To ask how to handle being obsessed with my Boss?

[Glovesick]

I have fancied my boss for 12 years. At first it was just a mild crush, then my marriage went down the tubes (for absolutely unrelated reasons). Boss was kind to me during this time, e.g. allowing me flex time to cope with being a single mum etc He has helped others in similar ways when they have had personal issues. But for whatever reason I have ended up working closer with him than others, mainly because I have certain skills (e.g. I speak Russian) that are necessary for a lot of the work. He does work with others just as much but the Russian stuff is seen as a bit "special". This in itself has caused what I see as jealousy from co-workers who think I am sucking up to him to get promotion (which I am not).

The hard bit for me is that I have bit by bit fallen deeper and deeper I love with him. He has a partner. We get on really well as friends. I know he likes me but he has never ever tried anything on or even hinted at anything untoward.

I now obsess about him. Can't get through the day without thinking of him, imagining what it would be like together, dreaming of intimate situations etx I pine for him when he is out of the office.

So, 1. He has a partner 2. He is my boss (head of dept) in a hierarchical prof services job. Therefore I know rationally it is a really really bad idea. I am close to promotion which he would support on merit so I wouldn't want that to be tainted.

But I STILL Can't stop obsessing about him. I just love him so much and want to tell him and ride off into the sunshine. How can I stop these totally unrealistic and silly thoughts? Wwyd? Leaving job is not an option nor is an internal move. I need to stop loving him!!

Just to let you know that he always leaves some toilet roll on his foreskin after using the loo and when he finds it again it is all crusty. He then eats it.

If that doesn't work nothing will.

TER that is simply vile & should deffo work - not envy.

OP research limerence and how to overcome it. Read as much as you can on the subject, there are a couple of good books on Amazon. Unfortunately step 1 is to create distance between you and you can’t do that so it will take longer, but you will get over this.

TER that is simply vile & should deffo work

It worked on me on a crush 25 years ago. Thank you Karen.

This is not love, it is infatuation. It is not real and points to there being a significant void or dissatisfaction in other areas of your life.

You say moving on to a new, or different, job is not possible. Of course it is...you just don’t want to because you would have to face up to a future without him in your life.

One thing I would say is that you need to be careful that your infatuation isn’t apparent to those around you (I suspect it already is). I worked with a woman who displayed all the signs of being infatuated with her manager. It was quite embarrassing.

Be honest with yourself. You are not going to be able to move forwards in your life or your relationships while you work with him. There is a risk that subconsciously you are ‘waiting’ for him. Don’t wait. Move on without him. Don’t be stuck any more.

1. He has entered your mind because there is a space for him.

Can you fill the space with something/someone else?

Fill your life with more 'available' people instead: dates for lunch, coffee, OLD, new interests, hobbies, even old friends - reconnect if you can. Anything that stops you thinking of him!

1. Make him less 'available' to you. The vile comment above is sort of on the right lines. Give him clay feet. Your mind has glorified him, but he is simply human and normal. Make him less desirable to you - either think of some negatives, or increase activity for point 1. so that point 2. is easier.

1. Your point about the Russian is interesting. You like being made to feel special. Can you find other ways of 'feeling special' by other people? Maybe use your skill on some other project/in a different club/hobby?

Good luck! It will take work but you will look back on this.

12 years is a long time to have a crush on someone; I don’t know what I would do, but I do know it would drive me insane.

The vile mental images are working a tiny bit so that's good!!

Thanks for all the helpful comments. Hard to see from the outside for me.
I really really can't move jobs. It is the only place of work that is commutable from my house and childcare/school and I can't afford to move house.

Promotion will help and distract I suppose, as I will be running my own team then.

@sprayingmonsters rd it IS driving me insane

Glovesick

I can imagine 🤗

You have posted about the exact same issue before op.

No I haven't posted before but if you can find the thread I would like to read it.

It’s not unusual for someone else to post something very similar.

Many people have crushes on their bosses.

Remind yourself, that say he does leave his partner to be with you, then he's not a nice guy after all. 99.999% chance is the guy in your head is the fantasy version of him, not the real him.

My DH had a colleague who was obsessed with him and told him so even though she knew I was with him. Like your boss, DH was always nice to her. He felt sorry for her and told her nothing was going to happen.

Don't ruin your work relationship, 12 years is a long, long time to be in love with a fantasy, it's time to cut loose and give someone else a chance into your heart.

Thanks threejoeys. The first couple of years it was just a pretty harmless fantasy that occasionally popped into my head. It is "only" the last 2 to 3 years that it has become uncontrollable at times and for the last couple if months has become an "every waking moment" obsession.