To wonder if trying to force a child to be more sociable can be counter productive

[user1485342611]

I don't mean not encourage children to have friends over or anything like that.
But I have a niece who's 13 now and she's quite shy. At a party recently my SIL kept hissing at her to go and be sociable, 'look at all the other young people chatting together' etc and my niece just looked really uncomfortable and unhappy. She didn't really know any of the other kids apart from one who was her cousin, and obviously didn't want to go and hang around with them.

I have a friend who said her mother used to do this kind of thing, and tell her 'not to be so odd', or make a point of telling her about suchandsuch's daughter 'who's always at parties', 'they never see her she's out and about so much' etc and it just made her feel even more awkward and shy.

I know parents want to see their kids be happy and sociable, but if someone's just not naturally sociable AIBU to think you can't really force it. Kids need to find their own way, and not be pushed too much. My friend now has plenty of friends, and I'm sure my niece will find her feet in her own time.

Sorry my choice of words has offended some. I agree it sounded wanky but I have a migraine and sometime I can’t get the right words out.

I don’t agree that it is right that the world is so extrovert focussed but it has become like that so I think we should help prepare our children for that so they have choices.

I have a shy teen DS and whilst he's happy, confident in himself, does group activities and has a small group of close friends, his teachers always, always pick him up on being 'too quiet' in class. His grades are excellent, his behaviour too, and he is happy in himself, so we'd never dream of trying to push him into behaviour that simply isn't in his character. He's been the same since he was a toddler so it's just who he is.

It is challenging being a parent of a shy/introverted/quiet child as there's definitely a balance between encouraging them to do stuff whilst realising that they need peace and solitude to re-charge...but then so do I as an adult, and that's not seen as weird, so why is it seen as odd in a child?

I remember my Mum would sometimes set up social occasions where she would just assume that because I was within 5 years of age of another young person we would automatically get on.

E.g. arranging a holiday with her sister and assuming that my cousin and I ( I had never met her and she was nearly 16 when I was only 11) would get along and "be company" for each other Thankfully my Dad put a stop to that one because he was horrified at the though of sharing his precious week's holiday with this particular auntie!

She did the same with my older sister (then 18/19) by arranging for a neighbour's lonely 27 yo DD to go on a night out with my sister and her friends. In that case they did hit it off more or less but it was a bit off.

I think we should help prepare our children for that so they have choices.

But sometimes no amount of preparation will work. Some people are just not interested in small talk and will always be uncomfortable talking to strangers.