to expect my Mum to check in on me occasionally and phone or text me?

[papayasareyum]

She lives over 200 miles away but we visit fairly often (she rarely comes here)
When we speak during the week, it’s because I phone her. She never ever phones me. Ever. I never go more than a few days without a phone call to her, but after a week, she’ll act huffy and passive agressive because I’ve left it so long. But she wouldn’t dream of calling me. Or just sending a text. My siblings call her daily and live round the corner from her, so I expect I’m the black sheep, considered odd because I phone when I have something to say. Aibu to think she could put a bit of effort in and call once in a blue moon? Do your parents/ mums phone you?

Watching with interest.
This could be me that had written this.

YANBU. My mum’s similar OP and it does bug me a bit. She’d never text me to see how I am and it’s down to me to arrange seeing her.

It’s bizarre isn’t it? I just can’t imagine ever being like that with my children.

Maybe she is concerned if she phones she is "bothering" you or you are busy and relies on you phoning when you arent as her schedule isnt as full as yours?

I’m always around, I work from home. I’m always asking her to phone. She never does.

YANBU. It might be because you're younger and she sees it as the younger generation's responsibility.

YANBU

If she thinks it’s too long since she spoke to you then the answer is to act like a grown up and call you!

But then I baffle my step mum because I can go weeks on end without speaking to my mum, whereas her adult daughters are all in touch with her and each other every day. So I may be too far the other extreme!

That seems odd actually given that you've spoken to her about it - can you ask your siblings? Maybe she has a hangup about wanting to feel wanted? I know you do too!

I think for my mother, she sees the daily phone calls from my sisters as a reflection of how much they love her and that I love her less because I don’t phone very day (even when they’ve also seen her that day)

It might be because you're younger and she sees it as the younger generation's responsibility.. Is that the way a lot of older people think? Genuine question!

papaya how old is your mum? When people talk about their parents in here, I always think they must be in their 70s, but realistically, they might not be much older than me .

So by that rationale, she can't love you at all, because she never phones you! I know you've encouraged her to phone, but have you ever asked her why she doesn't?

she’s 80, but she’s always been like this. When we moved area she was only in her late fifties and still no contact, always waiting for me to phone etc

I’m wondering how common this is and what other mums do. Do they phone up, check how you are?

I only see my mother for about 5 minutes at Christmas and birthday, she never comes round or phones at any other time. So i only see her about 3 or 4 times per year. She lives in same town as me. I dont even know her phone number or where she is living. She had never shown much interest in me or my children. I have a halfsister and she is always visiting her, babysitting, texting her, she has never done that for me

Same here. We rarely talk. Last time we texted was 2 weeks ago (instigated by me). They only visit (occassionally) to see grandchildren before I had my first they had never visited me at all.

My brother lives by them and they have the type of relationship I would love to have but I know that even if we lived closer we wouldn't have that.

I just don't think they like me and so they don't want to spend time with me and I've come to just accept that and hope when my kids grow up it'll be better.

Don't get me wrong, if I needed something they would do their best to help and I know they care.

@MsVestibule - it seems to be the way my mother thought, and my fil, too.

Certainly it was always us paying when we went out for a meal, even when it was their idea!

My father does the same OP . But he's now 60 odd not 80.

I've stopped bothering and now practically cut him out.

We live 50 miles from him , he never calls , never visits.

my DM died when I was a kid and he never stepped up.

He doesn't even call to wish his grandkids happy birthday. I texted him to pull him up on it once and you've guessed it he never replied.

Oh and once in a blue moon when months have gone by with no contact he will text to ask how we are and when I reply and ask the same he doesnt reply at all .

But if he has messaged me and I haven't replied he will get pissed off and start moaning about me to my siblings who will then take his side!

I've basically gone minimal contact with them all now I can't be bothered and I won't be treated like shit.

I’d feel so suffocated with a daily phone call - what on earth is there to say?!

OP could your siblings have a word with her or do you now have the kind of relationship where you could mention it upsets you?

*not have the kind of relationship

If she is 80 she probably isn't too familiar with texting. That generation aren't as phone happy as us. Only used the phone for important things in case they ran up a bill.
My dm phoned her sisters for chats but we all called her. It was just a routine we got into. But she never made a fuss about when or how often but she had a lot of children so regular calls. Just call her whenever it suits and have no expectations of her. She is 80.

My mother didn’t contact me for over 12 years, no falling out she’s just selfish, nasty and plays the victim, she now lives down the road and still never contacts me only my dad. She hasn’t contacted my brother for about 20 years.

I'm in my 70s with two middle-aged children. We phone each other regularly. It's usually 50/50 me ringing, them ringing. Funnily, sometimes I ring one of them and the number is engaged - by them ringing me! We have a sort of telepathy going on...

I must say I find it utterly incomprehensible that you would give birth to your kids, bring them up, watch them develop and not even ring them?

Doesn't mean we are in each others' pockets. Both moved out in their teens - one to uni, the other to buy her own house. So very independent people but always in touch.

My son moans because I message him too much. I get called spammy mummy! That's only on a couple a week as well although I probably get overexcited when he does reply. I mainly visit him as well but I drive and am sadly more bothered about seeing him than he is seeing me. I can't imagine a world where he was phoning and messaging and I was doing the student "meh" thing

My mum has visited twice in four years. Never phones, not even on birthdays.
I took the hint and stopped calling.

My mum once moaned she hadn't heard from me in "ages" (can't remember the timeframe now) I replied that my phone is capable of receiving calls/texts as well as sending them.