Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Re mil after birth

73 replies

ALY44 · 11/05/2018 18:07

So I am due to give birth imminently my MIL has announced she has taken a week off following my due date... This is my second child so I know what I am doing and don't need help etc

AIBU to be annoyed about this as my DP only has 2 weeks paternity leave so we will be spending time as a family of 4 before he goes back to work and I feel as though she is just wasting a weeks annual leave as I won't be seeing her every day for a week!!

Have already said they can visit once baby arrives but don't want her thinking she is going to be here every day, not happening!!

OP posts:

TorviBrightspear · 11/05/2018 19:32

I've seen plenty of threads around where it's the DM at fault.

Original poster

ALY44 · 11/05/2018 19:41

@TorviBrightspear do you mean me at fault? I'm confused haha I never asked her to take time off

OP posts:

agnurse · 11/05/2018 19:58

User02

Women have a huge amount of processing and emotional and physical work to do after they give birth. It's not wrong to want that time to just bond with the new baby and have just their own nuclear family there. If Hubby and I are able to have more children, we will be asking MIL and SFIL to wait at least 2-3 months to come visit, because we live in Canada and they are in the UK. I want baby to have first shots before they come. I would also like my parents to wait until we invite them to come and see baby, which I'm sure they will be happy to do, knowing how they are.

User02 · 11/05/2018 20:12

I was in hospital for 2 weeks. It had been a very difficult birth. I was quite ill. I didn't even have my baby with me. I was in intensive care probably not even conscious.
It took years to pull myself together over all that happened and even now many years later there are still effects of that time with me every day. I had a birth, an operation, heart problems and mobility problems for months. So do tell me all about recovering from a birth.
I was glad of visits and help from anyone at all. Forgot to mention DP did a runner just before the birth. Don't know if it gets much worse but hey baby is a big person now and I am ok despite health and always wondering what went on in those weeks.

Offthebandwagonagain · 11/05/2018 20:17

Perhaps mil could help you by taking your eldest out to a soft play, to the park etc on a couple of the mornings or afternoons to give you and your dh time with the baby alone?

Original poster

ALY44 · 11/05/2018 20:21

@Offthebandwagonagain she will be at school after taking an initial couple of days off to bond with new sibling

OP posts:

Ceecee18 · 11/05/2018 20:29

My own parents did this. Announced when I was about 15 weeks pregnant that they had booked the week after I was due off. They had 3 kids themselves, all of which were late so no idea what they were thinking. I was planning on breastfeeding and didn't want to be sat in my tiny living room with my boobs out and my parents there. I told them that we would be happy for them to visit twice in the two weeks following the birth but would not be having visitors everyday. Thankfully they cancelled the leave. My MIL booked a weeks holiday abroad when I was due and just told me she hoped i could keep the baby in

TorviBrightspear · 11/05/2018 20:31

@ALY44 No, not you, but the comment after mine, RosaGertrudeJekyll

OneStepSideways · 11/05/2018 20:31

I'd tread gently here. You're assuming she will drop in every day and intrude on your time with DH and the new baby. Why?

Perhaps she just wants to be on hand if you need her? To be available if you or her son are struggling, even if just to give advice over the phone or take your older daughter out to the park for a bit? Or to do some cleaning/cooking/laundry for you so you can focus on your new baby.

If you have a difficult birth you may be very glad of someone to help. We didn't have any family nearby when DD was born. We muddled through the first weeks snapping at each other. My DH would have loved to have his mum nearby for moral support. I would have been delighted to have a female relative pop in daily to bring me cups of teas, take over the cooking/housework and reassure DH everything was going to be fine. Even better if she was happy to watch the baby while I had a nap.

Your mil is a doctor so she's well qualified to advise on any health worries or postnatal problems (you may not have any but I was a nervous wreck the first weeks).

You may have an easy birth and not need/want any help, in which case you can ask her not to come too often. But i'd wait until the baby's here and see how you feel before pushing her away.

niknac1 · 11/05/2018 20:33

Maybe she’ll be baking and cooking lots for you, texting to ask if you need any shopping, laundry, toiletries. I remember ready prepared meals were gratefully received from my MIL. You could suggest husband asks for this type of assistance

Mousefunky · 11/05/2018 20:35

Definitely get DP to tell her or tell her yourself if you can face it.

