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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want people calling in unannounced and mollycoddling my baby

50 replies

Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:45

I am expecting and I have one set of family members that I am particularly apprehensive about.

They live close by and will think nothing of dropping in unannounced daily. I know they’ll be over, lifting and kissing and cuddling the baby without asking for permission first and that’s just not okay with me. Two are cousins without kids of their own but who will feel compelled to give me yarns of parenting advice and tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.

I don’t want to cause a rift within the family but how can I make the boundaries clear - that I don’t want daily visitors and when they do come I’d like advanced notice. Also that when they are here they won’t treat the baby like a doll or a game of pass the parcel?

Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:
peachypetite · 10/05/2018 08:48

You don't have to answer the door.

KirstenRaymonde · 10/05/2018 08:49

Say that ‘I don’t want daily or unannounced visitors’. Say you’ll be getting used to being a mum and adjusting to baby, also living on baby’s schedule so could be sleeping or eating any time, and therefore may not answer the door if not expecting anyone and would prefer visits to be arranged. When it comes to them not just picking baby up, I think you’ll just need to be firm and say ‘sorry no one is holding baby today’ or hold them yourself. But people do like holding babies and you might find it gives you a break if you have a baby that always wants to be held, so try to stay open minded. Maybe they can hold baby while you have a shower/make some food/stick some washing in!

CaledonianQueen · 10/05/2018 08:50

This should do the trick OP!

To not want people calling in unannounced and mollycoddling my baby
Original poster
Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:51

Love this @caledonianqueen Grin

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/05/2018 08:51

I can understand it's annoying. However the novelty will very quickly ware off, I promise.
I'll say this only once but You'd probably have something to say if no one took an interest. People love new born snuggles, don't they and it doesn't necessarily mean that just because a person isn't a parent themselves they know nothing about children. I mean just look at supernanny.

MotherofDinosaurs · 10/05/2018 08:52

None of this has actually happened though has it? You've just made it up in your head. Try not to get too defensive about imaginary events. Isn't it nice that you have family who are interested and want to give you their time and attention?

Original poster
Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:53

God no, I absolutely don’t mean that they are clueless about children or wouldn’t know because they don’t have any - they are just the type of people to “know everything about everything” and force their advice on all subject matters down ones throat.

OP posts:
Amanduh · 10/05/2018 08:55

Them turning up all the time isnt ok and you need to tell them IF it happens.
Cuddling and lifting the baby doesn’t sound like a problem..

Original poster
Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:56

@morherofdinosaurs - no absolutely you are right - I am lucky. Just one particular cousin visits a friend and her family every single evening at the same time and has done for about nine years and I know for a fact that it grates on her friend from time to time so I just don’t want them to think that level of intrusion would be welcome with my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:58

All just to be clear, part of the reason I have an issue with the cuddling and kissing the baby is one is an extremely heavy smoker who always wreaks of cigarettes and the other is prone to having cold sores, which I know is a danger in itself

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 08:59

You will totally change your mind when baby is actually here! Lol.
I have a 5mth old pfb DS and I was so anxious reading these various threads on Mumsnet before he arrived. In reality none of them have even vaguely been an issue.
Family came to hospital the day he arrived - it was absolutely heartwarming to see how in love with him they were already!
People call in unannounced to see us, people want to hold and cuddle him, people buy stuff and give advice!
How bloody lucky we are to be surrounded by so many people who are interested in our little boy, how lucky I’ve been to have people come and hold him (once 3 friends came and held him ALL day) so I can use the loo and get jobs done. How lucky we are to have people falling over themselves to look after him for us if we want to go anywhere as a couple (we’ve only done this 3 times but really appreciate the offers!).
Just how very lucky we are to have people...some people have no one.

Bite your lip at the small things that might irk you and choose your battles carefully...then remember how lucky you are.

Woshambo · 10/05/2018 09:00

This is what I'm dreading. We have dogs that bark if the door goes unexpectedly. Strange they don't bark at post man etc. My OHs family turn up just now when he's at work and I'm sleeping for my 10 hr Nightshift. They've been told several times which is infuriating.

Very anxious about having a newborn, being tired and having to deal with this so I'll be watching you're threat in anticipation!

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 10/05/2018 09:01

I just wouldn't answer the door to unexpected visitors. I would give them opportunity to come and see the baby at plenty of pre arranged times though. Also don't worry about mollycoddling a baby. A baby can't have too many cuddles and kisses! (unless they're likely to wake it up with kisses while it's sleeping!).

MaryShelley1818 · 10/05/2018 09:04

Obviously cold sores are a big no no!
I was very nearly going to ask my best friend to change top/scrub hands etc as a smoker before holding him and am now glad I didn’t.

Cornishclio · 10/05/2018 09:05

Caledonian queens notice looks good!!

MotherofDinosaurs · 10/05/2018 09:05

Oh yuck jellysausage with you on the smoking. You should tell this person the NHS advice re newborn babies and third hand smoke (wash hands, change top, wait half an hour after a cigarette) they might well have a helpful leaflet you can hand over. Don't worry about causing offence, your newborn's health is way more important than anyone's need to smoke. Also, rememberyou can choose not to answer the door or phone some days Wink

Handsfull13 · 10/05/2018 09:05

Third hand smoke is a problem. I would make it clear anyone coming over can't have smoked just before arriving or must bring a clear change of clothes if they want to cuddle the baby.
I have friends in America that make their family arrive shower brush teeth and change clothes before seeing the baby.
I'd make it clear to all visitors that you are going to try and have a routine but until you find one they must phone before coming. And a missed call means it's not a good time as you are probably sleeping. And don't answer the door unless you are expecting someone.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 09:07

I hated it with my first so with my second I just out right told everybody - no kissing on lips, no holding them. Of course I allowed a cuddle at first but there were no pass the parcels after having their initial cuddles.

I think I phrased it something like “I really want to kiss him on the lips but I can’t because it’s apparently really bad for babies. Did you know? Honestly I thought the midwife was going to do it yesterday and almost had a heart attack, haha.

he gets really fussy for the next hour or so if I’m not holding him and I’m attempting the whole attachment parenting thing.... which may or may not be of any use, but we will see!”

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 09:07

Also I had a no visitor rule so that ruled out random visitors. Like hell I want random drop ins with a newborn

Original poster
Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 09:09

@handsfull13 - oh wow! I would love to follow your US friends suit but I think that would be the cause for a whole other mumsnet thread and not posted by me! Haha

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/05/2018 09:10

FranticallyPeaceful

So how did that work? A one minute cuddle and then never again?

TomRavenscroft · 10/05/2018 09:15

Er, just don't answer the door or let them in.

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 10/05/2018 09:15

just because someone knocks on your door, does not mean you need to invite them in

SheSellSeaShells · 10/05/2018 09:23

I remember someone ringing the doorbell when the midwife was visiting me after my second was born. She looked at me and asked "are you expecting anyone", when I said no, she went and opened the door and said "I'm very sorry but we've just had a baby and are busy" and shut the door. (still makes me chuckle)

MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 09:42

I felt exactly like this when pregnant with my first.

It's a weird hormone thing I think, and something about the idea that suddenly the baby wont be "just yours" anymore.

I used to get so angry and lose sleep thinking about potential post birth visitors. I didn't want any! And I hated them all in advance.

Turns out as soon as the baby was out I was desperate for people to come and see what I'd made!

Also, turns out the novelty of a newborn soon wears off and then you'll be wishing for more visitors. Someone to make you a tea etc.

My mother in law came and stayed for a few days and it was wonderful (and when pregnant I'd been like "fuck that, she can stay in a hotel if she has to be closer")