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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so OVER this party and furious with DH

40 replies

Likeadiamondinthesky · 10/05/2018 09:39

DD is turning 6 on Saturday. I have a very close family and every year her grandparents, aunts and uncles come for her birthday - everyone loves it and it's always been an amazing day.

This year she wanted a class party with her school friends and i had invited family to attend too. They live between 2 and 4 hours away so cannot just come over for a couple of hours. Everything was fine until DH (who btw didn't want the party in the first place) said that he didn't want his parents to come to the party as he finds them embarrassing and that he would invite them on a different day.

So that then causes problems with my family who feel guilty for coming when they know that PIL aren't invited. Then i agree with DH that my family will just go out for a meal during the party, just turn up for the last half an hour and then all come back to our house.

My sister has messaged me this morning and said that she doesn't think she can come if she's only coming to the end of the party now (as it's such a long trip).

I am so furious with the situation - I'm sick of all the secrets and trying to keep DH happy. There is no point speaking to him about it because he just doesn't want to know and he 'didn't want a party in the first place'. Even though he says this every year and always has a great time. I've put so much effort into this party for DD and just want to say forget it to everybody.....

OP posts:
Furano · 10/05/2018 09:42

Invite your family to the whole thing.

DHs relationship with his parents is his own thing. Your relationship with your parents is your own thing - and you want them to be there.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 10/05/2018 09:43

Send dh on a message, maybe to buy himself some anti twat spray and have the party that your dd will enjoy.

MismatchedPJs · 10/05/2018 09:48

Now you're in this situation, invite your family to the whole thing.

I do know where your sister's coming from. An invitation for the last 30 mins of an all class party then the tidying and collapsing afterwards isn't very appealing! It might make more sense to give DD separate gatherings in future, as extended family will probably enjoy that more than attending a party with 30 small children they don't know, DD will be more able to interact with them than when she's busy with classmates and she will hardly miss out by having 2 parties!

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 10/05/2018 09:51

They weren't just coming to 30 mins...they were coming back to ours afterwards for a get-together.

She says she can't come now and she's already cancelled the cattery for her cats.

For various reasons, this was the only day that everyone could make it.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 09:52

Invite your family to the whole thing. You can’t match your relationship to your family to your dhs with his. When my dh doesn’t contribute enough to something he will then enjoy I suggest he doesn’t come. He usually changes tune pretty quickly.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2018 09:54

Why does your husband think it's reasonable for his relationship with his parents to dictate what happens with everyone else?

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 09:55

Invite your family to the whole thing.

DHs relationship with his parents is his own thing. Your relationship with your parents is your own thing - and you want them to be there.

This pretty much, all he said was he didn't want his parents coming (if I understood your OP right?)

Ifailed · 10/05/2018 09:56

everyone loves it and it's always been an amazing day Doesn't look your DH does. Your daughter wanted to invite her friends, you want to turn it into your families party - I do wonder whose party this is?

Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 10/05/2018 09:58

Trinity Yes, but then he said I couldn't invite my parents either otherwise his parents would find out and wonder why they hadn't been invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Likeadiamondinthesky · 10/05/2018 09:59

Ifailed It's not about the party, it's about coming over for her birthday. It just so happened that seen as they were there they could have attended the party too.

OP posts:
Furano · 10/05/2018 10:00

Yes, but then he said I couldn't invite my parents either otherwise his parents would find out and wonder why they hadn't been invited.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

HoneyBadger32 · 10/05/2018 10:00

I think at 6 she is old enough to transition into class parties, the family party is for you, and in this case it has turned into a bit of a shambles, but in future I would just do class parties and see family another time if they want too.

Trinity66 · 10/05/2018 10:01

Trinity Yes, but then he said I couldn't invite my parents either otherwise his parents would find out and wonder why they hadn't been invited.

Oh dear, that sounds a bit dictatorish, if he doesn't want his family there that's his call but he shouldn't be telling you what to do with your family

Hoppinggreen · 10/05/2018 10:02

So he didn’t want his parents there you you couldn’t have your family there? That’s very U
However, I probably wouldn’t have invited eithe rfamily to my DD’s party with all her friends and afterwards I would prefer her to have some quiet time and unwrap presents rather than have family there for another party - it’s all a bit much for a 6 year old in my opinion
Yiur DH is being a dick though

Kaykay06 · 10/05/2018 10:02

He didn’t want the party? It’s not HIS party, I wouldn’t have changed my families attendance for him or his he should be ashamed of himself.
Sounds like it’d have been a lovely day, hope he’s happy he’s ruined it. Shame for you OP leaving you stuck in the middle x

onalongsabbatical · 10/05/2018 10:03

So that then causes problems with my family who feel guilty for coming when they know that PIL aren't invited.
or then he said I couldn't invite my parents either otherwise his parents would find out and wonder why they hadn't been invited.
Which is it? Hmm

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/05/2018 10:03

Give her a class party. Go see your family another time.

Marmaladdin · 10/05/2018 10:04

he said I couldn't invite my parents either otherwise his parents would find out and wonder why they hadn't been invited.

Nah, he doesn't get to decide that. It's a party. Invite who DD wants plus family, friends etc. DH's relationship with his parents isn't your family's fault. Shame your Dsis can't make it now. Just make it clear they are all welcome and apologise for messing them about.

timeisnotaline · 10/05/2018 10:05

It’s not his party, and why does he get to tell you not to invite your parents? IF he never wanted to see his parents again that would be his choice, but would you really agree if he said you can never see yours again either, because it wouldn’t be fair? You shouldn’t let him dictate. Honestly I would suggest he not come and he can arrange his own celebration to show dd he loves her, because his attitude is all about him and this party is for her.

gamerchick · 10/05/2018 10:06

The answer was staring you in ththe face all along OP. Tell him he’s not invited and carry on with your plans.

Lethaldrizzle · 10/05/2018 10:08

What on earth can be so embarrassing about his parents?Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/05/2018 10:11

Sounds as if your husband has ishoos. So his parents are embarrassing. And? Is he 12? Unless there’s a big back story, he’s being a real dick. The party isn’t about him, it’s about your dd. Never mind, lesson learnt. Can you call your sister and get her to come for the whole thing? It would really upset me if I had to drive 4 hours to not attend the party.

Cuppaoftea · 10/05/2018 10:11

The answer was staring you in ththe face all along OP. Tell him he’s not invited and carry on with your plans.

This.

He needs to get over himself, it's your daughter's special day to celebrate with family and her friends.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/05/2018 10:11

Well he can't tell you not to invite your family - that's ridiculous.

Is there any reason for him to be embarrassed by his family? If not, he is just being silly.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2018 10:11

Does he generally expect that either his orders must be obeyed? Or is it a matter of wanting to keep up the idea that he 'doesn't want a party' so that he doesn't have to do any of the work involved, either in preparing or clearing up, despite the fact that you say he enjoys it when it's happening?

It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick in the cock if he is expecting that everything be rearranged around his whims, and that no one else matters.