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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want people calling in unannounced and mollycoddling my baby

50 replies

Jellysausage · 10/05/2018 08:45

I am expecting and I have one set of family members that I am particularly apprehensive about.

They live close by and will think nothing of dropping in unannounced daily. I know they’ll be over, lifting and kissing and cuddling the baby without asking for permission first and that’s just not okay with me. Two are cousins without kids of their own but who will feel compelled to give me yarns of parenting advice and tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.

I don’t want to cause a rift within the family but how can I make the boundaries clear - that I don’t want daily visitors and when they do come I’d like advanced notice. Also that when they are here they won’t treat the baby like a doll or a game of pass the parcel?

Thanks in advance :)

OP posts:

R2G · 10/05/2018 09:49

Hate people turning up without checking first. YANBU

jugglingsatsumas · 10/05/2018 09:53

Don't let them in if you don't want to! (Also sounds like you have a problem with cuddling not mollycoddling).

ConciseandNice · 10/05/2018 09:53

People who just drop in unannounced even without a baby are bad enough- with a newborn it can be awful, but the novelty will wear off. It really will. Maybe when the baby is a couple of weeks old you’ll be desperate for visitors (that said unwelcome advisors are always the pits).

MillicentF · 10/05/2018 09:57

Fine to not want unannounced visitors. Mane sure everyone has your mobile number and say please text first. Or do as a friend of mine did and announce a time when it would be fine to drop in. 2-4 on Mondays and Wednesdays or something like that.
But it's good for healthy babies to be cuddled by people who love them. So you're being unreasonable there!

Lucywithout · 10/05/2018 10:01

Try this:
I was reading on Mumsnet about a new Mum who does not want visitors who dont ask if it is convenient before they pop in. I expect you can understand I will be a bit like that too.
And like her I will not want the baby handled all the time especially when people haver a cold sore or smoke heavily.
They are not to know its your post!

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 10:03

@Nanny0gg cuddle and then give my baby back.

Why would they never be allowed to hold them again? Seems like a very weird comment . I just don’t come from a place where other people feel entitled to show up randomly to my home and play pass the parcel with a baby human - never knew there was such a place in fact.

echt · 10/05/2018 10:08

How do you know this when it hasn't happened?

Two are cousins without kids of their own but who will feel compelled to give me yarns of parenting advice and tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing

How do you know this? By the way, having a child doesn't make you an expert, and not having doesn't mean you know nothing. I'm guessing this is your first child so you'll know nothing, only what you feel.

If you want advanced notice, just say so. You say you fear a rift. You can't have it both ways; making your boundaries clear may or may not piss others off. You're the grown up.

BadTasteFlump · 10/05/2018 10:21

Seashells I love your midwife and I want to hire her as my personal bouncer

MillicentF · 10/05/2018 11:02

"no, she went and opened the door and said "I'm very sorry but we've just had a baby and are busy" and shut the door. (still makes me chuckle)"

How incredibly rude!!

MillicentF · 10/05/2018 11:04

OP-your update changes things. Of course heavy smokers or someone with a cold sore should not hold a newborn. Or a baby of any age, actually-and you should say so. Very firmly. Why didn't you put that in your OP?

TeddyIsaHe · 10/05/2018 11:11

Oh op, I’ll bet anything when baby is here you’ll be so proud that if people don’t show up you’ll get pissed off. There’s so much more to worry about than people holding a baby. And if they outstay their welcome, tell them you need to breastfeed and don’t want company do it. Sorted. I loved seeing everyone so happy and in love with tiny dd, it makes me all emotional thinking about it!

Dieu · 10/05/2018 11:20

I am cringing at that poster. It is so incredibly precious.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/05/2018 11:20

No, she just went and answered the door and said "I'm very sorry but we've just had a baby and we've really busy" and shut the door. It made me chuckle.

I'm with Millicent on this one. I don't think it's in the remotest bit funny. It's down right rude and uncouth to slam the door in someone's face.
The things that amuse some people. . Now my life doesn't seem so sheltered after all.

GinUnicorn · 10/05/2018 11:59

I'd hate uninvited visitors too and probably wouldn't let them in! Re cuddles it can be a bit tough when people want to hold your newborn for more than five minutes. Luckily they need feeding so often there is an easy way to get baby passed back.

Storm4star · 10/05/2018 12:15

If I went to visit a friend/relative who had a baby and they got all uppity about me holding it (providing it was awake and not asleep) I’d be thinking ok you have fun with your baby, and not visiting again! Although OP would probably like that! Lol. But I see this a lot on MN, mums being super territorial over their babies. IMO you will just end up with a clingy child.

