Re mil after birth

[ALY44]

So I am due to give birth imminently my MIL has announced she has taken a week off following my due date... This is my second child so I know what I am doing and don't need help etc

AIBU to be annoyed about this as my DP only has 2 weeks paternity leave so we will be spending time as a family of 4 before he goes back to work and I feel as though she is just wasting a weeks annual leave as I won't be seeing her every day for a week!!

Have already said they can visit once baby arrives but don't want her thinking she is going to be here every day, not happening!!

You need to be totally blunt with your DP and say he either speaks to her and TELLS her (not suggests) that the first week will pretty much be private immediate family time, or you will seriously not be happy - and you don't want to fall out with either him or his mother. But you will.

This is about you. You are giving birth. You are getting feeding established, recovering, and YOUR emotional and physical health are really the absolute main priority in those first few days. And what you want in order to get things off to a good start is to recover in peace and privacy with your family and get to know your newborn. You will be exhausted, recovering, sleep deprived. You do NOT want visitors constantly present. If he doesn't sort it, you will tell MIL that after day 2, you're not taking visitors. And if she comes anyway, you will a. lose your shit and b. lock yourself in the bedroom with the baby.

This is your home and your sanctuary and your partner's duty here is to you, and to making the first week and his paternity time about you and the baby. Not his parents' wants.

But what if you don’t deliver on or close to your due date? You could go 10 days over?
Are you booked in for an elcs or an induction?
If the later, then you could still be three days out before baby arrives.

If there really is no putting her off then when they visit in hospital as they’re leaving just say “it’s lovely of you to come, how about you pop in the day after tomorrow (or day after you get home) at say 15:30?” (With a view that you’ll nicely kick them out at 17:00when your DP puts dinner out for you and your DD).

Then on that day, you say “so shall we see you at the weekend then?”

Don’t die on a hill of trying to get DP to understand, he just won’t until the baby arrives. You’re already ahead of him as youve experienced the newborn stage and he hasn’t.
Just make sure he’s fully hands on and takes over any of your normal share of house hold stuff when you and baby come home and let him realise how much rest and peace you all need plus all the tea making ‘hosting duties’

Xpost

Oh and I'd go in all gus blazing because the cheek of your MIL informing you that she's already taken the leave would tell me straight away that she's made as sure as she can that you aren't given the option to refuse. Let's face it. She knows bloody full well you'll just want it to be you, your DP and DC - and she's trying her best to circumvent that, relying on you being too polite to say. Steamrollering.

That's not great and really you may as well bite the bullet and give it both barrels. It'll really help in the long run - let it be known NOW that you are not going to be pushed around when it comes to your family time being invaded.

This is what happens when you buy/rent a property 5 minutes' walk from family members. We have no family closer than 90 minutes drive which is PERFECT. None of this living in each other's pockets nonsense.

Why is this idea of keeping everyone back from the new baby such a thing now? When mothers could be in hospital for 2 weeks after a birth would you not have wanted visitors? Food in hospitals at that time was awful to be as polite as possible. My MIL brought a veritable picnic to my bedside and I was happy.
Don't people having babies today realise that the baby will have more relatives than just mum and dad?
I notice a few PP saying get MIL to take the week after DP goes back to work so that she can be of use. That is not very nice. Being used does not feel nice.

My MIL threatened to come and stay for 3 weeks after the DT's were born. DH had a word and said no. We were fine.

Thank you all so much for the support and making me realise I am not being unreasonable here. I think it's the fact it's been spring on me a few days before I'm due without even asking

To answer question no I'm not booked for section or induction so could still go 2 weeks over

Ahhhhhh I've just seen that the baby is DP's first and PIL's first grandchild.

Right. Sit your DP down and tell him, absolutely lay it on the line. If he wants things to go VERY wrong right from day one this is the way to do it. Spell it out that a new, bleeding, sleep deprived hormonal mum is the person who comes first. If he's in any doubt about that, get over it right now.

How is he with standing up to his mum in general?

Don't live in each other's pockets at all we are 5 mins from both sets of grandparents and it works for us as they have a great relationship with daughter (and us which is why this has shocked me so much I think)

Gosh, an excited grandparent who wants to be involved and help?

