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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if trying to force a child to be more sociable can be counter productive

29 replies

user1485342611 · 11/05/2018 10:44

I don't mean not encourage children to have friends over or anything like that.
But I have a niece who's 13 now and she's quite shy. At a party recently my SIL kept hissing at her to go and be sociable, 'look at all the other young people chatting together' etc and my niece just looked really uncomfortable and unhappy. She didn't really know any of the other kids apart from one who was her cousin, and obviously didn't want to go and hang around with them.

I have a friend who said her mother used to do this kind of thing, and tell her 'not to be so odd', or make a point of telling her about suchandsuch's daughter 'who's always at parties', 'they never see her she's out and about so much' etc and it just made her feel even more awkward and shy.

I know parents want to see their kids be happy and sociable, but if someone's just not naturally sociable AIBU to think you can't really force it. Kids need to find their own way, and not be pushed too much. My friend now has plenty of friends, and I'm sure my niece will find her feet in her own time.

OP posts:

Buster72 · 11/05/2018 10:58

As someone who has been labelled everything from shy to a complete anti social weirdo I sympathise.
Pushing her will only force her deeper inside.
Perhaps she shares little in common with those kids.
Let her develop her own interest and be happy

HellenaHandbasket · 11/05/2018 11:02

We have similar with my nigh on 8 yr old. She's quiet in some settings, but happy being so. I feel worried sometimes as most kids her age seem so carefree and sociable, but she is happy being who she is so I try not to put my insecurities onto her if you see what I mean .

ButtonMoonPig · 11/05/2018 11:06

YANBU. I was a shy teenager and my DM used to snap at me, “don’t be so self conscious!” It had the opposite effect and made me more anxious and awkward.

IMO forcing children to socialise doesn’t help. As I grew up and found my feet I made a lot of friends without my DM interfering.

KatieKittens · 11/05/2018 11:08

Maybe your SIL means well, but is not going about it the right way.

As her auntie, could you find ways to boost your nieces confidence and self esteem? Maybe offer to take her and a few cousins out for a day to the cinema or bowling?

Some people don’t like large group situations, even as adults.

BlueJava · 11/05/2018 11:10

You're not unreasonable at all. One of my sons is very shy. Forcing him to be more sociable and drawing attention to it would be awful. I have just let him be himself. If he doesn't want to come to a family gathering he doesn't have to. Actually now he's mid-teens he is being less shy and has made friends at school from Xbox and meets up with people - pizza, coffee etc.

However, you don't mention this but I wouldn't mention it to my SIL unless super close. How she brings up her children is up to her I think.

mostdays · 11/05/2018 11:10

Yanbu at all. I was shy and when people tried to force me not to be it was horrible and made things worse.

Kescilly · 11/05/2018 11:14

I have mixed feelings about this. I was a shy, introverted child and my parents did push me into social situations that I would not have sought on my own. They were never mean about it, but did expect me to socialise quite a bit.

As an adult, I'm still introverted and often have social anxiety, but I also love people. What my parents did has not taken that away or changed my nature. But I find that I am better at masking it and am able to socialise more because of it. I think that it did not change me, but it did give me tools to better operate in a society that values extroverts. I'm really grateful to them, actually.

Original poster

user1485342611 · 11/05/2018 11:27

I was quite a shy child myself and I can remember being sent out to 'go and play on the green with all those other children ', and the misery of it - walking over as slowly as possible, hanging around on the outskirts too shy to ask to join in, slinking home as soon as possible.

I don't think that works, really, however well intentioned.

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 11/05/2018 11:31

My own mother was the same to me, op. I suppose as a pp said, it did force me to learn some coping skills for social interaction. It was brutal and I hated it at the time though.

I worry that these days it might backfire, as our generation HAD to go out and meet people for work, life, food shopping etc. Kids these days don't really have to leave the house after they finish school; WFH, get shopping delivered, chat online. I worry that if they get anxious enough (even from well-meaning parents) it would be very easy for them to retreat indoors and never come.out again. I probably would have done so if I'd had the option

Storm4star · 11/05/2018 11:38

For me the way to look at it is, you wouldn’t tell a shy adult to just go mingle with a random group of adults. They may have nothing in common. Both my kids were what you could consider shy, one has aspergers so he definitely struggled in social situations. But they just took more time to come into their own, so to speak. Once they found people they had things in common with, they became a lot more social. 13 is still so young. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly and that’s ok.

Witchend · 11/05/2018 12:05

I don't know though, if they never make any attempt to make friends, then they won't have friends, which feeds into the "no one ever likes me so I won't try" cycle.

