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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit disappointed?

34 replies

supersop60 · 10/05/2018 00:10

I had a whatsapp message from my niece this evening, showing pics of her wedding. It was obviously a small civil ceremony - just parents, best man and maid of honour. For a year now, she has been planning her wedding in Ibiza, on a beach. I'm going, flight and accommodation booked, looking forward to it. My niece is also my god-daughter and i have been hands on since she was a baby, she even lived with us for a year quite recently. I know I should be happy for her, but I can't shake the nagging disappointment - if she's married now, what's the thing in Ibiza all about? It feels like it won't be real IYSWIM. I'm the only one from my family going (too expensive for DP and DC to go too)because it meant a lot for me to be there. Now I feel I've missed the 'real' wedding. Someone talk me down....

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 10/05/2018 00:13

It's cheaper to wed here and 'marry' abroad - but that isn't a real wedding - the excitement etc has been done and gone

Don't go

Use the money to gobaway with your kids

Original poster
supersop60 · 10/05/2018 00:21

I've spent the money already. I didn't realise that the Ibiza weddiing wouldn't be legal. It was never mentioned that there'd be a civil ceremony in the UK. They are planning a party in Uk for those who can't make it to Ibiza.

OP posts:
Kocerhan3 · 10/05/2018 18:57

I'd be upset too, I think your relationship with her is more important so grab a cuppa before replying. Calling might be better so nothing comes across wrong or snappy. But I'd definitely be asking the question

dragonwarrior · 10/05/2018 20:21

I might be wrong but some weddings abroad aren't legally recognised here - Jamaica being one. I feel like Ibiza is one of those countries.

dragonwarrior · 10/05/2018 20:22

Here. Unless they are catholic it isn't legal so would have to get married here too.

https://www.ibiza-spotlight.com/weddings/needtooknowi.htm

Original poster
supersop60 · 12/05/2018 08:23

I sent a 'congratulations xxx'. My dsis says that they were intending to do the legal stuff much closer to the beach ceremony, but for boring logistical reasons they had to bring it forward. My DN is adamant that no-one else should know, and that everyone should think they are still engaged. I think she knows that a lot of people would have been upset at not knowing, or not being invited. I'm over it, and looking forward to buying a lovely dress!

OP posts:
InanimateCarbonRod · 12/05/2018 08:27

We did this. Legally wed before our "wedding" in Italy.

The bureaucracy in Italy for getting married was too much of a headache. It was much easier that way.

It may not have been legal but the ceremony in Italy was the real one for us. We were surrounded by family and friends and we said our heartfelt vows in front of the people we love most in the world. To us that was the real wedding.

It's not worth falling out over.

wellBeehivedWoman · 12/05/2018 08:31

My friend is having the legal part a few days before her wedding because they want a friend of theirs to officiate the ceremony and he isn't a registered celebrant. She is treating that as no more than paperwork and sees the important bit as the wedding.

I admit I was a bit Hmm at first, but I've come round to it now. I think it depends on what you think is important. If it's not a church wedding then the legal bit really isnt much more than just signing papers. The wedding is where vows are made and the public commitment happens. I've made peace with it now!

TartanCurtains · 12/05/2018 08:32

Sorry to go slightly off-topic, but weddings in Jamaica are legally recognised in the UK Dragon.

I tripled checked before and after i did it!

PleaseAndThanks · 12/05/2018 08:35

Similar thing happened to us. ‘Wedding’ in rural Italy in summer holidays which would cost us about £1500.... but we aren’t invited to the actual wedding which is an hour from us and would have cost us £100. Nor am I invited on the hen do.

We shallnt be going.

pasturesgreen · 12/05/2018 08:42

Can you get your money back on the accommodation you booked? Flight shouldn't have been too expensive assuming you went low cost. I'd decline the whole Ibiza palaver, tbh, but I'm pretty like that.

