To ask, if your Grandparents or their grandparents lived in poverty, do you feel that affected you?

[AjasLipstick]

I do.

One set of my grandparents came from very, very poor backgrounds.

Granddad was born in 1910 in a workhouse and my Gran was born in Liverpool to a docker and a cleaner and both lived in extreme poverty and led hard lives.

My Gran told me terrible stories of growing up in Liverpool...born also in 1910, she lived through some shocking family tragedies and illnesses...

They thankfully improved their lives once married as my Granddad got a good job and they had a nice council house for years. To them, this house would have been wonderful I'm sure as it was semi-rural but not completely impossible to visit Liverpool and their relatives.

I grew up on a council estate near to theirs...a nice one with a good family ...we were not "poor" but managed fine...I was well dressed and fed and we had a holiday every year....but I still fear poverty and have a seemingly inbuilt mistrust of institutions.

I feel very uncomfortable in any council type buildings, hospitals, large educational facilities...and certain architecture makes me feel anxious.

My worst nightmare would be homelessness or no support from family.

Is this what they call "generational trauma" or just a vivid imagination?

My mum grew up very poor but fortunately with very kind parents. She lived in housing that was demolished as being ‘slums’ and then my grandparents were rehoused in a tower block on what became a notorious estate. I’m so proud of how hard she worked to get to university and make sure we had so much more than she’d had.

Lyn blatantly NOT what the thread is about. Who cares what class people consider themselves? Not me.

Lyn . Nonsense.

Self awareness doesn’t negate social class.

Sorry but the absolute majority of people from that generation grew up in poverty. It’s nothing special.

I grew up in poverty. I was poor until I moved abroad and still not really stable.

Stuff like this just seems like it’s piggy backing on the actual working classes real lived experiences.

So many middle class friends who tell me ‘oh I know what it’s like, my parents were poor’.

Until you’ve been actually poor yourself, you have no idea how relentless and awful being poor can be.

Until you’ve been actually poor yourself, you have no idea how relentless and awful being poor can be.

Thisis I’m sure that’s absolutely correct.

I’m very fortunate to have grown up in a reasonably privileged situation but due to my parents and grandparents experiences I don’t make the mistake of ever assuming that it was anything other than good luck.

amazing

But plenty on here are going on about hard work as if those of us who are poor are azy or come from lazy backgrounds.

And all this ‘I’m scared of officials cos me grandparents were poor so I get it’ is just bs.

My grandparents were poor working class but not hugely poor by the standards of the day, and were resourceful and bright. So my parents had sufficient if dull food, mostly adequate clothes ie a set that was warm enough and vaguely fit, and were encouraged to go to school and better themselves (US grandparents had almost no schooling, mum's peers often went to school barefoot, 1950s).
Both parents were the first in their families to go to uni, with the result that I'm as middle class as can be, dad is now perceived as middle class but still has a traditional working class forelock-tugging attitude to authority ("authority must be right or they wouldn't be in authority" - only questioned after retirement, whereas more confrontation about their disabled kid being written off would have been nice).
Mostly I notice the tendency to hoard - my parents pretty much stopped as their finances got better, ILs not, and after years of "waste is a SIN" growing up, I have that tendency too. Having enough food that I could last a month without leaving the house, good. But in a culture where bits of plastic and crafts ooze out of my children, I need to fight the urge to let my kids keep every bit of tat they like.

But plenty on here are going on about hard work as if those of us who are poor are lazy or come from lazy backgrounds.

Yes, it can be difficult for people to recognise their privilege. I read an interesting cartoon strip on just that recently:

www.boredpanda.com/privilege-explanation-comic-strip-on-a-plate-toby-morris/

Hard work isn’t enough. All sorts of things make a difference to whether you can pull yourself out of poverty (or maintain prosperity)

As I said before my parents really emphasised the importance of a good education because that is what had helped their families. They also made sure we didn’t take what we had for granted. You never know what’s round the corner, ill health, redundancy, marriage breakdown etc etc

I grew up in a nice prosperous family. That’s enabled me to provide an even better situation for my D.C. nevertheless I try to ensure that they understand and appreciate their privilege. They also understand that it isn’t assured. They also need to study hard, work hard and make the most of the opportunities they are so fortunate to have.

I can't see many people talking about hard work without ALSO talking about luck, and the way socio-economic changes gave them more opportunities. Just about everyone on this thread seems to recognise that you need both.

Then it can become a competiton - who grew up with the fewest shoes, or sleeping on the floor etc I don't think I should be precluded from discussing the poverty of grandparents just because my parents got themselves into a better position because the backdrop is the poverty in a sense. Eg we had no central heating to start with not that I am saying that is the sole indicator of poverty. I also think those of us who had parents who grew up in WWII, 1 egg a week, my father kept rabbits for food, etc and then parents who were subject to ratioining and national service inthe 1950s have that make do and mend mentality (I certainly do) with us for life and I hope I have transferred that to the children too as it gets you very far in life if you learn those coping skills.

xenia no one’s having a poverty competition but acting like you fear the council because people two generations above you were poor is frankly pathetic.

My grandad was one of the rural poor. Barefoot and underfed. Tied cottages and insecure jobs. It was a precarious childhood that saw him supporting his whole family as a teenager in a slum.
The lasting legacy of that was how my mum was raised. He understood how women who rely on men are often left in poverty when men let them down and made sure his daughter wouldn't be one of those. xenia would have liked him :)
My other grandparents were poor working class but not on his scale of poor.

