Kids stealing food - AIBU

[LolaLouise]

Long time lurker, first time poster, please be gentle!

Ive posted this else where and was met with some very mixed replies, im wondering your thoughts.

I have 3 children, 15, 11, and 9, and im having issues with my eldest stealing food. My other two never take more than what is allowed by the house hold rules. He is given 3 meals per day. Every day. There are always snack foods available to him some fruits, cereal, toast, sandwiches, a few snacky bits, cake bars and such, theres also stuff in the freezer he can cook if he really wanted to but he never does, and other "crap" foods teens like as they are easy, supernoodles etc. He can take these as often as he wishes but not while m standing there cooking a meal. We have fizzy drinks available but these are limited to one glass per day, theres always cordial, hot drinks if he wants them, milk too. At the weekend he is given money to buy his lunch where he wishes and any snacks he wants. I also, one night a week let all three have a treat. So that could be a tub of ben a jerrys sized ice cream, which i encourage them to eat over the week, rather than in one go, or a bag of popcorn, what they want within reason. They lead active outdoorsy lifestyles. My 15 year old is always on the skate park, he will skate to the next city over with friends at the weekend to go to a better skatepark. None are over weight or unhealthy, they get lots of balanced freshly made meals - my partner is a chef so most is cooked from scratch. He has lots of freedom, lots of options with what he eats etc.

The only restrictions based on food are - i buy lunch box foods on a weekend for the entire week. I buy what we need, so one item of each thing for each child. So there'll be 15 of each items there in a tub that is just for lunches. All three children are aware what is for lunches and that this is off limits. Any extra, are placed into a different tub in the cupboard - these are allowed to be eaten though there arent many in there, its often empty as i try to buy pretty much what we need, as they are getting one per day. Its specifically food in one tub ive counted out though that is off limits. - Food that belongs to another person. So if one child eats all their ice cream, and another has half left, that ice cream is theres. - Food that is gifts, so easter eggs, selection boxes, birthday treats, party bag sweets etc etc. If that food was gifted to a child, its theres, not a free for all. They are the only restrictions.

My 15 year old takes EVERYTHING, his siblings easter eggs, he took 10 extra lunchbox items - in fact the reason i buy only what we need is because once over 40 chocolate biscuits went missing in 3 days and id bought a load whilst on offer. Any time theres ice cream. He doesnt just sneak a few, he will take whole boxes, he took an unopened pack of matchmakers his sibling got for christmas. Literally, anything and everything, he will take, with no consideration for who it belongs to. He takes it in the middle of the night when sleeping, or, on occasions i have to leave to drop the other two at primary before he leaves and he will take it them.

I have made food available for him, foods he has specifically asked for and chosen. I understand he is a teen and gets ravenous easily. But if this were hunger related, he would be reaching for a mixing bowl sized portion of cereal, not a cake bar. If its about sweet stuff, theres always nutella for toast or sandwiches, or again, cereal, to get the sugar fix. Its just, imo, greed. I punish him for it. Grounding generally as is life is skating, but removal of consoles, internet, extra jobs have all been tried. Ive spoken to him, at length, about why he takes them, and i just get met with i dont know, i cant help it, i try not to but i cant stop it. Hes even been in counselling for his impulsive behaviours but he wont participate so its pointless. Ive cried at him, i have been unemployed and money has been tight, when he took all the lunch stuff i literally couldnt replace them that week, i told him this, i was upfront and honest with him, and the next day he took more.

I dont think im being strict, i think giving him open access to snack type foods in the house, with a few restrictions, is pretty fair. Ive tried everything i can think of, but im just being told he is rebelling against tight rules, but i dont see how my rules are restrictive. Im not starving him, im not limiting his intake of food, i give him choice, i give him money to buy extra. Foods are of all kinds, they dont have he same boring meals every night, once a week he has his favourite pepperoni pizza. If he misses a meal time due to wanting to go out his tea is left to be reheated or when he gets home - though i do insist he is home for other meals where everyone is in.

