To have the fucking rage with DH

[hungryhippo90]

So ok, I’m working on myself at the moment. Trying to regain some confidence. I finally gained confidence to try and get back to work, We’ve got a business but I don’t generate any actual income from it, there’s just my drawings from the business, that go into our joint account and that’s the end of it.

DH has been pressuring me into going into his line of work, I would be good, I provide some support to him at work, I generally take over the reigns if I feel I can.

I’d started to believe him that I could do this.

Then, I’d booked myself into training he has told me I should do for 3 years! Yes., 3 long years!

Broken down into a 3 day and 2 day split for this qualification that’ll mean I can actually earn some money.

First time he was supposed to be helping pick up and drop off DD from school, he picks and chooses where and when he works. He left it until a week before to tell me he had secured himself a little contract some 2 hours away so no chance at all of him. Being able to do school run, so he called his mum, who is brilliant and jumped straight into granny mode, DD stayed with her for a few days, she was open to helping this week, he said no, no I have to prove my point, I’m a father! I am capable of looking after my offspring.

He then gleefully told me today he had arranged to work from home so he could excel at “dad duties”
Fine. At least he’s taking it seriously.

He phoned me 20 minutes before after school club was finished, he wanted help to write up a contract for someone he worked with 2 years ago- he needs help so turned up at our door, hasn’t spoken to him since they stopped working tovether, but that’s not the point.

I said, you NEED to leave to get DD. You won’t make it in time. He left our house 3 minutes before after school club kicked out. It’s a half hour drive.

I called the school and one of the office ladies was concerned that DH mentioned he was working from home but refused to cancel DDs space and now he was late and didn’t even bother to call, but there I was on the phone fairly hysterical because they were supposed to be shut, I am 2.5 hours away and he just had one thing to do.

I’ve now just had a text saying DD won’t be in bed till 10pm tonight.

I am fucking raging. One day. One day. He doesn’t see what’s wrong.

[Mooneyes]

TAKE THE JOB.

Please. I don't know you but I have been where you are and I guarantee you won't regret it

[Snewname]

Not one person saying turn it down.

[Racecardriver]

Woooo! That is awesome. Good for you! Take the job and enjoy it!

[hungryhippo90]

Thanks again everyone!

Just to make a few points, H has gained quite a bit out of me technically not having my own job, over the past 7 years I’ve dropped everything to attend to his work, whether as an unpaid labourer/cleaner/assistant and quite recently I’ve taken over many of his responsibilities, for example in guiding workforce- have dealt with a few men who he struggled with (funny how a few told him to get to fuck, but have quite nicely got on with what was required when I asked!) but I’ve also done snagging and composed appropriate lists and doled them out appropriately, picked up materials that have been required, dealt with NHBC, dealt with crap engineers sent to us by the recruiters, sourced trades at short notice when we were stood up, got involved with actually doing work when time was short and it saved time and extra material cost. I’ve been a bit of a mug because I’ve generally not taken a wage. If I have it’s been £100ish a week, which goes into our personal account to never be seen again.
It hasn’t bothered me too much, except for when he goes on about, well we can’t afford x/y/z because we only have one wage.

And here I am with an opportunity to change that, and he’s shot it down, after the way he disregarded his responsibilities whilst I was away.

I’ve decided that this job is mine, I will be accepting, and I have sorted most of the childcare accordingly.

Many on this post have picked up on a point I made to my dad only 2 weeks ago, the reason behind the training and a new job isn’t that I’m hoping to leave, but I would like the ability should I feel that things are bad enough that I need to. To be fair, I’ve felt a lot like I can’t do right for a long time. As an example, he smashed his phone at work, plus he’s been looking at new contracts. I ordered him a new contract phone for work. He said, oh I realised you were on the 02 website, you left the tab up, what were you looking for? (The tab just said to expect a call from 02 as they needed to check some details) in the meantime the contract has been accepted. The phone I thought he wanted, screen protection included, plus a decent case, all insurances. So I said, I ordered you a new phone for work, it was supposed to be a surprise but you know I can’t hold water!
His reply, oh so you didn’t order the +? Well, I guess it’ll do but it’s not what I wanted.

The phone came, I sent it back and cancelled the contract, he’s moaned each day since about his phone not working. My answer is now “it’s none of my business, my solutions weren’t appreciated so you deal with it” his credit is so bad he won’t get a new contract.

Thank you All so much. I felt like I was being a very selfish person even thinking of accepting this when it’s not something he’s happy with, but it does mean I can deal with childcare easier and it’s one hell of an opportunity. I’d kick myself for a long time if I didn’t grab it with both hands.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

You're going to be brilliant.
If work gives you a boost to your self-esteem, your relationships and expectations will look very different in a year or two.