I've seen it with one of mine. She won't join in, even if invited, so the next time they don't bother inviting her to join in and she then says "they don't like me, they don't want me."
On the odd occasion I have got her joining in and she loves it and then feels more comfortable joining the next time-and the other children ask her to join in, which helps her feel more comfortable etc.
So it's a vicious cycle.

I get it. I'm shy and struggle socially. However there are times when I do go and join in something that every bit of me doesn't want to because I want to be included. The thought of joining in is almost always worse than the reality. And I've made some good friends from things I didn't think I would.

teaandtoast · 11/05/2018 12:27

Yes, it's counter productive.

As is telling other people, in front of the shy person, he/she's very shy. How stupid is that!

ImperfectTents · 11/05/2018 12:33

There isn’t a lot of room in the higher salary professional world for shyness sadly. I was a crippling shy child and had to over come it to get anywhere in the world. My dd is the same and will have to learn to overcome it. It is frustrating, I remember being the utterly miserable child being forced into rooms with other children so I try to be patient with my child. Sometimes it is v frustrating and I have been know to snap and tell her to just get on with it. Nobody is perfect and the rest of the world will not make accommodations .

Original poster

user1485342611 · 11/05/2018 12:51

But not everyone wants to be in the higher salary professional world. I know I certainly don't.

OP posts:

TheLastNigel · 11/05/2018 13:34

My dd1 was painfully shy (as was I). No amount of telling her to go and socialise would help her, in fact it would have made her feel worse (I know this as it's what my mum did to me). In her case what bought her out of Herself and improved her confidence was playing for a team at sport and realising she was good at it-and all that that encompassed.
For me it didn't get better until I started work-I was 21 before I could go into a shop and buy something without agonising over having to speak to the cashier because I was just so shy. Being told I was odd wouldn't have helped. I already knew that and felt shit about it already!

TheLastNigel · 11/05/2018 13:52

I meant to say-so it seems best to try and get the shy person into a situation where they have a role and something to do whilst there, (like a Job or a position in a team) so that they have something to focus on, don't need to worry about what to do, and then the contact with people and the social side comes around that.

adaline · 11/05/2018 14:02

There isn’t a lot of room in the higher salary professional world for shyness sadly.

What's that got to do with the price of fish?

Not everyone wants a professional salaried job - I certainly don't. I'm not shy but I don't really enjoy small-talk or anything and I can't think of anything worse than a professional career that requires me to work long hours.

Polarbearflavour · 11/05/2018 14:08

My parents used to do this. Grrrr!

As an adult I’m still shy but I’ve been a registered nurse and a flight attendant - all “social” jobs and I’m doing okay!

My current job isn’t the most amazing salary wise or high flying but I organise and host events and do just fine.

mostdays · 11/05/2018 14:22

There isn’t a lot of room in the higher salary professional world

Oh dear god

passmetheloppers · 11/05/2018 15:02

You can't force someone to change their personality, can you?

BarbarianMum · 11/05/2018 15:07

I think it depends on the outcome of the forcing. If it makes the child shameful, or unhappy, or more self-concious, or more withdrawn, then of course it's a bad thing. However if you know that they'll love it if they give it a go and a hard shove will result in them giving it a go then a bit of forcing (or maybe forcable persuasion) can work wonders. Ds2 is famous for getting cold feet when it comes to new situations. A few weeks ago I practically dragged him to scout hut and threw him in (he'd wanted to join but then changed his mind in the night). Same the next week. Now he loves it. Again, had to throw him on the coach to Thorpe Park this week (school trip) - had a great time despite not wanting to go because his best mate wasn't in his group.

BarbarianMum · 11/05/2018 15:08

I think that should read shamed, not shameful.

Original poster

user1485342611 · 11/05/2018 16:03

Yes, I agree kids should be encouraged to do things that you know they really want to do, but are hanging back from because they're shy.

But it's the enforced pushing them into group situations that they're really uncomfortable with, ordering them to go out and play with some bunch of kids they hardly know, comparing them to more sociable teenagers and telling them or implying that they're 'odd' or 'miserable' or whatever that doesn't sit easy with me. That's surely just going to make a child who already lacks confidence feel even worse about themselves.

OP posts:

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 11/05/2018 16:06

All of my children are shy. There are times when I would prefer them to be more sociable. Then I remember how shy I was and how i hated my parents making me kiss relatives or join in. I remember my dad once telling me I showed him up because I didn't participate in party games. So I let them get on with it. Dd has asd and crippling social anxiety so I never push it.

Luxembourgmama · 11/05/2018 16:14

Yes definitely i was like that as a kid. I would never do that to my kid.

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