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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU future PILs

29 replies

yy558 · 11/05/2018 09:46

My future PILS are not the most public of people and mostly they spend their time with their dog and are retired. They seem to be rather strange too about meeting people, or in particular my parents. They were really miffed over their other sons wedding when the SIL parents invited them over for drinks before the wedding day (a day before) as they really didn't see the point of making talk. Personally I understood but thought it was a bit strange. Also I know that SIL parents were keen on meeting beforehand even.

I'm hoping to get married this year - it will be a really super small wedding, just parents are the registry office. and my parents have been asking to meet them and im at loss to what to say knowing both sides. I feel like my parents would feel offended or if not snubbed and hurt.

At the same time, my parents have offered to throw their big wedding feast for us (a month down the line- they wanted to pay for it so we agreed for them ) and I've been warned by the DP that it is unlikely his parents will want to attend. I don't know how to explain that. I know the PilS mean no harm, it's not their thing but I feel like I'm bending over to explain their behaviour to my parents. And I don't know why they can't all suck it up and smile for 2 days in the year.

Obviously once the wedding is over, I know it will.go back to status quo where I can manage both sides separately as in laws live 6 hours away.

It also begs another question mumsnetters - what's the relationship between your ILS and your parents? Did they meet before the wedding? Is that a thing?

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 11/05/2018 09:50

Mine met the day after the wedding and promptly fell out. MIL asking my DM if she thought our marriage would last probably didn't help.

They haven't met since.

DH and I prefer it that way.

Halfpastfreckle · 11/05/2018 09:53

Just tell your parents they are a bit odd and don’t want to meet up/come to the party after. That they did the same for their other child’s wedding. Then get on with having a nice time without them. Simple.

Jordan4531 · 11/05/2018 09:55

Luckily my parent and Pils get along but when my mother and father married their parents hated each other. I think you need to explain to your PILs that it would mean a lot if they could just meet them or go to the feast this once. I think they are a little unreasonable and anti social

MrsKoala · 11/05/2018 09:56

My first marriage (we were together 11 years) exPils met my parents briefly at our engagement party and then again at our wedding. ExPils would have preferred more but my parents didn't really want to - they saw no reason to make friends with them and knew they wouldn't get along.

Second marriage Pils were very private people and had no contact with anyone apart from DH. They barely tolerated me at their house and banned me for 2 years, they didn't attend our wedding and only met ds1 at 4mo when we visited them. If it had been up to Fil he wouldn't have had me or the children in the house - he hated people in general. My parents never met them - which was a relief to all involved.

Hillarious · 11/05/2018 09:57

Just explain how they are, and let them know they were the same when his other brother got married. I understand Charles and Camilla haven't met Meghan Markle's parents, so you're not in a unique position.

Ginnotginger · 11/05/2018 09:57

My dps and dpils met when we invited them out for a meal to celebrate our engagement.
Can't you just explain to your dps what your future dpils are like and that it is nothing personal - they are like it with everyone. Your dps might be relieved

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2018 09:59

My parents met my in-laws on the eve of my wedding. Never met again after the day (and the meeting didn't go that well, in-laws were a bit odd)

I have met all my children's in-laws. We see them on family occasions which is fine.

It really doesn't matter either way and if it makes your in-laws uncomfortable, don't force it. Your parents don't need to meet them.

RosaGertrudeJekyll · 11/05/2018 10:04

Why can't you just say.. They are odd and don't like socialising and don't want to meet you.

Carry on all the plans without them...

RosaGertrudeJekyll · 11/05/2018 10:06

I would certainly like to meet dc new family!! Esp to get measure of Mil etc.. I have amazing instinct for that sort of thing

AnnaMagnani · 11/05/2018 10:10

Actually they have met another time. My MIL was driving me potty about my inadequate wifework. So I took my DM round to hers for tea where my DM accidently on purpose talked about my DF ( who had died shorted before my marriage) and how nice it had been that he did his own washing, sorted his own family relationships, sent Christmas and birthday cards, did jobs around the house.

She's a star my DM

My sets of Grandparents never met much due to living in different countries. However without that barrier, they still wouldn't have met as they wouldn't have managed to sustain a conversation for more than 5 minutes.

I don't think PILs have to get on.

JammieCodger · 11/05/2018 10:11

Why would your parents be offended? That’s the real problem here. You shouldn’t need to ‘bend over backwards’ to get them to understand that some people really don’t feel comfortable with that kind of social occasion. It’s nothing personal.

There’s no reason why your parents need a relationship with your partner’s parents. My mum and dad were very friendly with my brothers in-laws but were very different from mine, in age and outlook. In the last 20 years they met at weddings, funerals and a couple of christmases we held at ours; they got on well enough, but there was no need for social engagement just for the sake of it.

Original poster

yy558 · 11/05/2018 10:12

Mixed responses which is good to hear. :)

I guess it would be too much and too awkward if I set up a casual dinner (with both sides this weekend as they're down -as DP and my dad share this same birthday weekend- means I have to skip seeing my dad but he's not too fussed).

