To be furious at my family for being so careless after such a tragedy

[blabapinksheep]

This has been brought to my attention with the hotter weather coming in. We recently lost an extended family member to cancer. She became paralysed from the chest down and died in a very uncomfortable way. My entire family saw the way this effected her immediate family, children, grandchildren etc.
I would have thought that this would have made them more aware about all forms of cancer but they all refuse to wear suncream! My Mum in particular will absolutely cook herself then act disgusted or shocked when someone tells her or suggests suncream. My brother and his partner are the same, they constantly put tanning oil on and preach that suncream causes cancer not the sun.
Aibu to think that considering recent events this level of carelessness is just ridiculous? My mum has kids and grandkids that rely on her and love her so much and she continues to take these risks.
Everyone I've brought it up with has said it's none of my business and that as long as I've mentioned it to them I should stay out so Aibu? Any tips on what I can do to change their mind?

I keep seeing people say sun cream causes cancer not the sun as "years ago, no one had cancer like they do today"

Let's just ignore the fact we have come along so far medically we can now detect and diagnose the cancer instead of people just dying of "old age" or "sickness"

People mistake correlation with causation all the time. Because there's more skin cancer now than there used to be (probably due to longer life spans and the fact we strip off more to get a tan), they blame sunscreen! The best one I heard was my window cleaner, who insists that central heating gives you cancer because before central heating, there was no cancer.

Agree with everyone else, there's not much you can do to change their minds or behaviour now, it's up to them to live how they want.

My only concern would be if she is babysitting for your children at all and refuses to put suncream on them - that I would have a huge issue with. Last year, my parents took our 3 yr old to the beach for the day and before heading to the beach they took a stroll along the seafront in the morning for half an hour before going back to the car and putting suncream on him. Unfortunately, he's so fair skinned that that half hour with no cream and no shade led to him getting pretty badly burnt on his ears, neck and face. I know it was an honest mistake, but I was so mad at them for it, and was really upset and worried for my child. It did cause an uncomfortable atmosphere between me and my parents, and it's made me feel anxious about them looking after him again during the summer again. Even more annoyingly, I swear I spent most of my childhood holidays under a beach umbrella, with my swimsuit covered with a t shirt as my parents were so paranoid about me getting burnt - the irony! If I felt so strongly upset after an honest mistake, imagine how angry you would feel if you left your child with them and they purposely did nothing to prevent your kids getting burned.

Everything we do or don't do in life carries some level of risk and everyone, even the most cautious and sensible individuals die in the end.

Do I think they are foolish? I do, I am a factor 50 person, even in the U.K. , but I also think you should let this go - stressing so much about matters you can't control is probably bad for you too. Not to mention detrimental to family relationships.

I was having a chat with dh this morning about responding to advice and taking responsibility for our own choices. Dh was talking about people to whom the would never give advice because they would blame him if they followed it and it went wrong. My argument is that grown adults with no lack of capacity need to understand that whatever advice they get given they have freedom to make their own decisions and should take responsibility for themselves.

Wearing sun cream is advised but responsible adults need to make their own choices about themselves, and others need to let them make those choices.

They are not at high risk in the UK. And they are old enough to make their own choices. Unfortunately they are more likely to die in a rta than of melanoma but I agree it's an easy risk to minimise. (more sensibly with shade, cover and a hat than sunscreen).

The only issue you have control over is how they look after your dc. If they are not using sunscreen and hats for the dc you are fully entitled to force the issue.

I found it very hard when people kept on smoking despite witnessing a terrible death from lung cancer.
Some people literally cannot make that emotional connection.
Let them get on with it.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I fully understand why want them to use sunblock, but you can’t make them see what they don’t believe.

My DH is currently worried about MIL. She had an organ removed due to cancer and now has lung cancer. I remember her telling him she doesn’t need sunblock because she’s been sunbathing for 50 years. She genuinely believes that she is immune to the radiation because she’s built up resistance to it.

going through 11 years of education and still thinking that suncream causes cancer shows an amazing level of wilful stupidity. Shame that these people breed but hopefully their kids will listen at school.

OP I understand how you feel. We lost my grandad to lung cancer, my brother started smoking not that long after despite seeing how upset my mum was at losing her dad.

There's no reasoning unfortunately - they'll either see sense in time or they won't.

I'm really sorry about your loss OP.

You have to disengage from the issue, because you can't make them wear sun cream. It's their decision. You're only going to get more upset if you keep trying to pressure them. Protect yourself and disengage.

I do understand a little, a school friend got extremely unlucky with quite agressive breast cancer at very young adult age some years ago. Thankfully she was treated and now cancer free. At the time me and her other friend both gave birth for the first time and we had spoken during pregnancy about breastfeeding reducing the risk of breast cancer. I had an awful time breastfeeding for the first 6 weeks but this thought (and the thought of cot death) kept me going beyond what was sensible/reasonable. Luckily I was then able to keep breastfeeding fine for another year.

