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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right ? Daughters party.

45 replies

Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 20:44

Hi I am sorry this is not against any part of social hierarchy or class status just the situation we are in now.
Will try not to drop feed and name changes as very outing !

  • It is my daughters birthday shortly ( she is 5 )
  • She attends a dance school locally which is situation in a " middle" and "upper" class area.
A lot of the girls in her class attend the local prep school where as daughter attends a SEN school. I'm a stay at home mum / carer for daughter and have a 11 year old to and husband is a fireman. We rent a tiny 2 bed with a little outside space. We are mid 20's in age. The mums who at the dance classes are all averaging about 10 years older than me and apart from the occasional hello or chit chat about tap shoes we haven't intergrated too well at the moment. My daughter had taken a liking to one of the little girls who is very sweet and wants to invite her to her birthday tea party ( which is in our flat ) My husband thinks that I shouldn't bother putting myself out there to talk to the mum about it as they won't come. He also thinks that if they do then the other girls in the clas will know about daughters lifestyle I.e we don't live in a house or attend prep school etc

But I don't think this is really a big deal ? I mean does any of it really matter to other parents ?

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 10/05/2018 20:46

It might do if you get a Hyacinth Bucket type. But five-year-olds won't care.

If you're worried, could you have the tea party somewhere else? If the weather is good you could make it a picnic in a park or something?

HouseOfGingerbread · 10/05/2018 20:47

Ask her. Most people are kind and don't judge you for not being the same as them. Being a parent of a child with SEN can be difficult and isolating so you do need to work at building a social circle for you and your child. Good luck!

User467 · 10/05/2018 20:48

You should definitely invite her, she will probably delighted. And don't assume you or your lifestyle will be judged, her mum might be lovely and not give two hoots about where you live.

JellyBellies · 10/05/2018 20:51

You should invite her. Just because it's a middle class area and they attend a prep school does not mean they will look down on you!

Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 20:53

Which is exactly how I feel !
I think he struggles with it because we should really live here as we can not really afford the cost of living but at the moment we are stuck !
When our eldest started school here there was a few teething issues with fitting in.
I think he seems to always be slightly ashamed of our lifestyle compared.
But his really adamanet that none of these mothers will want to be social with us 😂
I mean only one has spoke to me so far but I think it's because they all know eachother from school drop offs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 20:53

Shouldn't not should, sorry.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 10/05/2018 20:53

Don't isolate yourself and your daughter through fear of rejection. You might need to weed a few buggers out as you go along but really there is no harm in trying.
5 year olds definitely don't care.

Racecardriver · 10/05/2018 20:54

My children are in private education. I was privately educated too. I don't own a house. My parents owned a house on an astronomical mortgage with asbestos and a roof with holes in it (we had to catch the rain with pots and animals lived inside it.) I think your husband is prejudiced and ignorant. You should give them a chance, very few people would sneer at hard working people regardless of where they live. The only people we have met who have been sneery to us are the new money types but they are quite rare in prep schools. Most are just ostend who work hard and respect others who do too.

Sparklesocks · 10/05/2018 20:54

Your daughter wants her friend to come to the party, so agree it’s worth an invite. Smile

Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 20:56

I don't think he means to be arrogant and he doesn't insult or mock them his just quite protective of us and due to the past can't shake it off ( there was a incident at eldest school ) that I think has effected his feeling towards the whole thing but I'm trying to see that as a one of case otherwise I'm never going to make any friends 😂😂

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Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2018 20:56

Ask her. My 5 year old would be so excited to go to a friend's house for tea especially if that friend's how was different in some way to ours. That would just add to the excitement. At 5 she will have no idea about class or wealth.

AmazingPostVoices · 10/05/2018 20:57

I’m terribly middle class. Large house, nice lifestyle etc.

But I would never judge anyone for the size of their home. I wouldn’t gossip about it either.

None of my equally prosperous friends would either.

Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 20:57

thankyou you have made me feel a lot better though and will invite her for daughter !

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 10/05/2018 20:58

the new money types oh yes I remember hearing about those types on downton Abbey Hmm

NC4Now · 10/05/2018 20:59

Ohh yes, of course ask her! Nice people don’t look down their noses, and most people are nice.
I always judge by manners, kindness, friendliness etc, and not the house my child’s friend lives in.

Leeds2 · 10/05/2018 21:01

I would invite the child. Mum can say no if she wants to (and she may have a very valid reason to say no!).

Nunyabusiness · 10/05/2018 21:02

I think inviting her friend is the right thing to do, think how happy she will be if her chum can make it!!

There's nothing to say that the other mum isn't nice or that she will judge you, go for it!

GreenTulips · 10/05/2018 21:05

We live in a mixed area - council estate and £M houses

Mums have the same struggles and I'm sure you'll find something in common.

I have friends who are very well educated and have high flying careers and friend who are unemployed - so SAHP and some in menial jobs on min wage

They are all lovely helpful friendly people

I do think you are making assumptions about them, but saying you don't want them to make assumptions about you.

A warm welcome is better than a sterile enviroment

starlightmeteorite · 10/05/2018 21:05

I'm so glad you are inviting her.

My dd is best friends with a really lovely little girl, who we have invited here quite a few times. DD has never had an invite back. I know it is because they feel their house in inferior and are embarrassed by it. That upsets me actually, because I don't care where they live, I care that they are nice people, and our dd's are friends.

LBOCS2 · 10/05/2018 21:07

Invite her :)

For what it's worth, I had a very middle class upbringing - big house, nanny, holidays abroad, riding lessons, etc. But my best friend lived in a council flat just around the corner from me. It made absolutely no difference to me at all, and I don't think I even realised that there was a disconnect between lifestyles until I was quite a lot older and we'd drifted apart from being at different schools. The 5 year olds genuinely won't care at all.

Scotinoz · 10/05/2018 21:07

Based on the description, I must be middle class 🙄 My daughter is 4 (5 later this year), and is thrilled a party invitations. She would be massively impressed at a fireman dad. She's never commented on other kids house size...colour of bedroom, party bag contents, birthday cake etc are what she reports on.

I wouldn't care about your house. I'm just happy other kids like my daughter 🙂

If your daughter wants to invite her, invite her.

moofolk · 10/05/2018 21:09

I thought you were going to say you wanted to invite the whole ballet class - nightmare.

Absolutely invite your daughter's friend. Hope the party goes well.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2018 21:10

Invite her - and hand your H a cup of Grow-The-Fuck-Up. His inverted snobbery is his problem - don't let him make it yours, or your DCs'.

He doesn't have any right to interfere with you forming friendships, or trying to - and any man who seems to have an awful lot of reasons why his wife should not socialise with other people is a man to be treated with caution. Does he like the idea of you at home all day, with no one to talk to?

Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 21:12

HAHA no not the whole ballet class !
I really didn't make assumptions I think they are all probably lovely ( I guess we don't genuinely have much in common ) which is why I haven't made friends I don't mean that in a financial way by the way.
We had my eldest at 16 and a few years ago we had a couple of issues with his best friends at the time parents and I think it makes my other half not me weary of putting daughter in a similar situation.
I do however think she was just a horrible person regardless of anything else.
Suppose I just wanted to make sure he wasn't right !!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatezoflora · 10/05/2018 21:14

He doesn't have an issue with me socialising at all honestly his actually really laid back.
I am ok to go out when I want and I often travel back home for weekend with my friends without him.
The last 5 years has been a huge adjustment for us all I really don't think he meant to insult them.

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