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Original poster

To ask how to handle being obsessed with my Boss?

40 replies

Glovesick · 12/05/2018 15:59

I have fancied my boss for 12 years. At first it was just a mild crush, then my marriage went down the tubes (for absolutely unrelated reasons). Boss was kind to me during this time, e.g. allowing me flex time to cope with being a single mum etc He has helped others in similar ways when they have had personal issues. But for whatever reason I have ended up working closer with him than others, mainly because I have certain skills (e.g. I speak Russian) that are necessary for a lot of the work. He does work with others just as much but the Russian stuff is seen as a bit "special". This in itself has caused what I see as jealousy from co-workers who think I am sucking up to him to get promotion (which I am not).

The hard bit for me is that I have bit by bit fallen deeper and deeper I love with him. He has a partner. We get on really well as friends. I know he likes me but he has never ever tried anything on or even hinted at anything untoward.

I now obsess about him. Can't get through the day without thinking of him, imagining what it would be like together, dreaming of intimate situations etx I pine for him when he is out of the office.

So, 1. He has a partner 2. He is my boss (head of dept) in a hierarchical prof services job. Therefore I know rationally it is a really really bad idea. I am close to promotion which he would support on merit so I wouldn't want that to be tainted.

But I STILL Can't stop obsessing about him. I just love him so much and want to tell him and ride off into the sunshine. How can I stop these totally unrealistic and silly thoughts? Wwyd? Leaving job is not an option nor is an internal move. I need to stop loving him!!

OP posts:
Wobblebumbum · 12/05/2018 16:01

Reader, I married him.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 16:01

Imagine him having a big shit and leaving skid marks in your lovely clean loo.
Bearing in mind you are a Mner and aren't allowed a loo brush...
Will leave you with that thought op.

StVincent · 12/05/2018 16:04

Think about what has changed in your life that your manageable feelings for him are now unmanageable. Are you bored? Upset about something else?

IME if you're quite an emotional person (I am) things like this grow to fit the mental space available. Distract distract distract is the answer. Date elsewhere? Have you? See more of friends? Get involved in work projects that stretch you but don't involve him (so you're not relying on him to make you feel "special").

AmazingPostVoices · 12/05/2018 16:05

You need to leave your job.

SerenDippitty · 12/05/2018 16:06

The thing is you don’t really know him. You only know him through work, you don’t know what he is like at home. You’re not in love, you’re infatuated.

Singlenotsingle · 12/05/2018 16:09

You are in potentially what could be a very dangerous situation. You could lose your job if you let him, his wife or anybody else know about this. Take up a hobby or something. He hasn't shown any interest in you, so at the very least it could be embarrassing. There are all sorts of slogans to fit this - don't mix work and pleasure; don't shit on your own doorstep...

ScreamingValenta · 12/05/2018 16:11

You need to stop yourself thinking about him. It's difficult, but every time he comes into your thoughts, make yourself think about anything else - and keep doing it until it becomes a habit.

As far as you can, avoid unnecessary contact with him at work. Steer conversations away from anything that isn't strictly work-related.

You can overcome this, and it's likely that once you have, you will start to wonder what you ever saw in him and look back on your infatuation in bafflement.

SomeKnobend · 12/05/2018 16:13

Get the promotion first, then deal with your issues. Don't potentially fuck up your career for a crush that's waited 12 years already.
Will he still be your boss once you have the promotion? If not, see how things are then, lots may have changed, either about the partner or about your feelings etc. Cross that bridge when you come to it OP.

Mariaaaaa · 12/05/2018 16:26

This doesn't help in the slightest - I was the same. Although my boss was single and snapped first - we've been together a while now, marriage is on the cards. He's very senior to me, would be a complete disaster workwise if we split up - I wouldn't ever lose my job (civil service) but it would be immensely awkward and our situation isn't one I would ever actively wish for again..

