Weird situation with my mum

[causeimunderyourspell]

Just wanted to see what you all thought of this situation which has left me not sure how to proceed with my mum so here goes, I'll try to keep it short.

So my DC are 2 & 3, and up until recently, I had been going to visit my mum with DC every Friday. I lived in the same town and did this for a good 2 years solid. It became a routine so I almost felt I had to 'call in sick' if one of the girls was ill as it became expected that we'd visit every Friday. Fair enough, it's only polite to let people know.

Back in Feb we moved to the next town over, about a 40 minute bus ride away. I don't drive, neither does my mum. We've had quite a few problems with our house since we moved, and as Friday is my day off, a lot of the repairs/appointments (plus occasionally helping someone out with chidcare) were scheduled for Friday's. Every time this happened I'd phone my mum to let her know we couldn't make it and why but would still have a catch up on the phone.

The last few weeks have been manic at home and work so I haven't phoned her and it's occurred to me that A) she's not once phoned me to just generally see how we are/ if we will be round. B) she's not once been to my house despite the fact it would be much easier for her to get the bus than me with 2 small children who won't go in a pram. My sister also mentioned she was moaning she didn't see enough of the dc, yet has done nothing to change this other than expect me to go to her as she has the last 2 years.

I've kind of reached a bit of a weird point now where I can't be bothered if she's going to make zero effort plus spending money on bus fares that I can't really afford. I feel a bit childish and guilty thinking like this but I can't help it. She feels sorry for herself and just expects everyone else to make all the effort but I think I'm getting to appoint in my life where I really can't be arsed with people like that, family or not.

As an aside, she also started to get really cheeky when I was going round, with list of little jobs she wanted me to do while I was there like clip her dogs claws, box dye her hair, read her meters etc. She's not elderly or disabled in anyway, she's 49 and fine!! She also is a bit of a fake nanny, going on to her friends at work how she's got all this lovely nursery furniture but wouldn't ever have them overnight despite me asking her twice, both in situations where I really needed her to.

Thanks if you read all of that! Aibu and what would you do in this situation?

If she still won't come (I know she won't) then at least I've done my part and can stop feeling guilty!

She's the same age as me, almost. I can't imagine ever being like that.

You've made the effort. If she does the 'poor me, on my own' act just be blunt and point out that she make zero effort and what does she expect.

I definitely agree that she may be waiting for an invitation. Hope the text gets a result?

My parents are much older than that, but I realised a few years ago (after feeling like I did most of the effort) that they can feel worried and overthink calling me at busy times/suggesting plans in case I can’t fit them in. So they leave it to me as they think it’s easier for me that way (it’s actually not!). But they’re not being lazy or standoffish.

I have a bit of a similar situation with my Mum, but she is in her 80s

I always have to be the one to phone her, visit her etc. Although she's elderly, she's super fit and active. My sister made me send a card to invite her to mine for her birthday this year, and to my surprise, she said yes. Mind, she said yes to my sister, she obvs can't be arsed to phone me 

@causeimunderyourspell I think you've done the right thing, your mum really needs someone to do a bit of plain talking to her.

Well, no response to my text whatsoever. She doesn't work or do anything on sundays, so it's pretty much a 'no I don't want to, but don't want to say that so I'll just ignore it' kind of thing I'd imagine.

I also text my sister to see what she thought, she has the exact same problem as I do. She seems to take it in her stride though and leave her to it whereas I fret about it! Anyway, she agreed with all of you that I've done my best, I've invited her and the ball is in her court. She agreed there is no chance our mum would come to mine though (unless my brother gave her a lift perhaps, which would be at some point in a weekend as he works M-F) as it would be too much like hard work!

So just as I'd hit post on that last update, she phoned and said - "thanks for the message. I felt our fridays have been robbed since you moved and I don't like change. You know what I'm like, I went into a mood" so I asked what she was going to do then and she said she didn't know as she doesn't like getting the bus and feeling out of her comfort zone. I mean for crying out loud she is a GROWN woman!!

