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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepchildren and stepgrandparents

31 replies

Mirrorwriting · 12/05/2018 18:05

Do you think step grandparents should have a relationship with a step grandchild and treat them exactly the same as blood relations?
What about if they are older children?

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 12/05/2018 18:10

'ShOuld have to' is OTT. But 'should be cordial' yes. It'd be nice to be included on the birthday/Christmas lists and on family outings, but it isn't something anyone can enforce.

Singlenotsingle · 12/05/2018 18:12

Depends. Do the step grandchildren have loving grandparents of their own?

Osopolar · 12/05/2018 18:12

I would say yes as I am extremely close to my step grandparents (and just refer to them as my grandparents) but perhaps the key thing is that I am their only grandchild so I have a bit of a skewed view.

SluttyButty · 12/05/2018 18:13

My in laws treat my children the same as their blood grandchild. Always included and always given Christmas/ birthday gifts.

Amanduh · 12/05/2018 18:13

Relationship yes. Nice yes. The same... no

Osopolar · 12/05/2018 18:16

If I had step grandchildren I would spend the exact same on presents etc for them as for any biological grandchildren. I do think to spend different amounts would be wrong.

HoHoHoHo · 12/05/2018 18:21

I think it depends on when they became step-grandparents. I can imagine it's different if they met the step-children as infants and helped bring them up to if they met the step-children as adults who already had children.

Do you think adult children should help their step-parents and step-grandparents out in old age as much as they do their parents and grandparents?

KC225 · 12/05/2018 18:22

No - not if the other grandparents are involved. The should sensitive, and kind but I don't believe they have to be treated like blood family, when they have their own family.

MrsFloraPoste · 12/05/2018 18:24

As a PP has said; it depends on the age and involvement of the children and grandchildren. But as a general rule; divorce is not the children’s fault, and it’s nicer to be treated as one of the family. At the end of the day, the more people that love and support a child the better.

EllenJanethickerknickers · 12/05/2018 18:25

There are 2 different sorts as well.

  1. Ones own step parents relationship with ones DC
  2. Ones own parents relationship with ones step children.

I would guess 1) would depend on your relationship with your step parents and 2) your parents relationship with your partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2018 18:26

My stepmum treats my step children as if I was her daughter and they were my children. I don’t really get the distinction some people insist on. My DSC have handfuls of grandparents with steps on both sides. The more love to go around the better. None of the step relationships threaten any of the blood relationships. We also have a couple of people who’ve been adopted within our family which might be why everyone just accepts family is what you make it.

JosephineBucket · 12/05/2018 18:26

I think it partly depends on the relationship with the step-parent - stepdad has been my dad since I was 8 and he treats my children and his biological grandchildren the same. He brought all 3 home from the hospital and they adore him. His parents, however, made it very clear we were nothing to them and I despise them to this day.

NewYearNewMe18 · 12/05/2018 18:26

a relationship with a step grandchild and treat them exactly the same as blood relations?

Interesting. That kind of depends who the RP is. If the children live with your child and new partner and you see them as often as you see your own GCs, then yes you would have broadly the same relationship.

If they live with the other parent and you see them rarely once or twice a year, then you aren't going to have the same relationship.

With regard to presents, yes, broadly.

Inheritance? no way!

Osopolar · 12/05/2018 18:30

Forgot to mention that DH's stepdad treats DS as his own grandchild despite having a biological grandchild as well. I think it's wonderful if children have loads of people who love them.

Fuckthetodolist · 12/05/2018 18:32

My DC have step grandparents that treat them exactly the same, and my nieces and nephews by marriage see my children as cousins.

I would be the same as a grandparent. A child of the family is a child of the family

MsAwesomeDragon · 12/05/2018 18:35

Well mil has a much more involved relationship with her step grandchildren than she does with her one biological grandchild. That's because dh's step sister has more need of support than we do, and mil is currently the most stable adult in their lives.

Fil also is much more involved in his step grandchildren lives (different step grandchildren). He has met dd once (she's 8!), he babysits least once a week for his step daughter's children.