Do you agree i have caused these issues by being controlling?

Does he steal food from shops? No?, then he isn’t starving and he can control his behaviour.

I’d put locks on the fridge and cupboards and let him know it’s because of his selfish behaviour. Put out three meals and two snacks a day and be done with it.

He's being a git. Would he pay more attention if your DH told him off? Sadly teenage boys often respond better to their Dad.

You do have an awful lot of food rules though OP. Maybe try and loosen up a bit.

Generally I'm a 'be relaxed' type, but taking the food for school lunches would grate, especially if you're not uptight about snacking etc (like a recent poster lol).

The stealing would piss me off most though, it's so unfair on the younger kids, and I'd focus on that to be honest. He's not got any diagnosed issues and as a PP said he's not stealing from shops, so yes, I'd resort to locking stuff up.

TinklyLittleLaugh - His "dad" hasnt had contact for 18 months so unfortunately that isnt an option. (The taking food and other items started well before his dad and i even separated, never mind him stopping contact) My partner has only been around my kids for the past 12 months and i feel its still too soon for him to discipline them, esp the 15 years old.

Im not certain he doesnt steal from shops. He has never been caught and ive never seen evidence of him having something in his room that i havent seen before. But i couldnt hand on heart say he hadnt with his history of constantly stealing from family. In the past it has been money, when he first started highschool. However, he hasnt stolen cash in recent years.

A counsellor said he has ASD tendencies, he struggles with a lot of information and cant process it, 2 or 3 instructions he copes absolutely fine with, beyond that and he can have a melt down. He was referred on a few years back, but as it doesnt effect education, no formal diagnoses was made and he was seen for an hour. He gets SEN in school due to severe dyslexia, so i think it was just seen as pointless as he already gets that . So I just have the opinion of a child counsellor, not a diagnoses.

Theres only three rules. Dont take gifts, dont take someone elses leftover "treats", dont take food specifically bought another time.

So maybe it's a theft issue and not just a theft of food/greed issue? You're right that it's not about hunger. Locks will solve the immediate problem of food disappearing, but there may be a deeper mental/emotional wellbeing issue that needs addressing.

Lock the stuff up! Locks on all fridge/freezers and cupboards. I would say he has prader Willi, but it can't be that as he isn't fat. There must be something wrong there though.

I don't mean this to sound like a criticism, but that's quite a long OP [I do understand you're trying to be clear and not drip feed], and it all sounds like quite a lot of stuff - tubs for this and that, etc.

My only thought is that you sound like you're treating your 3 DC the same, yet there's a massive difference between a 15yr old and a 9 yr old.

Maybe think about that?

As for taking things that actually belong to someone else. That's easy - he replaces them. End of. And if he won't, take it out of his allowance or out of the money you give him for extra.

Okay, but having "Be nice" as a rule would cover everything surely? Taking your other kids' stuff is about more than the food.

My dd 16 is like this. She will find treats no matter where I flipping hide them!
Also steals her sisters treats too Easter eggs, trick or treat sweets.
My boys were the same.
Makes me furious.
I think it's a teen thing as it's far too much trouble to make some noodles or pop in some toast.
I've not got the answer. I buy less and less now and just try to hide more efficiently!

Just put a lock on one of the cupboards.

I cant lock the fridge or freezer though as there times he is left home alone while we are working now. I cant leave him without access to stuff as that will escalate the problem more.

This definitely doesn't sound like "normal" quantities. Could he have an eating disorder?

Why can’t you leave out a snack for him?

This isn't actually stealing IMO and you seem to have a lot of rules.

I think they just eat compulsively.
I just got back and dd had made frigging pancakes while a lasange cooks away in the sodding oven

"A counsellor said he has ASD tendencies, he struggles with a lot of information and cant process it, 2 or 3 instructions"

Do you agree? Do you think that simplifying what food he can take (eg his stuff all in one marked box) would help?

