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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anxiety as New mum to playground politics

32 replies

Mamafox1 · 11/05/2018 21:41

This is my first time on Mumsnet, but I would really appreciate some advice as some of the mums in the playground I have allowed to make me feel awful - My son is top of his class and the youngest in the year, he is happy at school but I find the school politics horrendous - Some mothers look straight through me, others say hello one minute then not the next day - there is one who gossips and not to be trusted yet my son is friends with him. I dread the playground - I know I should be stronger and ignore it as it is so childish but it makes me feel sick to my stomach the competitiveness, the weird cliques, I am there for my son but it is taking its toll - my partner drops and picks up when he can - can you get people to collect and drop your children off as thinking that may be better - at a loss of what to do - can anyone advise me please?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 11/05/2018 21:46

others say hello one minute then not the next day

This is just the weirdest thing isn't it?! It totally confuses me! Sorry, no advice really. I tend to keep my head down and stay aloof...super friendly and smiley if anyone bothers to talk to me though

welshmist · 11/05/2018 21:48

Are we talking primary or secondary schools here?

minionsrule · 11/05/2018 21:50

My advice would be to make one friend, just one. Invite his best friend round and befriend the mum... at this age mums tend to hang around on play dates for a bit. Easier to single people out than make friends at the gate

welshmist · 11/05/2018 21:51

Play dates are a good way to make friends. And nice for the children as well.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/05/2018 21:52

Tbh I think you're just going to have to pull your big girl pants up and get on with it. Don't engage and don't be drawn into these sort of politics. Life is far too stressful wrangling children, jobs, family etc to be ruminating about Bob's mum ignoring you.

Jamsandwhichandgrapes · 11/05/2018 21:54

I try to say hello to everyone. But with 2 classes in the year thats nearly 60 parents. So i tend to just say hello to whoever u ebd up standing with. I wouldnt read too much into it. Imagine saying hello to 60 people everyday. Sometimes theres someone right in front if me and i havent seen them becayse im watching for my ither child who has run off to play whikst i am waiting for the other child to be let out of class. So thet may just not be paying attention.

Just smile and make small talk and you will make some friends in the end

QueenUnicorn · 11/05/2018 22:03

I think a lot of these politics are in the mind.
I sometimes say hello to someone one day and not the next, usually because I'm zoned out and not really thinking about greeting everyone. Sometimes I stand and chat with others, I wouldn't consider myself in a clique. I talk to whoever talks to me and it may vary from day to day. I accept all playdates and would never deliberately exclude someone.

I know a few people who think the same way as you OP and they have a fair few anxieties that may skew their judgement.

UterusUterusGhali · 11/05/2018 22:06

My oldest is 16 so I've had years of school gate experience and I can confirm the hot/cold thing is a thing.

I honestly think it's that they are feeling as awkward as you and wondering if you're on "hello" terms or what.

I find social interaction excruciating tbh so I might overthink things, but I've learned not to take it to heart. Sometimes you're late for work. Sometimes you're having home issues on your mind. Sometimes you're in a bubble and focused so don't notice other parents. And we're all like this.

If you can have a pub meet-up it tends to sort the cliques quickly.

Yes to play dates. Although I find it hard to invite over.
Jobs tend to give people a common ground too.

Please don't let it get to you. If I knew a fellow parent at my DC's school was feeling this way I'd be more friendly but I'm normally dashing.

Quartz2208 · 11/05/2018 22:09

I agree its easy to take this personally that arent

I blanked a good friend of mine this morning after drop off as I was focused on getting out of the playground and dashing to the station to get my train - because of that I had tunnel vision.

This afternoon another mum walked past me (I was watching my older child play in the field) and she stopped to say sorry I walked past I was not paying attention

And cliques or groups of people who know each other are to be expected - at work there is a group who lunch, go for coffee and out to the pub together - they are friends, 10 years ago before I had kids and went PT I did the same. Its not personal they spend time together they get on, they are friends

Bobstars · 11/05/2018 22:10

Hi my mother in law had a very similar problem with mothers in my nephews class she tried just getting on with it but It just made things more difficult for her and the kids started picking up on it.
At the end of it she asked me and my husband to do the school runs the school allowed it after us being verified due to there being an issue in which they found unnecessary but were unable to help with a solution. My advice would be speak with the teachers.
Hope this helps

Allthebubbles · 11/05/2018 22:15

I say hello to lots of people but in a big school I tend to talk to whoever I'm standing next to for the five minutes of wait time. I suppose I might seem inconsistent but I'm not. I'd say just keep smiling at people. I also know some people who while friendly are just rubbish at faces, one of my closer friends still has no idea who most people's parents are after three yrs.
I'd try not to read too much into it.

Chottie · 11/05/2018 22:16

This sounds absolutely awful - please don't take it to heart. Some people are just like that in all areas of their lives. It's their problem, not yours.