Anyway I said well it's what I've always had to do as I don't drive, and she needs to do the same. She's not said whether she will or she won't. Just left it hanging in the air really.

Out of her comfort zone? Does she work etc? I assume she doesn't have crippling agoraphobia or anything similar?!

I think you've done all you can really, she should be coming over to yours at least half the time, if not more given the difficulties you have getting all three of you over there.

Lovely message OP (if I do say so myself ) You have invited her over so leave the ball in her court now.
If she doesn't want to come, make an arrangement for you to go when things are less hectic.
Your message has broken the 'every Friday' routine/expectation. Well done!

Oh goodness I'm older than your mum!

I can't imagine not doing the travelling to someone with young kids tbh-unless the parent particularly wanted to get out of the house & do the journey.

she said she didn't know as she doesn't like getting the bus and feeling out of her comfort zone. I mean for crying out loud she is a GROWN woman!!
I'm about the same age as your mum (can read my own meters though) & I'd struggle to get a bus and to go somewhere different. Admittedly I have autism but don't just assume that because you can do something everyone else should automatically be capable too. Different people have different struggles. At least she's told you what the problem is - can't you try and sort a solution with her so she can manage? Help her work out which bus she'd need, where she'd need to get on, where you'd meet her etc. I know I'm biased because I have to struggle along and have no-one to help me, but if she means anything to you then why not try and help? It's not like you have to do anything except look up buses and provide reassurance...

@Nikephorus just coming back to this thread as it's Friday, and saw your post. Honestly, I offered to get her absolute exact details, write down landmarks for her so she knew where she was plus meet her at the bus stop. I even said I'd stay on the phone with her the whole way if she wanted.

I can see how it might seem like I'm not helping her but seriously, she is and always has been a CF and has always always taken advantage of people. She won't even make an effort for my brother who lives around the corner. It just seems like she can't be bothered with people.

I can't accept 'it's not in my comfort zone'. I suffer with GAD so I know how hard it can be to do certain things sometimes. But I would always at least try. She's straight in with the excuses before you can even finish your sentence.

Lo and behold, not heard from her this week to say what she had decided and no sign of her today.

49!! Omg she's only a year older than me and I have a 5 year old.

Shuffles off muttering about being old enough to be someone's granny and have adult children.....

My mum's like this too. She also lives a long long way away; she left my dad when I was a teen and moved to be with her new chap, now my stepdad, so we rarely see each other. A few years ago I stopped ringing her to see if she'd call me; at the three month mark (!) I mentioned it to my grandpa (her dad). She then called me to yell at me not to tell fibs and claimed we'd been speaking regularly

It's no better now there's grandkids either. I frequently get guilt trip treatment from both her and my stepdad that we should visit them more. But they're both retired and well off, I'm skint and a single parent with a full time job, and driving seven hours to stay in their freezing, filthy and uncomfortable house isn't something I can do more than a couple of times a year; and, despite many many invitations, she apparently doesn't want to do it either (even though my house is lovely ) as she's not been to stay for.... I dunno, 2 years?!

It's their loss at the end of the day. My mum has lovely grandkids and they barely know her. If I thought I'd have the same relationship with my son that I have with my own mother I don't think I'd have even had a child. If I were you I'd carry on with your life and if she wants to see you, she can contact you. And if she doesn't, well, that's really sad, but we can't change them, sadly.

Your completely justified to think the way you are. It can be so disappointing when you realise your own parents can't be bothered putting in effort. I cant imagine ever stopping being bothered with my kids. Ever. But it happens. I rarely see my mum as she simply cant be bothered and prioritises other things. My dad and wife have never babysat my kids and my mum does very reluctantly and makes any and every excuse not to see them.

It used to get me down but now I just feel like its their loss. They won't be small forever and then the opportunity is gone for them.