offer something but can’t really be bothered when it comes down to it. As a result, neither can you. I’m not sure of the way out of it.

You must feel a little let down, I think I would. I wouldn't say anything at first though, I would just ask her round to yours, regularly. Explain that it would be easier for you if perhaps you both alternated who was visiting who. That way she will still see you are making the effort to visit her. If she continually refuses to come to your house then speak to her about it. Tell her how you feel.

Yeah I do feel let down to be honest. She has ALWAYS expected others to do the running for her, but I thought it might change with grandkids and at least making the effort for them. But no, if I don't call I just won't hear from her at all apparently!

As we've gone a few weeks without talking at all now, I just feel really awkward and annoyed really. Childishly I just think should I leave it and see if she contacts me?! I just think my kids deserve better really. I don't see why I should be the one to 'provide' the relationship to her grandkids. I know with 100% certainty that she will not get the bus to come and see us. I'd put a grand on it!

She’s 49?? She acting like a little old lady! I’m 45 (my kids are only 7 and 9 though!), I don’t think I’ll be like that in 4 years!

Yanbu
My mother lives in another country and I visit her twice a year, the last time I had full blown flu and sobbed down the phone the night before saying I couldn't face it, but she gave me so much guilt I still made the very long journey. She's visited me once in the 20 years I've been left home and wouldn't dream of doing it again.
Your mother isn't being fair. Invite her over and see what she says/does!

Wow. She's cast herself in the role of Little old granny already? She's younger than me and I'm still bringing up my kids - managing to read my own meters etc.

I know how you feel. I often feel that if other people don't put any effort it, then why should? But at the same time it does feel petty

I think that generally it's beneficial to have grandparents in children's lives, unless of course there's issues that would be detrimental to the children. So I would try to encourage a relationship between her and your DC as long as there's no serious background issues with her. I honestly know how hard it is when parents just seem like they can't be bothered, but I still try and encourage a positive relationship no matter how much it pains me. I try to think of it as beneficial for the children rather than the grandparent

I think she has got used to you running around after her and visiting her. The lack if effort must hurt, not to mention the moaning to your sister. I agree with the others, issue an invitation - invite her round on a specific date. See how that pans out.

Maybe she is waiting for an invite. Perhaps try inviting her over to see the house, kids etc. Some people don’t like visiting without an invite.

Maybe also drop in conversation that you haven’t heard from her recently. Is. Subtly hint that she hasn’t contacted you.

I guess is none of the suggestions work, and you want to maintain a relationship, you will have to be the stronger Person, and to make the phonecall.

Ps. I. Thought she was going to be a lot older than 49! Some people are becoming mothers are that age!

I hear you. My mother is like this, has been for several years. Last November I had it out with her as we'd only seen her a handful of times so far that year and apparently it's my fault as I exclude her! Yet she couldn't make the time to see DS on his birthday or any other occasion that year. Had an improvement in December but only because I instigated meeting up.
So far this year I have seen her for all of 5 minutes and can count on one hand how many phone conversations we've had. It's going to make my Grandad's funeral a bit awkward next week!

I've decided to just let her get on with how she's decided she now wants our relationship to be as nothing I said last year seems to have registered with her! At the end of the day it is her lose not my DC's as they have three other sets of grandparents who are involved with them.

Sorry that was so long, it felt good to write it down. as it does make you feel like shit at times.

@startingtheengine sounds so similar to my situation mine also have 2 other sets of gps so I'm fairly sure they get all the benefit of gps in their life from them. I think what irks me more with my mum is the fact that she acts like the doting granny but couldn't be any further from it!!

Perhaps I should invite her then and at least I've tried. At least then she can't say I never have.

@Petalflowers I know! With her it's not that she's not capable, she is just so used to getting others to do her crap work for her that she just expects them to. She plays dumb but it's like surely you can just copy some numbers off a machine or whack a box dye on your head like everyone else manages to?? My MIL is 67 and does absolutely everything for herself (and others!!) with no complaint. My step mum is also 49 and is like a machine, I know we're all different but my mum definitely plays one her 'oh poor me on my own' routine.

How would you word a text to say basically, sorry I've not been round been really busy but I've not heard from you? Can't really afford bus but shall I explain which bus and where do you can come here type thing?

Yanbu, She should be making the effort too.

She's 49?!!! I was expecting you to say she was on her 70s!
She's very selfish. You have a busy working life and 2 young DC. Why the hell is she asking YOU to do jobs for her? She needs to come over to you if she wants to see more of you!

Tell her that you're not 'coping' with the travel/work/childcare & invite her round each Friday. If she says no, then bad luck her. You'll see her when she can make it.

Definitely invite her, she may be pining for an invite.

However, it's a bit odd not to be helping you more when she's only in her 40s, I am 43 with a toddler and my mum drives 2 hours to help me sometimes! She never asks me for help.

'Hi Mum, Things are really busy here at the moment and I'm finding the travel each week too much with X & X in tow.
Lots going on at the house with appointments etc. As you know.
I'd love to see you each Friday as usual and it would be great if you could make it to me instead.
Let me know if you can come this week or next & which bus you'll be on! I'll get lunch ready.
Talk soon X'

YADNBU! Your mum sounds just like mine, but my Dad is also a bit like it and they behave like an elderly couple now. Since grandchildren have arrived, it's like they instantly think they are old and it's frankly just embarrassing. Mine are in their 50s.

They have life long friends who are such amazing people and have been so supportive over the years but they can't even be arsed with them anymore either. Going to the pub once in a blue moon is "too tiring". They never invite anymore and just expect everyone else to invite them. They even expect lifts to things

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but fully sympathise with you!

I sympathise OP, my dad is like this and he's only early fifties! Moved in to our house a year ago and he's still not visited. Before that he came to our old house twice in the four years we lived there, it was always me to visit him. Last I seen him was my wedding in September. I am very much done making the effort as much as I love him, there is nothing stopping him from visiting us once in a while. He also moans he doesn't see my DS enough. I'm pregnant with his second grandchild and he's text me once to see how I am, not even a phone call.
I'd invite your mum round if I was you, and keep telling her she's welcome to visit each Friday as you can't make it to her for the foreseeable. It should not always be up to you if she's perfectly capable of coming to you. You'll know where you stand if she doesn't take up an invite.

@InspMorse that's great, thank you so I've just edited slightly and sent this
Hi Mum, Things are really busy here at the moment and I've not managed to make it over on the bus to xxx at all, money + 2 little people who won't go in a pram or hold my hand! Haven't heard from you so just checking all was well?
Lots going on at the house with appointments etc. as you know.
I'd love to see you each Friday as usual though and you're more than welcome to come here if I tell you what bus to get and where it picks up?
Let me know if you can come this week or next & we can sort out a time? Talk soon x