Spudina · 12/05/2018 08:53

Wow, I got married in Italy ten years ago and now I'm wondering that I'm not actually married!! There wasn't any bureaucracy, just a quick meeting with an official at the town hall before. And we never registered our marriage in the U.K.as that was a faff. If we lose our marriege certificate we literally can't prove we are married. But I digress. I can see why you are disappointed OP.

Thiswontendwell · 12/05/2018 09:10

My nephew and his fiancé are having their wedding in France later in this year. We (me, DP and teenage DPs) are going and arranging our summer hols around it.
I can't wait!
I'm aware that they are having a quick registry office thing before hand over here but I'm sure they will have some readings etc on the day.
And I will feel just as emotional as I would if the legal deed was being done at the same time.
I am sure it will be absolutely wonderful....and I am delighted that we are going to be able to celebrate with them. It's their choice to do it this way and I'm happy to help them mark the start of their marriage any way they choose.

dragonwarrior · 12/05/2018 16:45

@TartanCurtains have they always been do you know? I know a couple who married there and when they divorced actually didn't need to as it wasn't recognised. I swear I also saw it on Don't Tell the Bride. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
supersop60 · 12/05/2018 16:50

My DN definitely sees the ceremony in Ibiza as the real thing in front of friends and family.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 12/05/2018 16:54

I doubt you are really married, Spudina. You need to fill in paperwork in the UK to legalise it. Wasn't that what happened to Jerry Hall when she tried to divorce Mick Jagger - they weren't legally married anyway. Supersop just go, wear your lovely dress and enjoy it.

spinn · 12/05/2018 16:54

I did what your niece has and had the ceremony in the U.K. before getting married in Greece - as far as I was concerned it was purely logistics and paperwork, it wasn't our wedding.
We didn't tell anyone except for our witnesses (not even my parents knew or even know now!)

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2018 16:57

They consider Ibiza to be the main thing, surely that matters more than which piece of paper means what

rookiemere · 12/05/2018 16:57

That's really rubbish OP. What on earth is the point of a destination wedding when the bride & groom are already married. But I see you're ok with it now so enjoy our trip.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 12/05/2018 17:09

Our "illegal" wedding (humanist ceremony) was our "real" wedding. We did the legal bits the day before with immediate family only (literally the bare minimum, no rings, no bridesmaids, no best man, no readings, no vows). Literally just in, minimum legal declaration, sign a bit of paper and done.

The humanist ceremony where we made our vows to each other, witnessed by our loved ones, with readings and celebration was our "real" wedding as far as we (and everyone else) was concerned

Pimmsypimms · 12/05/2018 17:46

We had to legally get married a couple of months before our actual wedding day due to logistics too. We didnt tell many people, only had witnesses there, only had a few pics taken, but to me, that wasn’t our wedding day. Our wedding day was the ceremony where all of our friends and family were around us and that’s the date that we celebrate our anniversary and not our legally married date.

MatildaTheCat · 12/05/2018 17:51

SIL did something similar and I felt similarly but when the big wedding was held and we all attended it felt just as special and authentic as it would have done if the formalities hadn’t been completed a couple of months earlier.

Try to put your disappointment aside and go to Ibiza and have a blast.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 12/05/2018 20:33

I'd be disappointed too and wouldn't be going unless there was no refund on anything. I think it's awful to trick guests that way, expect them to pay for a trip abroad and be watching a fake ceremony for all intent and purposes.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 12/05/2018 20:54

You have been invited to a party, not a wedding.

StopBeingNosey · 12/05/2018 20:58

Both my dbro and my dsis did this as the
places they wanted to have their wedding ‘party’ weren’t licensed for proper weddings. I’m incredibly close to both of them but didn’t attend either official ceremony. It was just my dm and their partners dm at both. It’s absolutely fine. They had the wedding they wanted, with the people they wanted there and just considered the official wedding as form filling. My dsis wore jeans for hers then they went to McDonald’s afterwards!

We’re they properly dressed up in the full gear with flowers and speeches and stuff? If they’d done that I’d be a bit miffed but if it was just getting the piece of paper I really wouldn’t overthink it.

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