We probably spend far too much time together - if we marry, which is looking likely - I will attempt to transfer to even a different floor..being ten feet away from him ten hours a day and then spending life outside work is tough

It's not all roses though - work behaviour and outside behaviour are extremely different. He's nicer more relaxed outside work, and that was actually difficult to adapt to - I thought I knew him from work, when he's truly a different creature altogether

Now for the advice thing: you will not get over him while you're constantly with him. So what are you gonna do about it? Either live in a fantasy world, or put some distance between you so you can emotionally disengage? It's like getting over an ex - you need to stop contact

Either transfer/new job - do not hold your life back for something that probably won't ever happen

Charolais · 12/05/2018 16:42

Meet his wife.

LittlePaintBox · 12/05/2018 16:42

Even though this is a one-sided crush, you need to break it off with him to stand some chance of getting over him. So go for the promotion ASAP if it would remove you from working closely with him, or try to work up an interest in someone more attainable, or work on meeting a few more available men.

I think a work crush can be a fun thing if it doesn’t get out of hand, but it sounds like this is replacing real-life relationships, and you realise it’s damaging you.

I wonder if some cognitive behavioural therapy might help you to think about him differently? This is sometimes available via the GP, or if you can afford it there will be counsellors locally who you could work with.

lindyhopy · 12/05/2018 16:46

Join a dating site and meet someone available that you can actually fall in love with.

Original poster
Glovesick · 12/05/2018 16:56

Problem is that I either work or look after DC. No family close. When rarely DC (3) is at a friend I shop/do housework/work.

I have signed up to dating sites but am too nervous and worried about not knowing who I am meeting. Could be a psycho. My exH was!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Glovesick · 12/05/2018 16:57

I am just so sick of him filling up my head ALL the timr

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 12/05/2018 17:03

You are building up a fantasy of him in your head which in all probability the reality would not live up to. You do need to get out of that work environment if at all possible.

UserV · 12/05/2018 17:11

@Aprilmightbemynewname

Imagine him having a big shit and leaving skid marks in your lovely clean loo.

Bearing in mind you are a Mner and aren't allowed a loo brush...

Will leave you with that thought op.

Wrong thread?!! Confused

Re the OP, get a new job, and move on..... 12 years to have a crush is a bit sad sorry...

VladmirsPoutine · 12/05/2018 17:15

A 12 year crush means that something else is wrong. That isn't healthy.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 17:21

Not wrong thread, just trying to rip him from the pedestal op has him on!

ScreamingValenta · 12/05/2018 17:26

I am just so sick of him filling up my head ALL the time

So you need to displace him. Do something else, think of something else. Read an absorbing book, watch a film, find a box set to watch, do an activity with your DC.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 12/05/2018 17:36

Yeah 12 years is a loooooong crush. I too think you need to get the promotion & maybe look at moving on. He isn't available so get over it & look for someone that is.

helenvelyn · 12/05/2018 17:40

OP I think some posters are getting carried away... it doesn't sound like this is mutual especially if nothing has happened after 12 years. I actually think you need to make a big effort to go on other dates. Sounds like you don't often meet other men and this might be why you're so infatuated with this man. A fling with someone else, even if they're unsuitable in the long term, might be a good distraction and show you that other men are out there.

purplelila2 · 12/05/2018 17:41

OP he's taken he's never suggested anything untoward. it's not healthy.

SmashedMug · 12/05/2018 17:41

Problem is that I either work or look after DC. No family close. When rarely DC (3) is at a friend I shop/do housework/work.

It's probably less about him and more about you having nobody else. You've created a fantasy connection with him because you've got no one else to think about. You need to make your life more full with hobbies and socialising. Once you do you'll look back on this as a time of insanity.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2018 17:44

If you've no time for a relationship, there's little point in the obsession.

Maybe an online LDR will meet your emotional needs.

Shadow666 · 12/05/2018 17:45

I agree. It sounds more like you are unhappy with your life and he has been kind to you. As such, you are obsessing over this fantasy you have over him to fill the void and loneliness.

Maybe it’s time to try dating again?