AIBU: not always wanting to take DS friend’s sister too?

[HeavyMetalMama]

So, yesterday I wanted to take my 10yo DS to the local park on his bike and he asked if his friend could come, who lives a few houses down. Naturally, I said yes. I texted his Mum who then said “Yes but his little sister will be so sad”. Now, I don’t mind as I usually babysit both a bit in the holidays, but I felt a bit peeved. I’ve got a 7 week old demanding, exclusively BF baby and physical disabilities, and so to me having 2 slightly older children is a lot easier than adding a 6yo to the mix, especially one who isn’t keen on instruction and while they’re all on bikes. The Mum does have my DS over occasionally and took him to the fair once with her and her children. I took all 3 of course, but where does it end? Days out? Sometimes I just cannot take both.

So, AIBU?

I understand why she asks if the younger can tag along- most parents do this

Erm, no, they absolutely don't.

Ok- clearly juts where we are then- and maybe I’m a mug as there is no younger child I’m palming off- juts taking DD’s friends younger siblings. Good to know. And no, for the record, YANBU for not wanting to take them.

Respond with "Aw bless her but I think it's important that the boys get to bond together and she will benefit from one to one with you! :D"

No way do most parents do this. Brutus you are bloody cheeky if you try and palm off all the siblings.

I have boy/girl twins and I have NEVER asked someone else to take the other child, even if the other gets 'sad' or asks to go with. A child having a playdate with their own friend or fiends is important. Its also quite nice for me to spend some time alone with one child whilst the other is out. The mother could have arranged an activity or a playdate for the six year old - we often do one out, one in - saves the any muscelling in.

She is also bloody cheeky asking you when you have a baby as well. Next time she hints, ignore the hint or if she asks directly say. 'I think its enough with the boys and a new born'

I don't think the mum is necessarily out of order to ask. Some younger siblings do feel terribly left out and not all older siblings mind having them tag along. And in some cases, it isn't much extra trouble for the supervising adult to have an extra child on their hands. No harm in asking.

At the same time, there is no harm in you saying no, it doesn't work for you. I like a pp's idea of giving the mum the option to help make it work: "Say she's welcome to come but mum will have to come too" and then once you've got the mum roped in you can tell her that you need to take baby home for a nap and leave her to look after the older three.

Brutus - apologies I just released it wasn't you saying mist parents do this. Sorry.

“. I understand why she asks if the younger can tag along- most parents do this, if it’s a casual thing and not an official ‘playdate’”

Nope, never once been asked. Or asked another parent.

I’ve never once been asked for the younger sibling to tag along. This woman was completely out of order considering you have a newborn. Someone upthread said how some older siblings don’t mind the younger one tagging along. The other child in the equation, this time ops ds, also needs to be considered in this decision. How does he feel about not being afforded 1-2-1 time with his friend? Did looking after the little girl make more work?

Turns out I’m too soft for my own good. One day I’ll learn, but it’s always me who gets roped into things as I can’t bear to be a meany to the little ones!

That's not soft. That's being a pushover who people will take advantage of. She has not asked you outright. I'd reply with an 'oh bless. Mummy/ daughter time Will cheer her up I bet'

“Sorry got my hands full with my little one and DS just wants to play with your DS. Can he come on his own or not?”

She’s a CF wanting some child free time!

“She”ll be so sad”

“Oh dear, I’m sure you can make it up to her though with some one to one time”

Haha. Genius!

Something like "I can't manage all the kids by myself, but If you come too you could bring her along?"

Certainly it was never expected that I could tag along with my older brother, which is probably why we have such a good relationship still.

Just say “I can’t take her aswell as it’s too much with the baby”
She will have to find a way round the 6 yr getting upset. Like everybody else would have to x

Yanbu. I was the much younger sister where my 2 year older sister would be made to take me to her friends houses and sleepovers. Back then I was thrilled but now I feel bad about it. We have a brother too so it's not like my parents were getting peace and quiet without us

YANBU, the 10 years olds are friends, I used to get this with my DDs best friend, the mother would let the young DD come to my house, on her own, walking along crossing roads, at 4, saying "my Mum says Ive got to come to" they were particularly close, the two sisters, she gave me no option, I cant slam the door on a 4 year old, and leave her on her own, God knows what would have happened if we had already gone out. As you have a tiny baby and disabilities its even more unreasonable of hr to expect this! Kids do moan when siblings go out, tough, life lesson

Yanbu. You’ve got enough on your hands.

Next time she guilts you just play oblivious and make her spell her request out. People like this thrive on passive CF. Respond “well I am sure there is plenty of space if you want to bring DD”. If she says “can she just come” say “sorry, I can’t watch 3 and a baby safely”.

Just to add: I hate this hint/ guilt CFery. I almost respect it more when someone is honest and says “ I’ve been trying to finish X task for hours but the kids have so much energy. Would you mind DD joining for an hour then I’ll come get her?”

The whole DD will be so sad trope makes me think “well good thing you as her mother are responsible for her and her well being so if she can’t cope then maybe your DS should stay home”.

People think having multiple kids entitles them to bulldoze everyone with their needs: parties, play dates etc.

So younger siblings are meant to go on all the older siblings play dates now? Bonkers

Just ignore her message about the dd.It wasn't a question so just take the boys as planned .She's a CF wanting a child free day

I have twin boys - both now 16. They have made separate friends at school and sometimes one gets an invite and the other doesn't. Obviously the one left is a bit hang dog or a few minutes but I don't ask for him to go, I tell him to suck it up. So YABU, either don't take her suggestion, or if she asks outright reply "Not sure I can manage all 3 and baby, you're welcome to join if you want to bring his sister too".

She's a CF who wants child free time! Agree with the suggestion to just say "aww" and not discuss it any further. Make it clear if she won't let the friend go without his sister then you will stop taking him.

@nannybeach Oh wow, I feel like there’s a lot more going on there than I have! Good thing you were a responsible adult!