To have the fucking rage with DH

[hungryhippo90]

So ok, I’m working on myself at the moment. Trying to regain some confidence. I finally gained confidence to try and get back to work, We’ve got a business but I don’t generate any actual income from it, there’s just my drawings from the business, that go into our joint account and that’s the end of it.

DH has been pressuring me into going into his line of work, I would be good, I provide some support to him at work, I generally take over the reigns if I feel I can.

I’d started to believe him that I could do this.

Then, I’d booked myself into training he has told me I should do for 3 years! Yes., 3 long years!

Broken down into a 3 day and 2 day split for this qualification that’ll mean I can actually earn some money.

First time he was supposed to be helping pick up and drop off DD from school, he picks and chooses where and when he works. He left it until a week before to tell me he had secured himself a little contract some 2 hours away so no chance at all of him. Being able to do school run, so he called his mum, who is brilliant and jumped straight into granny mode, DD stayed with her for a few days, she was open to helping this week, he said no, no I have to prove my point, I’m a father! I am capable of looking after my offspring.

He then gleefully told me today he had arranged to work from home so he could excel at “dad duties”
Fine. At least he’s taking it seriously.

He phoned me 20 minutes before after school club was finished, he wanted help to write up a contract for someone he worked with 2 years ago- he needs help so turned up at our door, hasn’t spoken to him since they stopped working tovether, but that’s not the point.

I said, you NEED to leave to get DD. You won’t make it in time. He left our house 3 minutes before after school club kicked out. It’s a half hour drive.

I called the school and one of the office ladies was concerned that DH mentioned he was working from home but refused to cancel DDs space and now he was late and didn’t even bother to call, but there I was on the phone fairly hysterical because they were supposed to be shut, I am 2.5 hours away and he just had one thing to do.

I’ve now just had a text saying DD won’t be in bed till 10pm tonight.

I am fucking raging. One day. One day. He doesn’t see what’s wrong.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Thanks for the update OP, you seem to have found some sort of resolution through this, albeit not one you would have chosen. Best of luck for the future and for finding a job that suits you and will provide you with a decent income.

[hungryhippo90]

Thanks all for the support!

I had my meeting this week, the reality of the situation was different to what I had been told, so I am currently looking for something else. It hit me hard because over the past week or so I’ve found myself coming to the realisation that my marriage is extremely unlikely to survive the next 6 months, so I really need to get my backside in gear to ensure any kind of stability for myself and DD.

Today H tried to cause an argument, and for the first time ever I grabbed my keys and went for a drive. I found myself feeling proud that I hadn’t allowed him to take over my feelings. I just walked out and got away from him. He was full of promises things will be better when I got back but I’m not holding out- same things that have never changed despite numerous promises.

I’m just not prepared to keep leading this life?

Thanks again everyone.

[Juells]

@SeamusMacDubh

You were obviously getting uppity 😉

[FizzyGreenWater]

I can pay 50% of everything and still have some spending/savings money left over.

I would sincerely hope that you have no intention of paying for 50% of everything unless the split is also 50-50 re housework, childcare - everything.

[SeamusMacDubh]

Go for it. I tried to go back to work November last year, paid for insurance etc and reregistered with the agency I'd worked for before, started working again (only one day a week), DH was going to look after the DC so all good.

After the second week he said he wouldn't look after the DC anymore and that I couldn't go to work. I asked him why and he said it was too stressful and he didn't like it/want to and that he would do overtime on the day he had off. I asked him why he let me sort everything out and pay out for things to get me back into work if he was going to throw the towel in after 2 days and I got a load of shitty, pathetic non-answers.

I am now applying for jobs and and sorting out childcare with a professional setting and I haven't told him about it yet. It won't make a jot of difference to him as he does so little childcare at the moment anyway.

Do it for YOU.

[Feduppluckingmychinhairs]

Hungryhippo I think you are finding you feet in so many ways and you don't even realise. This is going to open up a great new part of your life.

[timeisnotaline]

Congratulations op, sounds like you are succeeding at life, and in spite of your h not because of him.

[sprinklesandsauce]

hungry I used to have my neighbour's daughter from 8.15 onwards when she was working, she now has DD one night a week after school. It is great if you have someone where you can help each other out.

I think regards being late, you are either a person who allows plenty of time, or you are a person who doesn't. I recall XH ringing me to say that he was going to be late picking DD up from a holiday club. I was working 30 minutes away. I told him it was unacceptable and he said it wasn't his fault he got stuck in traffic. No, but it was his fault that he allowed 30 mins for a 30 min journey. I would allow 45 mins and get there early. Another time I was working away from home and he rang to say that he couldn't get DD from pre-school, around 10 mins before pickup time! Both these incidents were after divorce, and caused terrible problems, as he thought I was being unreasonable that he should pick his child up on time and not piss off the people at school/club/whatever!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done OP
You sound so positive and ready for this next chapter in your life.
Ignore sulky DH.

And well done on sending the phone back.
The ungrateful barsteward can sort himself out if he's gonna be like that.
A bit petty to cancel the contract and send t back. A bit tit for tat
Hardly tit for tat.
It's the phone he wanted anyway.
Then he said he didn't want it.
OP was trying to do a nice thing and surprise him.
He's been knock-knock-knocking her confidence for a long time now and this was just another way to tell her she was useless.
And OP took back control! Good on her. Don't knock it.