My ex mil flew over from her native SA when DC2 was two weeks old and stayed for almost two weeks, in our house. I looked and felt like a mess after an extremely traumatic birth and I just wanted to be left alone. They ‘couldn’t afford a hotel’ so I just had to deal with it. I wanted to scream by the end.

Don’t let that happen to you, get her told.

shonkyklingonmakeup · 11/05/2018 20:35

I had a friend who actually changed her holiday dates so she would be in the country for a mutual friend's due date. The mutual friend went overdue. Plan was shot to buggery.

Mousefunky · 11/05/2018 20:35

‘They’ being ex mil AND bil who was 15 at the time. No, I’m not still sore about it at all.

TorviBrightspear · 11/05/2018 20:37

User02 I'm sorry you had such a difficult birth, but it sounds like your visitors were there to help. In many cases, the visitors aren't there to help, but are instead a hindrance, to put it mildly.

Pebblespony · 11/05/2018 20:59

I hated visitors in the first few days. Had an episiotomy, was in a lot of pain & finding breastfeeding hard. Couldn't even sit down or wash my hair. DHs family all descended. It was horrible. I wanted to say Sod off to the lot of them. Plus SIL wanted to take loads of photos. Then sent them all to us. I looked awful and felt worse.

User02 · 11/05/2018 21:05

Torvi - It was a difficult birth. I may be lucky in that there is a lot missing from my knowledge of that 2 week period. I was grateful for the help I got. People talk of isolating themselves after having a baby. I think that is strange that people are suspected of being about to force their way in and take over or expect to be waited on before the birth has even happened. I was shocked at how much MIL did when DP disappeared. I was glad of her help. Please give DM and DMILs a chance before condemning

Hohofortherobbers · 11/05/2018 21:09

Oh come on, she'll probably be very helpful, dropping off a lasagne, getting some shopping in, a load of washing, taking your oldest to the park? She's not moving in. Give her a break

Original poster

ALY44 · 11/05/2018 21:28

Haha she has literally never done any of those helpful things before so I very much doubt it

I can but dream

OP posts:

BettyBaggins · 11/05/2018 21:34

Your dp may appreciate her, his Mums, support even if he isnt doing the pushing. And if she's been fine til now why suspect any different. I adored my Grandmother and hope any grandchildren I have will be allowed to adore me too. One day you too maybe a Granny/Nanny, what a precious thing.

Good luck!

ValentineFizz · 11/05/2018 21:34

OK I think you need to work out exactly what you want before getting all annoyed about MIL potentially visiting too much during her weeks leave - first you say that you want time in the house for you all to bond as a family, then say you don't want to be kept in waiting for visitors then say that DD will be at school anyway....

Original poster

ALY44 · 11/05/2018 22:15

@ValentineFizz yeah I want time together as a family and as previously said daughter will be taking few days off school

OP posts:

BettyBaggins · 11/05/2018 22:22

Family being the operative word.

HicDraconis · 12/05/2018 00:05

Your mil is a doctor so she's well qualified to advise on any health worries or postnatal problems

Had to pick up on this - it very much depends on the the type of doctor! I’m a doctor (obstetric anaesthetist) and I’m not sure I would call myself well qualified to advise on health stuff, I usually tell my family to see their GP if they have concerns. Plus the MiL/DiL relationship can be tricky to negotiate at the best of times; OP may not be comfortable discussing intimate post natal issues (painful sex?) with her MiL, doctor or no.

OP - this woman is going to be the grandmother of your new baby, yes she’s excited. But tell her now what your expectations are with regard to that first week. Let her know your intentions, heading out and about (could she join you for one or two coffee shop trips?), few visits during the week. Give her the option to change or cancel her leave, as a doctor I know how difficult it is to get! She should be used to a direct communication method (we are all taught it these days, regardless of when we qualified). There is a communication process known as “hinting and hoping” where you hint at your wishes and hope the other person picks up on it. They of course hear what they want to rather than what you want them to and this leads to frustration and miscommunications.

Be direct, be honest, be clear, but don’t punish her for a very natural excitement with her grandchild’s birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.