My friend however planned not to breastfeed at all because she wanted to leave the baby with others (her mum and husband) at night from few days old so she could get some sleep.

This is not a breastfeeding debate, it's just I could not get my head round this at the time, the diagnosis was just made/she was having treatment etc it was at the front of my mind. I couldn't discuss baby feeding with her AT ALL until babies were onto solids as I was afraid I'd say something.

In hindsight my fear of breast cancer and emotion of the situation was out of proportion to the risk.

They do have the choice to take a cancer risk, just like me eating ham sandwiches. It's not that I feel reckless about risking putting my family through me having a avoidable painful cancer death.
Really I think the risk I will get cancer due to the sandwich infront of me is low, it only increases my risk, and in a lot of ways I am low risk. If you said "have tuna or cheese instead" every time I lifted a ham sandwich to my mouth, it might change my ways, but it would more likely irritate me.
So I'd say just put on your own sun hat and make sure your children don't get burnt.

Sorry reading my long post back it's confusing.
3 women in this story

1 is me
1 is my friend who had breast cancer
1 is my other friend who didnt breastfeed

I do think it’s ignorant of them but really nothing you say will change their mind. We had a similar situation in our family where more than one person died of lung issues/cancer but family members still smoke. I find it upsetting and a bit stupid but it’s ultimately their choice.

So many things can contribute to a persons risk of cancer/death. Some you can't do anything about (genetics), some are big no-nos (smoking, heroin) and others cause small increases in risk (drinking alcohol, being obsese, not exercising enough, wearing suncream, skiing, driving a car, eating a ham sandwich). So we make choices. Our own choices.

If you spend your whole life trying to ward off death you will be unsuccessful eventually, and you may have missed living your life in the meantime. And very few forms of death are peaceful and lovely, truth be told.

I think saying that not using suncream means that you can withdraw compassion and to accuse people of stupidity is incredibly unkind.

I think when it comes to cancer is feels as though we are besieged by triggers. Eating ham, using bleach, using talc, drinking alcohol, eating red meat, eating white meat, painting your room, living in the city, living near a farm that uses pesticides, living near heavy industry, soot, wood dust, x-rays.

Are we to withdraw our compassion from everyone who takes a risk?

You can't force people. Agree with elementree literally anything (or nothing at all) can cause cancer if you're unlucky. Ok, it's not great to see people doing things you know have risks but we had a friend who was a non smoker who died of lung cancer in their twenties, yet my grandad had been on 40 a day for the last sixty years and still going strong.

My sister accompanied me to all of my chemotherapy treatments and used to have a cigarette before we went in 'to calm her nerves'!!! Same sister started smoking at 15 as our beloved grandad was dying from lung cancer.

with the levels of understanding of risk, correlation and causation on this thread - give up.

YANBU. It irritates me that people don't realise that a tan is sun damage. Just because you're not red, doesn't mean you aren't doing your skin a ton of damage. People mock me as I use factor 50 when abroad. Fucking idiots. Having a tan isn't a sign of wealth as it used to be. If anything, it is usual the less well-off that seem to think a tan is a sign of health/wealth!

Gromance people, mainly ILs, laugh at me for using 50 spf too. My late father was a very pale red head and just like him I burn very easily. In fact I burnt last week, before the hot weather arrived, because I forgot to put proper sunblock over my 20 spf face cream 🤦‍♀️

My cousin died of lung cancer and her brother still smokes like a chimney, he really doesn't care

I understand your worry, but it's not like they don't know that suncream helps protect, it's that they don't want to use it. So protect yourself and your children but everyone else has to make their own decision.

I do know how you feel, my Mum smokes like a chimney, not only do I hate the smell but I also know what it's doing to her lungs. But her decision, her body and her responsiblity.

My half brothers mum had a kidney removed because of cancer, his brother has cancer but he used to buy his daughter cigarettes when she was 15

Mrsplum, no at risk in the UK, you should wear sun protection ALL YEAR ROUND, look up the stastics for the various skin cancers in the UK. Someone I knew, who was sensible, and did wear it died last from from melonoma. I had skin cancer lump removed from my back last year, my late Father had sin cancer but refused to discuss it, said I didnt need to know his health issues, of course, I did because it makes me more at risk. My DH black hair dakr brown eyes, not the usual condidate, had one removed from his face/lip last year, they take a big piece away to make sure they have got it. Our DD has a double risk, from just us, and my DGS was born with a very large rare mole, which must always be covered by 2 layers, will be a nightmare when he gets older, and doesnt want to obey instructions. Unfortunately, though you cannot change people.Mine was in the middle of my back I couldnt see it even with 2 mirrors, if it hadnt itched and bled, I wouldnt have known about it, but I can certainly see the 4.5 inch scar left. There is a 70% chance of it coming back. I went to a skin check charity day, where I was checked given a letter for my GP, and told that for every 100 who atend 25 will have a problem.