[ByeMF]

Congratulations! Your H sounds like not a very nice person tbh. Sulky and manipulative. Hope you enjoy the new job and it gives you a massive confidence boost.

[IfNot]

Wow, you sound really competent. Im so glad you are taking the job. I think he realises just how bad you can make him look once you realise how awesome you actually are.
Also, how bad does his credit have to be to not get a phone contract?? Mine is pretty crap and I can get one!
I would make sure you fully understand your family finances, and keep a closer eye in what he is doing with your money.
It sounds like you have been kind of sleepwalking for a while. Time to wake up maybe. Good luck with it all.

[gluteustothemaximus]

TAKE THE JOB

GET YOUR CONFIDENCE BACK

REASSESS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH NEWFOUND SELF ESTEEM

Sorry for the shouting. I’ve been in a relationship where everything I did was sabotaged.

Even though you’re a complete stranger, I want you to get your confidence back, and enjoy financial independence.

Good luck OP x

[TheKarateKitty]

Congrats on the job and definitely get in there! 🏆

I have no words about your husband; everyone else has said what I would anyway.

[user1andonly]

Good luck in your new job.

Whatever you do, don't let him put himself in charge of any childcare at least in the first few weeks while you get yourself established as the last thing you need is to be distracted or having to rush off when he's let you down again. If you can't pick her up yourself, make sure someone you can trust is doing it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Congratulations on the job! What do you mean “his credit is so bad he won’t get a new contract”?

[Coyoacan]

Congratulations on the job!

I'm afraid it sounds like he is sabotaging you because he knows how easily you can outshine him

[TheMaddHugger]

He's Not only going to be outshone by you.

He's Losing His Free Slave

Of course he's unhappy

Congrats and (((Madd Hugs)))

[TheMaddHugger]

@Mummyoflittledragon Fri 18-May-18 01:50:02
Congratulations on the job! What do you mean “his credit is so bad he won’t get a new contract”

< I think she meant he wont get a new phone contract.

[marjorie25]

And here I am with an opportunity to change that, and he’s shot it down, after the way he disregarded his responsibilities whilst I was away.

I think you need to calm down. Shit happens, if you drop dead tomorrow, both your husband and daughter will have to cope, and you will have no idea what is going on in their life.
It's amazing the amount of time and energy we as humans waste on things like this. So he was late, it is worth getting a heart attack over.
Sound like first world problems to me.

[LilMadAgain]

Marjorie You must be the husband, welcome to Mumsnet. You'll find excellent advice here on how not to be an eejit.

[Mountainsoutofmolehills]

i think less helicoptering husband or you will pull your hair out. he will have to grow up and manage. If he doesn't allow you your freedom professional it could fall under financial abuse. He is reinforcing the glass ceiling you are fighting. Just get on with it and let him. He will see the error of poor planning and late bedtimes soon enough.

[TheMaddHugger]

[junebirthdaygirl]

Make sure your salary is going into your personal account with a transfer to joint account of SOME of it. Danger he will reduce his contribution and leave you paying for everything. He will make excuses that his cash flow isn't great etc but hold firm.
As for stuff like his phone don't engage . Just say l'm sure you will work it out in a nice normal voice..nothing else. Don't get sucked in to discussing stuff like that over and back wasting your energy.
Good luck with the job and get a cleaner if he doesn't do some housework.

[TakemedowntoPotatoCity]

Well done OP. This is going to make or break your relationship, I feel. I do hope he steps up and becomes the decent husband you deserve. If it goes the other way, sounds like you'd be well rid .

[Coyoacan]

Sound like first world problems to me

I live in Mexico and if we are over half an hour late to pick up our children from school they are handed over to social services.

[Itsallabout]

It is time to do what you want to do, to live life for yourself and to do what makes you feel happy. Your excitement at the prospect of this new job is very apparent so please please go for it.
Your husband likes you at home at his beck and call doing all the things he doesn't want to do or cant do. He sounds jealous and seems to want to play at being your boss.

He doesn't want to work for the company again does he? He might be after your job for himself.

[GnusSitOnCanoes]

TAKE THE JOB! (And please accept a massive congratulations from me too.) You'll be fantastic: go and grab every opportunity that comes your way.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@TheMadHugger
I wasn’t sure if op means he has a poor credit rating or has a lot of debt.

[Soutty]

Congratulations! Make sure you set up a bank account for your wages to go into and only transfer some of them to the joint account or to some sort of separate bills account if you are taking over some of the direct debits. Whatever you do, don't get paid into the joint account.