[ShotsFired]

YEAH!!! Go @hungryhippo90

This is you:

[shabababa]

OP I think you’ve summed up in this thread what a lot of people go through when they’re not the breadwinner. You’re about to take a step and make a change in a way that so so many other people wish they could.

Congrats on the job and I hope it goes well. You shouldn’t be treated the way your dh has treated you and I hope things improve in your relationship naturally now you will be earning and have your own life and no longer ‘just’ the woman who helps out

[runsmidgeOMG]

Well done OP

Your posts sound jubilant and positive. What an amazing day and great you'll have help too from friends. Do not !!!! Let him crush your spirit

[hungryhippo90]

Cayoacan, very much the same here, my MIL runs a wrap around childcare setting- she’s too far for DD to attend, but she’s often mentioned that the same rules are in place. She tells me she’s never had to as of yet in all her years, because usually someone turns up whether it’s an uncle/aunt/gran. Someone collects within that time, whereas my husband told the school he was working from home, still kept the childcare in place but turned up late, were very lucky to have only got the £5 fine.

I’m sorry but to me, that is unacceptable. I leave the house half an hour before school kicks out/starts whatever because traffic varies and it can take me 7 minutes or 30 minutes. I don’t want to be late. Either way I’d look irresponsible. He left knowing he would be very late because traffic at that time, didn’t even bother calling the school to tell them. I think it’s a simple ask to hope that my husband take the reigns and not put our child at risk of being passed to social services on the one day he had the responsibility.

And Nawnee, not in my view. I refuse to pay a contract on a phone for 24 months for a sulky man who won’t appreciate it. I know what phone he wants because he ordered the exact same one a few months ago but failed the credit check, hence it being a surprise for him. It was thoughtful of me to order a phone for him that he wanted but couldn’t get, and sorry but I’m not taking on that kind of responsibility for him if he’s so ungrateful. He can sort it himself.


I’ve spoken with one of the school mums this morning who I’m fairly close with, she said if there’s a problem with wrap around school care- which there is a bit of an issue, she told me to drop DD off with her in the morning and she will get her to school and pick up. I think it could be helpful for both of us, as we can pay her what I’d likely need to pay a nanny, and we will keep the spaces the school have given us (I got a letter last night showing which dates she’s approved for, and which they couldn’t provide a space for) so it’s all sorted and I’m very excited!

Thank you all for the support! I’m even more excited that I can pay 50% of everything and still have some spending/savings money left over.

[Missingstreetlife]

Get childcare, pay from family money.
He is a dog.
Good luck.

[sprinklesandsauce]

hungryhippo Congratulations on the job. I hope you really enjoy it. and well done on cancelling the phone contract, let him get on with it. My XH was useless at doing anything for himself, happily sat back and let me do it all. Never again!

coyoacan UK here, but our school has a sign up saying that if children are not picked up at 6pm from after school club that they will call social services. I think they seriously would as well. Too many parents take the piss by turning up late.

[LannieDuck]

Congrats! And when the dust's settled and you've found your feet in your new role, make sure the childcare and housework is split equally.

I'm guessing you're doing pretty much all of it at the moment? Don't let it stay that way just "because his job's sooooo important". You'll both be working full time (?), and both be bringing home the bacon so to speak, so you both need to share in the chores.

[MiniCooperLover]

Do not let your DH keep up the jokes and trying to put you off this job! He's jealous that he didn't use his opportunity with that firm, so can't bear the idea that you'll do well with them. He deliberately mucked up his childcare duties so he can say 'I've been trying to encourage you back to work, but it just doesn't work for our family' which is nonsense. Well done and good luck 👍

[sexnotgender]

Yay!! I’m so pleased you’re taking the job.

From your last update I can see why he tried to put you off it, he’s pissed at losing his skivvy!!

Good luck I’m sure you’ll be great.

[GaraMedouar]

Congratulations on your new job

[PUGaLUGS]

Take the job. Well done.

He is a nob. End of.

[Metoodear]

Please secure a childminder and just ignore dh it’s awful they can’t be relied upon but it means you can’t work if you do you will feel much better knowing your not being mucked around

[PoppyJ1]

If you are working in this business in some kind of support role, you are helping to generate income. You are carrying out necessary tasks that he would otherwise have to do himself, which would reduce the time he could spend on activities that directly generate money. Same goes for your childcare and housework; if you weren't doing it, he and the business would be worse off.

[PlumsGalore]

Go girl! You sound brilliant and you will be amazing. Congratulations!

[nawnee2]

All the other things aside, your reaction to his dislike of the phone you chose was a bit petty. Plus, when buying something like that, I really think the end user should be offered a choice. Some people really dislike iPhones or would want a specific type of phone. There is nothing wrong with that.

A bit petty to cancel the contract and send t back. A bit tit for tat.

[Soutty]

Congratulations! Make sure you set up a bank account for your wages to go into and only transfer some of them to the joint account or to some sort of separate bills account if you are taking over some of the direct debits. Whatever you do, don't get paid into the joint account.