Does anyone ever actually enjoy being a step parent

[Bringbackthesunshine]

Just that really? Not meant to be argumentative, but i'm finding it very difficult with two teenage step kids at the moment. I've read many comments from mums on here that say they're struggling with bad behaviours from their own kids and I find the lack of a voice very hard. I can't discipline the kids as they're not mine. Their dad is very much in the camp of not noticing stuff that goes on for keeping the peace while they're with us. They're not horrible kids, just usual teenage difficulties - attitude, hygiene, timekeeping, taking advantage.

As a step mum you get flamed for not caring, and then if you do care, flamed for trying to replace mum/interefere/etc. It's the hardest job i've ever done.

As this will be asked, I've been with DH for several years and married for almost two years. I wasn't the OW. I'm childless but not through choice, I tried and failed several rounds of IVF with a previous partner.

I wonder if I did have my own children if it would be easier or harder? Can anyone else share their experiences, i'd be grateful for some support at the moment, please don't be too harsh or unkind, I'm not a bad person, just finding a situation a bit hard to deal with.

I know how you feel, being a step parent really is a thankless job! I'm dreading when my SC get to their teenage years!

I have my own DS now 6mo and I can honestly say it makes things so much harder. Your feelings change towards your SC as you now have to compromise what you want for your own child to fit in with the step children which does cause resentment (for me anyway). I personally am finding it very hard at the minute

Sending hugs cos I'm sure you're doing an amazing job it really is hard being a step mum

I've got 2 of my own a 5 yr old SD and one on the way, it's tough and she can be hard work (as they all can) but I love her like my own. I get on with her mum which helps so I'm included in parenting etc which always eases the stress! Myself and DP have different views on some of our parenting which can cause tension but we try our best to muddle through

Hi, I'm step parent to three. When DH and I decided to move in together I said if we were all going to be living together we had to be equal in the eyes of the kids and that meant I had to have equal rights/responsibilities in terms of discipline. My DH was in full agreement and that is how we have proceeded ever since. I met the kids when they were 6 and 4 (twins) and they took to it very naturally. Their Mum and her partner seem to have taken the same approach and her partner is equally involved in the discipline. I think it was easier for us because I was involved from when they were young so I have never had a "you;re not my Mum" type of comment. I think I have a responsibility to help the kids to become the best person they can be and I have the right to have a say in how our home operates so I approach the kids in the same way I would my own.

It has its good days and bad days I think. Well, for me at least. But when the bad days come it's a lot more difficult to deal with than when I have bad days parenting my own children.
When my sd's mum has a problem she sometimes takes it out on me. I don't bite though, which is what she wants. She sent me a long ranty message the other day looking for an argument about me and dp having another baby. As much as she pissed me off, I didn't give her the argument she wanted and I never do.
She is the part of stepparenting that I don't like!

It’s rarely what you’d choose on paper. But despite the ups and (many) downs of the teenage years, the lack of privacy (everything repeated back to DH’s exw- understandable from a young DSD, but still not ‘fun’) I feel truly privileged to be in my now adult DSD’s life. She has grown into an awesome young woman and I made a (tiny tiny) contribution to that.

I wonder if I did have my own children if it would be easier or harder?
If you had young children, it probably wouldn't make a difference. If you had older children, it would probably depend on their own behaviour. If they were 'good' kids, you probably would still find it very hard. If however your kids proved to be 'typical' teenagers, then you would probably be more accepting.

I have a 'good' teenager and a 'bad' one, ie. one that is easy to live with and one who isn't. Raised exactly the same, same rules, same expectations, but that's just the way it is, some teenagers are easy going and others are not. If I was a SM, I would find my DS hard to deal with and I can see how I would assume that his behaviour was the direct outcome of his parents upbringing. As it is, my DS SM was not too bad with him, but then she has an extremely difficult teenager, so compared to them, my DS isn't so bad.