Do you agree i have caused these issues by being controlling?

It depends a bit on who says it. Is that a professional opinion? Or just people on the internet?

I don't think there's anything wrong with your rules in general but if he has impulse issues and autistic tendencies then it's a whole other ballgame. If he can't hold many instructions in his head at once then your rules and tubs and who is allowed to eat what - which make perfect sense to every one else - may really be too complicated for him - especially under the pressure of "yummy snacks... yummy snacks... yummy snacks..."

One possible point with autistic tendencies is that he may not find interesting and varied food rewarding in quite the same way that you and the others do. One of the lovely things about all those packaged lunchbox snacks for him may be that they are very predictable. It's total sweetie comfort right there, when he wants. (And with no effort which will appeal to the 15 year old in him)

I do think your ice cream system needs to be changed, given your DS's poor impulse control and his half-diagnosed issues. Could you buy a tub big enough for one helping each, they eat it all at one sitting, done and dusted? If any is left it's open season. I understand it's not perfect but spreading it out over the week and expecting him not to eat everyone else's might just be too much.

And can you have just one tub with stuff that can't be eaten, and keep it well hidden/locked/away whatever? Maybe in the car boot if he can't get at the keys? Maybe stop buying lunchbox treats that need refrigeration. Maybe have one lockable cupboard in the kitchen?

It sounds as if you need to manage this food issue for him because he just doesn't have the self control to manage it for himself. And punishments don't seem to be giving him self control.

As I was reading the OP I thought 'this sounds just like DD'. She has ASD so it was very interesting to read your subsequent post. Her psychologist explained to me that with kids on the spectrum what they know and what they feel about something are often out of sync. She knows she shouldn't steal but she doesn't feel it. Yet. It comes with maturity and autistic children can just take a lot longer to mature in this way.

DD finally stopped when she was around 19. She hasn't done it now for 6 years.

He has open access to sandwiches cereal toast etc etc in case his meals arent enough for him. I get that he is going to be hungry at that age which is why there is always more food available to him - food of his choosing - that he can have without question.

When i say its open to everyone i mean within reason. My 9 year old cant use the oven unsupervised or make a hot drink, but if she wants a jam sandwich or biscuit she can make that. There are difference in the rules between kids.

Leaving a snack for him make no difference. Even offering him toast or cereal at 9-9.30 so he doesnt go to bed hungry makes no difference.

If food belongs to someone else or i have specifically stood in front of him and said this is fir lunch boxes or this is for dinner tonights then it is stealing imo. It belongs to someone else and has been made very clear to him.

Its 3 rules and 2 tubs in the cupboard. Its not complicated and i know he understands the difference otherwise he wouldnt hide evidence.

I do think there is something to the ASD suggestion. And i do think his lack of impulse control can be connected to this. This is why i made the rules really simple. All items that are given for easter christmas etc are labelled clearly with the childs name - they all have very different names and are written in different colours too. The two tubs are very different colours so he can easily see the difference. I made it very simple to help him understand.

The ice cream yeah buying a family treat would solve the issue of him taking it. But, i have two other children who are already growing to resent their older brother. Hes taken easter gifts, birthday present etc. One won a competition and school and he took the prize. Slices of birthday cake from a friends party etc. They have seen him take so much stuff. If i say to them we are just getting one tub of ice cream for everyone - which cant be chocolate as one doesnt like it - its just another thing they are losing. I have considered taking them out for sundaes instead. But then i dont want my eldest to feel ostracised.

I honestly just dont know how to help him, i dont want to lock stuff up. My working hours means his access will be restricted a lot if i have to lock up the fridge and freezer etc. I have reduced what i keep in massively that my younger two already miss out. Its finding that balance between giving my other two the responsibility they've proven they can deal with, whilst finding a way to help him manage his impulses.

Could you buy plenty of the lunchbox stuff instead of some of the other snacks you have in so he can snack on them at home as well?