OP posts:

Hideandgo · 11/05/2018 10:14

My parents and Inlaws have become firm friends. My inlaws even went to my home without me to visit my parents last year!

Inkspellme · 11/05/2018 10:17

Why can't you explain it to your parents exactly as you've explained it here in your first post?

ProfYaffle · 11/05/2018 10:21

My PIL are similar to yours. My parents are very sociable and outgoing. Suffice to say they don't get on

I agree with pp, just say you PIL are awkward socially and don't really want to mix. It's easier to get to grips with the reality of the situation early on rather than stumble through years of awkward invites to various events.

EllenOlenska · 11/05/2018 10:22

My siblings and I have this issue. Our DM will not and does not make any effort with us let alone our in laws. In every way we have to go to her and when she does, on a rare occasion, decide she will particpate she will only ever go to something if she is picked up and taken straight back the same day, a logistical nightmare for any gathering we have as we all live all over the UK so generally there is always travel involved and an overnight stay is needed/sensible. That being said when we do plan something on her doorstep she will also throw some spanner in the works as to why she can only be out for a short time or on some occasions refuse to go point blank on the day. We have accepted this for a long time and just let her get on with it. It was easier when our DD was still alive because he was much more sociable though often he would turn up giving an excuse covering our DM general feeling of CBA. It's taken a long time to stop feeling so pained by this and generally I've accepted it but it does make it hard when my in laws really don't get how she just wouldn't want to be involved and I know my siblings have the same problem. I'd say carry on as you are and enjoy your celebration!

NewYearNewMe18 · 11/05/2018 10:22

I understand Charles and Camilla haven't met Meghan Markle's parents, so you're not in a unique position

That might be because there are 6 time zones and covering 3 continents!

juneau · 11/05/2018 10:28

Your PILs sound very antisocial and strange tbh! My MIL is fairly antisocial, but for her DC's wedding she put on a pretty dress and plastered a big smile on her face and came along to everything - rehearsal dinner and all. My family are big and chatty and confident too and I know that en masse they can be a bit intimidating, but most normal people would accept that playing nice, being sociable and polite is part of the deal when you get married.

Personally, I wouldn't try to explain this behaviour to your parents, as your ILs sound rude and antisocial. Fair enough to say 'that's just how they are', but I wouldn't be making up excuses - surely your DPs would see through that anyway?

weedoogie · 11/05/2018 10:35

It would be lovely if the in-laws met and got on - but it's not your responsibility to make it so. They're adults and should be able to make their own relationships. Explain the situation as clearly and unjudgementally as you can to your parents and get DH to do the same for his. Give them each others contact details and leave them to it

s0phx · 11/05/2018 10:41

my mother and father's parents get along very well, they go on holiday together twice every year!!

brookeisntmyname · 11/05/2018 10:44

My parents (plus aunts and nanna) met in laws before the wedding, meal out after we got engaged and friendly by the wedding. My mil and aunts in particular talk a lot on fb. My family live 3 hours away but I'd say we have a pretty blended family that way, which for the kids has proved to be amazing actually. We were very lucky.

On the flip side, dh's Mum and dad split when he was very young, their two sides can't even look at each other so there's always that tension when the kids bring up gran to their grandad and 'grandads wife' she refused to be called anything other than her name to the kids which is totally her loss.

Cliveybaby · 11/05/2018 10:44

My parents met F-MIL (widowed) a couple of months after we got engaged.
A couple of weeks after we got engaged we asked them all if they'd like to visit and meet, and fixed a weekend. We had FMIL fri-sun morning and my parents saturday - mon, so short and sweet overlap in case they didn't really get on.
But they got on fine, they're all nice, normal, educated, well-travelled, polite and middle-class, so they had stuff in common :)

My two grans (dad's mum and mum's mum) go on holiday together!

PenelopePitshag · 11/05/2018 10:46

I have compatibility issues with my PILs & my own parents.
My own family go to an extreme right-wing church (the kind that occasionally has members arrested for hate speech against homosexuals, other religious groups etc. They believe all illness is a result of demons, & my mother keeps trying to "exorcise" me to relieve me of a chronic health condition - I am disabled.) DH unemployment, MH issues = demons, apparently.
My PILs are pagans. MIL is also disabled due to a potentially life-limiting illness that keeps flaring up. And MIL likes to stir things, a little bit.

You can imagine how well they get on.

Violet19 · 11/05/2018 10:49

I have one or two relatives like this. They don't come to parties or get togethers. I'm fine with it. I know that they can't handle big groups. Some people get very anxious at social occasions so if this is the case here (which it could be) it's not really fair to expect them to just 'suck it up and smile' if they do find it intolerable. It not even be that they are both like this but that one is protecting the other who finds things like this anxiety-provoking. Often things like this can be masked by other 'reasons' but really it's just that they may not be able to handle social occasions. It doesn't make them odd. There's such big pressure for people to have to be social and yet for some people it's genuinely terrifying.

Violet19 · 11/05/2018 10:51

*'It may not even be' not 'It not even be'

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