My advice would be, how hard and impossible as it might be, to try to ignore the bad behaviour and try to make friends with them because ultimately, you'll manage to influence them a lot more by being 'friends' than coming across as the wicked SM and your OH will be much more supportive in you getting involved if he feels that you are not only focusing on their bad behaviour but can also -somehow!- see the good things that he sees in them that makes him love them.

I regard my lovely DSD as a huge bonus to my relationship with DH. She was 9 when I met her and is now 22, so we went through the difficult teenage years but it was always more joy than hardship, just like with my own DC.
And now she is a fantastic young woman who winds her DF up by going to the pub with me instead of him occasionally.

Teenagers are hardwired to be an absolute pain, regardless of whose kids they are. I loved my stepchildren when they were little and I love them even more now they're adult. They were awful in their teens and I'd already done it once as they're a lot younger than mine.

Thanks for all your comments. The children were 8 and 10 when we met, so i've had the "you're not my mum" comments. I don't take this too personally, as they were old enough to remember their mum and dad being together.

Hi OP I’m a step mum too and had one dss living with us full time for years until he has got his own place. It’s hard work and often thankless. We had our blowups and also lots of fun. He drove me bonkers with the mess and lack of hygiene but I miss him now he has gone. I miss having someone in the house to watch trashy tv with and his silly pranks. I love it when he pops round or rings up to tell us something funny. He still comes and raids our cupboards and it’s a running joke to never leave him alone as he always nicks our food and toilet paper. He is really protective of me, especially when I was pregnant. He just kept coming and hugging me.
Stay strong and make sure you and his dad are on the same page.

I enjoy being a SM to DSS. It's easier now than it was when he was small but that's mainly due to his DM being less of a problem. He lives with us and sees his DM EOW. For clarity, I wasn't the OW. She left DH and DSS and had an affair.
I think it's harder when you have your own DC though. I never really got that special time with my first baby as there was always the school run to do etc.
I do love DSS though, he's turning into a lovely young man and I feel proud that it's partly down to me.

Can't you talk to their Dad about this? I have DC and am married to a new man, and I'd bloody love him to step in more on stuff like discipline. The DC really listen to him when he does.

I don't think it's fair for people to be expected to share a home with children and not be allowed to intervene if the DC do annoying stuff, like even the loveliest DC sometimes do.

I am a DSDaughter rather than a parent, I really hope my step-dad would say there are good bits!

He is an adored grandad of 4, 1 of which is mine. All the grandchildren like spending time with him and we are forever laughing at how much like him my DS is!

Hardest thing I've ever done too. You need to be able to discipline any children whilst they are under your roof in my opinion.

I enjoyed it mostly. I am a childless stepmother who acquired stepchildren when they were 4 and 9. They are grown up now but we still see a lot of them. I think it helps that I get on fairly well with their Mum (DH doesn't) and that DH and their Mum had been divorced a couple of years before I met him.

It's not all been easy - there were some moments when they were teenagers - but I expected that. Had I been able to have my own children, I'm sure there would have been different challenges.

DH is a good Dad and I've always tried to make sure he gets lots of time with them that isn't with me along - I guess occasionally that might have made me look a bit remote? I'll ask the next stepchild who visits if they felt like that.

I'll never have my own grandchildren. So if and when my DSCs have their own, I hope I can be part of that.

You're not a bad person at all. That's all part and parcel of most teens and mum gets that too.

It really is tough. You're probably at the worst. I had my dc when stepsons (DSSs??) were young teens. They're now almost not teens! I can genuinely say now that I love them to bits and am delighted when they visit. I was lucky because
a) their mum is great and has always been very friendly to me.
b) they are lovely boys
c) dp and I laid down the rules early on with each other - mainly that he is at the centre of the family and therefore in the early stages he had to facilitate everyone getting along- I'd say this is the most important step. And d) I wasn't too hard on myself, and didn't try too hard to falsify a family bond which really takes years to grow.
Hth. It does get easier