My parents included my sister's partner's son in family events, bought Christmas and birthday presents, etc but didn't have the same relationship with him that they have with their biological grandchildren. They are quite glad about that as now my sister and her partner have split up they have nothing to do with him (obviously) and would have been heartbroken if they'd had a closer relationship.

feelinggoodinspring · 12/05/2018 18:36

I don't think they should have to treat them exactly 100% the same. Eg my parents bought my dc their first bike but we bought dsc's. If it comes to a school trip or a hobby my parents will offer to pay towards it but we pay all of dsc's trips and hobbies. Things like that. Days out with grandparents, dsc isn't left behind but if she is with her mum then they still go ahead on days out. Tonight they are at a sleepover at my parents' but dsc is at her mum's this weekend. If she was here she would have gone too.
When it comes to Christmas and Easter they are all treated the same.

Original poster
Mirrorwriting · 12/05/2018 18:39

I know of someone who married with a 7 year old and her dp’s parents ignore her child but pamper his sister’s children. They say he has his own grandparents and he’s a ‘Smith’ not a ‘Jones’.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 12/05/2018 18:40

I'd be interested to know why you're asking OP? My DD has multiple sets of loving grandparents- my parents, her dad's dad and his wife, his dad's mum and her husband, dad'sgirlfriend's parents and has got to know my DPs dad in the last few months. He doesn't have other grandkids so spoils her rotten and think he would even if he had blood grandkids. It's never occurred to me like other posters have said that this is unfair on her blood grandparents. Am I being unreasonable? I just think she's lucky so many ppl love her

saiya06 · 12/05/2018 18:49

Anyone not saying "it depends" is being silly.

For e.g. let's say you have a couple who marry when their children are adults and the grandchildren are older. The families don't really blend and aren't close. If they have no real contact or relationship with their step grandchildren, are they really required to buy them the exact same gifts as grandchildren they are close to?

HagSeed · 12/05/2018 18:49

I'm not allowed to see mine because I'm not 'blood'. Their loss.

WhiskeySourpuss · 12/05/2018 18:58

My stepmum treats my kids the same as her biological grandchildren - but her parents made it very clear that there was a difference between us & the younger three when we were kids & my stepmum has been around since I was 2!

My stepdad had a very close relationship with my girls & it was obvious they were his favourites (DS was born after he passed away) even though he had 7 biological grandchildren & 5 other step grandchildren mine were the only ones he saw every day & we moved in with my parents after my divorce.

My brother is in a relationship with a woman who has 2 kids & they've been accepted into the fold by my mum & the rest of the family - but her family wouldn't buy his kids so much as a sweetie Hmm

DS's step grandparents are amazing with him but they don't have any grandchildren of their own, although there is now one on the way but I don't see the relationship he has with them being affected.

& although not technically any sort of official relationship DD's paternal grandparents are great with DS & he goes on days out with them & the girls during school holidays.

All my step/half siblings are aunts/uncles to my kids as I am to theirs & great aunt to the new generation.

But as you can tell my family is a bit weird with eleventy billion different bits to make it up Blush

Gottagetmoving · 12/05/2018 19:14

I have a step grandson. He was six years old when my son met his mum. Of course at first, he was just her son and we liked him, but we grew really fond of him and are very close now.
I'm not really sure that it's exactly the same as my relationship with my biological grandchildren but he is treated the same. He calls me by my first name, not Gran or Nan because he has a paternal grandmother and I don't think my daughter in law wants him to call me Gran because her own mother died when her son was 8. I'm allowed to send him birthday and Christmas cards with 'Grandson' on them though! 😁

Menime · 12/05/2018 19:16

My step-grandfather is the only one I have. He's been around since before I was even more and I didn't even find out he wasn't a blood relation until early teens.

One of my cousin's is a step-cousin, step-grandchild to my grandparents... He's never been treated any differently but then he was very young when he came into the family and it blended well.

My daughter also has a step-grandfather on her father's side. Her daddy doesn't get on well with his step-father and doesn't consider him family at all, but he loves the bones off our daughter and it's not like she will know any different, he'll always have been there.

Menime · 12/05/2018 19:20

I also have cousins that aren't blood related or related through marriage - their mum dated my blood uncle and had a baby with him, then they broke up, but we still see her and call her Auntie, still refer to the two kids she had before the relationship as my cousins. Legally and biologically we are completely unrelated though. My grandparents don't treat them any different my - in fact the auntie usually gets called their "daughter-in-law" even though she never married their son.