In your shoes, I would be bright and breezy, with a nod and smile for everyone. You are there to collect your son, so just do that and get on with the rest of your life....... :)

CheeseCrumpet · 11/05/2018 22:25

I'm in my first year of school drop offs too. I tend to stand with the same group of people who arrive around the same time as us. I say hello or good morning etc. I don't know any of their names but talk to the kids and chip into conversations.
I have had a play date with one of the mums as the kids get along. We WhatsApp occasionally but I don't feel like I have to bee line to her every morning. I'm usually trying to keep an eye on three kids so I be as polite as I can be whilst exceptionally distracted

Ploppymoodypants · 11/05/2018 22:26

Everything QueenUnicorn said.

autumnleaf1 · 11/05/2018 22:31

Why don't you get to know more people, then if someone isn't talking to you, there'll be others to chat to? Join the PTA for example, or arrange some play dates.

I really think a lot of this is in your head. I can never remember faces, and don't say hello to people I've previously chatted to because i can't remember what they look like!
Also most people are on a mission to collect all their children and go home, they're just not looking at the other parents.
It could also be that some people find small talk hard work, so if they dont know you well enough to say something interesting, its easier to say nothing.

Don't take it personally, use it as an opportunity to get chatting to new people.

MotherofDinosaurs · 11/05/2018 22:32

You are letting anxiety skew your judgement here. People are busy/zoned out/thinking about other stuff/on autopilot sometimes. They're just going about their business and haven't 'seen' you. I float about in my own room irks sometimes and would hate for any one to think I was 'blanking' them on purpose. Also 'cliques' are just groups of friends who know each other. Their friendly interactions are literally nothing to do with you and are not designed to exclude or hurt you.

MotherofDinosaurs · 11/05/2018 22:33

In my own world. Stupid autocorrect

Choosegopse · 11/05/2018 22:35

Most schools organise social activities or have a PTA or something. Why not get involved?

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 11/05/2018 22:40

People know each other. That doesn't make them a "clique". Do you really think that everyone has to say "hello" to everyone they see in the playground every day. You're taking it way too personally. They are probably not thinking about you at all. What is the difference between "gossiping" and exchanging news?

I agree with the others to invite one or two children over and if your child is young invite the parent over too. Suggest going to the park with another parent and the children after school.

Perhaps you could see your GP about your anxiety levels. This really doesn't need to be so difficult.

Tertiathethird · 11/05/2018 22:43

I agree with others that people are distracted / busy / in a rush / really tired and very little is deliberate. I’ve got 3 classes of parents to nod to and say hi to and I’d hate to think that I’m offending anyone because I’m frankly frazzled. I can’t remember everything. Don’t take it personally if you can

Echobelly · 11/05/2018 22:48

My theory is that most people are not thinking of me one way or the other. I'm not at the school that often, though, so I'm not surprised if people don't speak to me first, and I'm initially shy, so I'm not surprised if some just think I'm a bit standoffish or something, but I don't worry myself about it. But obviously it's all easier to cope with when you're not their often.

I agree with the poster who said that people knowing each other doesn't mean a clique - it's relatively rare the person who is sensitive and skilled enough to bring a new person into a group, so groups of friends are unlikely to be closed to you because they don't like you, just because welcoming someone in can be tricky.

I started inviting kids over via our class email/whatsapp list and got to know some parents a bit that way. After 6 years at the school we only have a few parent friends, but it's enough. I have barely and inkling of any politics or what anyone thinks of anyone else, and I don't let myself worry about what's going on with people, you don't have to engage with any of that stuff if you're not comfortable with it.

BackforGood · 11/05/2018 22:50

I think a lot of these politics are in the mind
I totally agree with this ^

My oldest is 16 so I've had years of school gate experience and I can confirm the hot/cold thing is a thing.

but disagree with this (and my youngest) is 16, so I can add a few more years, Uterus .

As pps have said, people in the playground are just like people everywhere - someone will have something on their mind, someone will be worrying about this that or the other, someone will be looking out for a certain person they need to speak t for some reason, someone else will be waiting for a medical test result, someone will be late for work, someone won't have slept last night, someone will have been bereaved, etc.,etc.,etc. No-one is 'blanking you' because they don't say hello - they are just preoccupied or distracted.
Most people are there to drop / pick up their dc as part of a busy day. They haven't gone to the playground to make friends or meet new people.
I suggest you try to stand in the same place, and just smile at people. If someone s near you, make light conversation - about the weather or something innocuous. It's just passing the time of day, not date night at the local singles bar.

the fact you are suggesting avoiding taking or collecting your hid from school says a lot about your social anxiety, not about other parents.

Fatted · 11/05/2018 22:52

Honestly, I don't speak to other parents on the school drop off and pick up. It's my kids who go there, not me. I'm not there to make friends. I'm usually there with DS2 trying to stop him throwing himself off the climbing frame so don't have chance for idle chit chat. I usually say a quick 'Alright' to some of my neighbours and that's about it.

sirfredfredgeorge · 11/05/2018 22:54

People are dropping their kids at school, it is not the cocktail party you seem to think the social conventions should be translated from. It's not, it's a tube or a bus stop, where you might make some brief small talk, but mostly you're just getting the task done.

Sometimes, not surprisingly, friends kids go to the same school, they may talk more, just like the friends standing at the bus-stop, but that does not mean they are excluding you - it is not a cocktail party.

FissionChips · 11/05/2018 23:01

You’re imagining it, people are just going about their day.

Stop acting the like a primary child.

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