Step parenting is absolutely the most thankless thing. It’s hard work to find a path that works for everyone. I love my stepkids utterly, they love me too. I’ve known them since they were primary school age, always made it very clear that I’m not their mum, but that they are loved and parented by both is us when they live with us. Butt out of all important decisions - that’s for their mum and dad - unless the kids ask me for advice. I have always taken my lead from them.
My stepdaughter and I have an exceptionally close relationship now - like big sister and aunt rolled into one. My stepson found things harder initially,, but we have a great relationship now. In fact, step parenting made me want a child of my own (always been very against becoming a mum previously). We make time for all the kids - including 1-1 time with each of us.
It has been hard work though, and I’m not sure our relationship would have survived if the kids and I didn’t get on.
Teenagers can be hard though. Eldest was a dream, but DSS is more challenging for everyone. His mum despairs of him. I defer to DH on that score if things do become difficult and keep out of it, but at the heart of it, it still works. We’ve all learned to be flexible.
In some respects it’s harder if you have your own kids, because you have to be flexible on things that maybe you wouldn’t if you only had DSC or a child of your own. Equally, it gives us all an extra bond and the kids are all treated the same.

I would also go for being a friend. I have a stepdad and a stepmom both of whom I met when a teenager. I can honestly say I feel really lucky to have them in my life. Play the long game. Teenagers are challenging but young adults can become friends for life.

I second what twofigs said- it's important you and your partner are both clear on what is/ isn't involved in being a step-parent. In our house my sc respect me, but I stay out of the discipline and heavy discussion stuff unless the kids want my opinion. They have two perfectly good parents for that. I am on hand to be welcoming, loving and fun. And as far as I see it, that's pretty much all that has been required. My relationship is more like an aunt-nephew. I think if everyone views it like that, it's much more fun.

It's one erason plenty of us would not choose a partner with children though - you made an active choice. there are plenty of men around who have never had a child. That doesn't make it easier but it does mean you need to work around it. Most of us who are parents know how awful our own teenagers have been from time to time over the years so it is hard enough even for a parent. Could you just do less for them? Eg if they are around on Saturdays you go out for the day then and let their father do their washing, most of the chatting with them, tidying up after them, cooking for them?

Also don't have family meals - I used to think there was this big wonderful thing of a family meal but in fact when we largely gave them up it was revelatory and wonderful.

Also don't forget money tends to work with teenagers! If you don't have children you probably earn a fair bit. Perhaps allocate a chunk of it to buying them tech products every month!

I’ve had the “you’re not my Mum” comment a few times from both DSDs (teenagers). My response is always “I know, I’m not trying to be. But I do have a responsibility to look after you and your best interests.”

It’s been a bumpy couple of years but we’re getting there. Although DP and I have a similar idea to a PP. I’m not unable to step in when needed, and don’t feel unable to say when something isn’t on. I don’t think I’d be able to cope if I wasn’t allowed to, because that’s quite divisive.

One of my brothers was/is a stepdad. He went through some shit but things seem fine now. It was upsetting to hear him being 'tested' but that is natural so even my mum butted out. He is always there for them (split from their mum now) and is a lovely dad to his (and ex wife's) daughters and his lovely new son with new partner.

I don't like my step-daughter. I hate that I don't like her but she isn't nice to her Dad and hurts him all the time. I have tried really hard but she gives me nothing back and now she is in her twenties I just think she can get on with it.

IME it's an impossible job. Not helped by DH and the fact that instead of letting DSD know it's ok to accept me, right from the start he's always taught her to see herself as being above me. Been together 7 years. Two DC of my own and various family complications (carer for ill relative) otherwise I'd have run a mile by now. Im hoping it gets easier as she gets older and becomes more independent but atm it's awful. I have no voice. If I try to stand up for myself and call DSD on her attitude I'm immediately jumped on by both DSD and DH. If I ask DH to call her on her attitude I'm apparently making it up to get at her. It's a horrible situation to be in and I'd be very upset if my children ended up stepparents in the same position as me.