As young children during the Great Depression in the US, both of my maternal grandparents were each given away for some time by their parents because they couldn't afford to keep them. I believe that the trauma seriously damaged their ability to have healthy relationships with each other and their children. They were abusive to my mother and her siblings, and my mother continued the cycle of abuse to my siblings and me. I now have very low contact with her. I am doing everything I can to stop the cycle with my DCs, but it is so, so hard to do.

harimad the cycle of abuse is REALLY hard to stop. Sometimes I say stuff and it just sounds exactly like my mother even though I hated how she treated me. I make sure that I apologise straight away and make up for it by saying at least three nice things, and I NEVER EVER blame 'being tired' or 'being stressed' or whatever for my shitty behaviour like my own mum did. But the words still come out sometimes, even with constant effort.

Keep going.

One of my Grand parents was one of 14 children (not all survived) and another was an orphan. Stories of pre NHS and food shortages during rationing. My Grandma kept tins of food in various rooms in the house and I am sure this was a legacy from the war times. They led a simple life, compared to today, but I think a happy one. It certainly makes me appreciate the education and freedom of choice that I have in life and work now.

Thisis thank you. My mother can't admit wrong or apologise, so it's really important to me that I do. I hope that I demonstrate to them that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK as long as we own up to them and make things right. I recently read about the 5:1 ratio for good relationships and I think we have it so far!

harimad that's good. It's so hard, isn't it? Demonstrating mistakes and making sure they get tons of love makes up for the occasional slip, I hope.

I mean, my mum said like 99% horrible stuff and 1% over-dramatic 'but I LOOO-oooo-OOOOve you' wailing because I wouldn't put up with her shit that particular day.

No I don't. My maternal grandmother was one of 10 lived in a 2 bed cottage, father a Miller, left home asap. Was widowed young with 3 small children. My paternal grandmother one of 7 spent time in workhouse, when orphaned young.

My own parents instilled the importance of education, cleanliness and respect although not well educated themselves. My brothers and I are all professionals with our own homes although we benefited from a time (1990s) when university education had no fees. I don't know how we'd have fared now.

Df saves for a rainy day through the torrential rain. They had no money through his childhood and he finds it difficult to spend money especially on himself.

Meant to add, they never talked about it and as small children we probably didn't know the struggles they had. Apart from occasionally mentioning how much children had when we were young (they'd probably be shocked at the current generation) they never said how they coped thy just got on with it.

My dad grew up in a mining community in the north east. His grandmother was illiterate, she had 15, only seven survived into adulthood. Dad joined the RAF at 18, having failed to find a job and was careful with money his whole life. He saved and saved and saved some more. The fear of poverty never left him.

15 children.

Interesting thread, and interesting that so many stories are from so long agao.
My Dad (born in 1955) grew up in total poverty, 1 of 14 kids, dad in & out of prison, living in a 3 bed council flat in a rough area of London. Left school at 13 because his mum couldn't afford to buy him school uniform.
Do I feel the effects of it - no, I don't. My Dad became a success through doing 2 or 3 jobs and working every hour he could. Parents are very well off now and my brother and I had a nice childhood.

My grandparents were born in 1898 in a working class, very poor area of Manchester. My dad rarely went to school and left at 13 to join his dad working the scrap metal business, with his older and then younger brothers. My Gran used to tell me that the family would have starved had my dad and his brothers not been bringing home money as kids. There were 9 children and Mum and dad in a small council house. I too lived in council property in the 60’s/70’s but we were comfortable as the family business was then grandad, my dad and his 4 brothers. I felt well off until I got a scholarship to go to ballet (boarding) school in London. It was only when I got there that I realised how poor we were. Think “Billy Elliot” but from a ten yr old girl’s viewpoint. I was ashamed of where I was from. Simple as that.

I feel bad about that now but as a kid I would rather have left the school and never seen another pointe shoe, than admit my family were what they were. Family gatherings became excruciating because I had nothing much in common with the wider family.

My dad, who rarely attended school was a hard man. A drinker, boxer, womaniser, mixed with very dubious characters and had a dirty job all his life. Yet, he read voraciously; Dickens, Gaskell, Hemingway and Steinbeck. He always read The Times. It was perhaps a glimpse of what he could have been had he had the opportunity.

Perhaps OP, your feelings are related to the insecurity we all have at the thought of losing what we have and “going back” to “nothing”. I’m not sure counselling would help. Have you talked about this with any other family members?

My great grandparents (both grandfathers families) were very rich and well to do, some aristocratic. Know nothing about either gran's histories, but I would presume they were poor/working class. For reasons (won't go into as could be outing), both grandfathers lost their family fortunes and ended up working class and my parents were brought up in average conditions. Their lives have affected me in the way that my life could be completely different if they hadn't made the choices they did - but maybe it would be the same because my parents were horrible and a better upbringing probably wouldn't have changed that. My family have had to struggle tremendously for the past 2 generations, and we can't see it getting any easier any time soon. The more we try to better ourselves, the shittier our situations somehow become. I'm definitely materialistic because I grew up with nothing and the small amount I do have now I've had to struggle to get. Once your in poverty, it's very hard to crawl back out and the government like the keep the poor poor.