However, I also don’t think it’s right to turn up unannounced. I would never do that. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for advance notice.

itallhappensforareason · 10/05/2018 12:18

I have the same worries about a family member who lives nearby. She thinks she's going to be round "all the time" helping me and whilst I'm appreciative for the offer and whatever advice she can give me, I don't want to feel suffocated by it. I find it quite daunting that she's done the whole baby thing before and I haven't, I feel like I'd be judged and would feel conscious about looking after my own baby in front of her (and others). I really want the chance just to be left alone with DH and baby so we can all find our own feet together. Obviously family members are more than welcome to come and visit now and then to see baby but don't want people there all the time at all. I think you just need to be straight and say you would like some time to yourself and you'll let them know when you're up to having visitors.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/05/2018 15:01

You are NOT being rude. This is about being apprehensive about people who have already demonstrated on many occasions that they don't consider your feelings and do exactly as they please. Don't let people tell you this is trivial. Its not!!!
Even without a baby I'd put my foot down about people calling without asking, if that is not your style.
You have to stand up for yourself and now for your baby.
I think you should just say something to them about your concerns in plain English. Dont apologise or make a joke out of it. Be very plain so they cannot misunderstand you. I am sure you can work out a way to do this politely, but firnly. Repeat repeat repeat if they don't listen to you. and blame it on hormones or something if they try to make you feel you've over reacted. You are NOT over reacting.
People can be absolutely stupid around babies.
My horrible boss inisted on holding my young baby, even tho I didn't want him to.. I was overruled by stupid onlookers. It was all about getting attention for himself. He then, before I could stop him, took my baby's dummy out of its mouth and sucked it thinking it was hilarious and then HE PUT IT BACK IN THE BABY'S MOUTH!!! before I could even stop him. I couldn't get there in time. Made me feel absolutely sick to my stomach and he knew it would and it still upsets me to this day( yes, I know what everyone will say about dummies but this little chap had colic and I needed to sleep sometimes)
It's your baby and if these people are inconsiderate then you have to put your foot down. This is not rude, this is making sure that they don't walk all over you. You are a mother now and newborns are fragile. I am sure you can find a way to communicate this. Don't let people talk you out of it. It's clearly bothering you and yes we can all imagine things that may not happen - but sometimes you are imagining it because you know the people involved and have a clear idea of how they may behave. Say your piece and then stop worrying about it. Get OH to back you up. Very best of luck.

Eolian · 10/05/2018 15:03

YANBU, but I don't think you mean mollycoddling.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/05/2018 15:08

ps. I also had a friend of OH's who lived abroad and stated that she was coming to stay with us in our first baby's 1st two weeks, in our house, to "help out" (have a cheap UK holiday accomodation) . I had to make a stand and say no and was considered "disagreeable and selfish" but I knew I couldn't cope with a stranger in the house just after giving birth and I never regretted it. Everyone soon forgot about it anyway.. and so will your relatives.

DragonMummy1418 · 10/05/2018 15:12

My FIL is terrible for this. Constantly just taking my DS out of my arms without asking.
Part of the reason I liked breast feeding, he's gone to take DS from me and realised in a super embarrassed way that he was feeding 😂 😂

You have to lay down the rules from the start and be really firm about it. Make sure everyone knows that coming over without phoning first will mean they are left on the doorstep even if you are home.

megletthesecond · 10/05/2018 15:14

Yanbu.
I has this with my first and it was miserable. Hardly anyone helped and they all just waded in.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/05/2018 15:19

Dragon.. I had the same thing!! A cluster of relatives turned up within half an hour of my return from hospital. I had to sit there struggling to breastfeed wedged in on the sofa without enough elbow space whilst they all sat there drinking tea and staring at me. Bloody Ghastly!!!

HesterShaw · 10/05/2018 20:35

None of this has actually happened though has it? You've just made it up in your head. Try not to get too defensive about imaginary events. Isn't it nice that you have family who are interested and want to give you their time and attention?

^
This

You read of so many new mums (particularly mums not dads) who feel socially isolated. Just go with the flow and see what happens - they might not want to come and visit you and hold your baby. But if they do, remember that's entirely normal. People like babies and have been holding other people's babies for thousands of years. If the bell rings and you don't feel like company, don't answer the door.

Ivygarden · 10/05/2018 20:35

OP, am I right in assuming this is a PFB? Chill out love. People holding the baby isn’t going to harm it in any way- newborns sleep loads and he/she won’t actually notice or care who is holding her/him. You might be grateful for the opportunity to go and have a shower. You are talking yourself into feeling a certain way and you might feel very relaxed with baby and realise that they aren’t made of glass.

woodsies1975 · 10/05/2018 23:25

Do the Dutch thing and send a birth announcement out telling people you will be resting between certain times. Give an hour a day when you will receive guests. We did it, after a couple of weeks on our own with just immediate family popping in.

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