What a terrible terrible thing .

I loved being able to help my DD for a few hours a day.... just doing the washing up, entertaining older children with a story/craft and doing some laundry. Leaving DD to rest/bond with new baby. It was lovely and very precious time for all of us as a family . You can shoo her out if she overstays her welcome, but at least give her a chance. Your baby will be very lucky to have an active grandparent. See the positive.

@FizzyGreenWater this is the point I'm trying to get across I totally understand that everyone will want to meet baby and I'm totally agreeable to that but not every day for a week when I'm gonna be trying to recover from birth

I wouldn't assume she expects to visit every day. Maybe she just wants to be available so she can visit as much as she is wanted or so there is more chance of her being able to see grandchild asap when the baby arrives?

She might want to be able to cook or help out with your other child of needed.

I would try and assume the best but have a plan to set boundaries if she does over step. Good luck!

@LML83 you're totally right I have just assumed and am stressing myself out about it she might not even do it but I'm just panicking in case she does!! Just want time especially for my daughter to bond with new sibling as there is 7 year age gap so don't want her feeling pushed out

Surely as a doctor she understands that babies don't usually arrive on their due dates???

@Welshmaenad you'd think so..

Can understand your worry, hopefully won't be the case but to put your mind at rest have an idea what you or dh will say if it gets to much. I find once you're prepared for a scenario it stops you stressing about it as much.

I have a 6 year age gap with my two and it's worked out really well. 8 and 2 now and enjoy playing together a lot. It wasn't what we planned but it's fab. My dd1 is old enough to understand baby needs attention at certain times but got plenty of time with me at naps. And dd1 is a great help too, she enjoys entertaining toddler, actually don't know how I managed first time around!

Your daughter can still bond if your MIL is there. It's their first grandchild - no wonder they're excited. And yes she was a bit premature, booking leave, but it does sound as though she has good intentions.

@LML83 yeah that's what I'm trying to do just now prepare myself incase it does happen cause I'll need to be strong and just nip it in the bud if it happens!!

Aw that's lovely about your 2 I hope mine have a good bond too as I was worried about the big age gap

@HollowTalk yeah I'm not stopping them coming round I've said they can visit both at hospital and at home but i won't be accommodating them every day for a week as I'll want to be getting out and about if I ca

If i can*

I’d have the conversation with dp, it’s his job to tell his mum, plus that way you don’t need to have an awkward conversation with her if she isn’t actually dropping around every day but is being suitably engaged. But be very clear to your dp!

It might come in handy, but I think it was rude of her not to ask. My DD was 2 1/2 when her twin siblings were born. Whilst she wasn't naughty, she was absolutely hyper for the first week or so - extremely demanding of attention and wanting to be in the babies' faces all the time,

My DM came over most days (only when asked though) to help keep her entertained when necessary or to mind the babies while we focussed on her. She watched them for a couple of hours while we took DD out for a treat without 'the brothers' one day etc.

I expected a lovely bonding family time, but the reality was I found coping with a hyper excited, demanding toddler and 2 newborns quite hard and I was glad of the extra pair of hands. That could he because I had twins, of course, but it's just a different perspective.

I hope all goes well with the birth.

User02 When mothers stayed in hospital for 10 days after the birth, they were resting, had time (and the help) to get to grips with feeding, establishing the bonds, etc, etc. Visitors had to stick to set times so it was perfectly manageable.

These days, mothers get chucked out with little time to rest, have no help in feeding at home, and have to do all the feeding, establishing the bond, etc, at home. In the best cases, this is with supportive family, who, while visiting at sensible times, don't overstay their welcome, who don't plonk their arses down and expect a new, exhausted mother to rush around hosting while monopolising the baby, who don't expect the new mum to be available at all times so they can see the baby when they want, etc, etc

We've seen terrible stories on here about parents and inlaws (no discrimination from me) who have really caused problems by their selfish behaviour after the birth.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but given that the MIL booked leave without discussion with OP/OP's DH, I'd be wary of her motives, at least.

Amazing how many people have respectful dm but Mil just trampled..