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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL wants to decorate nursery

66 replies

Woshambo · 09/05/2018 20:10

My SIL has been sending me pictures and on the phone to OH saying how she will decorate the nursery for my baby coming.

I think the thought is very sweet, however, I'd like it to be something me and OH do ourselves as it's our first child.

I know she's excited and wants to do it, I feel terrible if I say no and that I'd rather we do it. I have just recently started speaking to her again so refusing her will probably get us talked about and called ungrateful.

What should I do?

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/05/2018 20:34

It sounded at first like she’s cery young but i can see she has a DC herself. Is she an artist? Who decorated her DD’s nursery then?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2018 20:41

Why can’t you politely and firm say NO. Find some spirit and presence to say no.
She will only come and decorate if she reckons your a pushover.dont be a doormat
And no you don’t need to defer to your dh,hoping he’ll tell her to hop it.cause he won’t

Original poster

Woshambo · 09/05/2018 20:46

@trunkisareshite that's what I want! The bonding and memories.

@mimibunz lol it's not a case of Manning up I'm afraid. I stopped speaking to her around Xmas because she threatened me and I wouldn't let it go. The only reason I want to avoid altercation is because I'm 19 weeks pregnant

OP posts:

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 09/05/2018 20:46

work out exactly what you are going to say before hand and stick resolutely to that.
I get what you mean about being a reactive person. It is hard when people get wound up and say mean and unfair things to you... the best thing to do is stick very firmly to what you have pre planned on saying.
Keep repeating to yourself in your head that you cant deviate from what you decided to say. If things get too heated from her side then just stop replying and dont communicate again until you are calm.

You are not being unreasonable to want to decorate your first child nursery yourself. You do need to tell her asap though and very clearly tell her before she starts buying things and it all gets worse.

Leeds2 · 09/05/2018 20:51

Tell your DH to tell her no!

I would have appreciated the help, but if you don't want it then that is entirely your choice. I also wouldn't let her choose the decorations under any circumstances.

Juells · 09/05/2018 20:52

If you refuse she'll get shouty?!?! I wouldn't let her across my doorstep, and would HOPE that she'd go NC.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2018 20:53

Good grief she threatened you?sounds like a ghastly woman. Are you safe around her
I hope you have a happy pg,free of unnecessary sil hassle
Nonetheless you need to calmly find your voice

Original poster

Woshambo · 09/05/2018 20:55

@thetriangleisarealinstrument that's actually a great idea. I never txt or call people I like saying things face to face but I suppose I could just call her and if she doesn't listen I can just hang up. If she comes to the door I'll just tell her to fuck right off before my toe goes up her arse ask her to leave.

Can I just say thanks to u all for replying to me. This is one of those things idve stewed on and handled awfully in the end. This has actually validified (is this a word) my feelings and gave me a clearer way of handling a potentially explosive situation.

OP posts:

Notagainmun · 09/05/2018 20:55

How did she threaten you? Please don't be bullied. Call the police if she physically threatens you.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 09/05/2018 20:55

Do you think she’s being nice, or is she trying to engineer another fight with you?

She sounds a bit mad...

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 09/05/2018 20:55

You need to be very careful that she doesn't collude with your DH behind your back and do it as a 'surprise' then act the victim when you lose your shit over it.

slithytove · 09/05/2018 20:56

Surely this isn’t difficult?

‘Oh thanks sil but I am so excited about doing it myself, bet you felt the same way for dd”

And then do it yourself/with dh!

Northernparent68 · 09/05/2018 20:57

If she shouts when she does n’t get her way, she is n’t fit to be around your child.

slithytove · 09/05/2018 20:58

Ah just read your update that she threatened you.
So it’s abiyt control from her part.
Honestly I’d block and ignore and make it clear to dh that you will be doing it together.

Have you spoken to her since Christmas?

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 20:59

That is a totally weird request. It’s also not great that your dh isn’t being more supportive if she has threatened you in the past. dh should very clearly tell her no you guys are looking forward to doing it yourself with your own ideas. It would help if the other option if he doesn’t deliver is you tell her to fuck off, might help him tell her as the lesser of two evils

LannieDuck · 09/05/2018 21:06

Is it your DH's sister? In which case he should be the one to tell her a very clear no.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 09/05/2018 21:07

Really,there are some very lovely tasks associated with pg,things for you to do
Buy clothes
Set up nursery
Chose pram
Write birth plan
Chose name

And if you chose to invite sil or others to participate that’s your choice,it can’t be an imposition

coconutpie · 09/05/2018 21:14

She threatened you and now your afraid of hurting her feelings? Fuck that. I don't know why you would even stay in contact with her - she sounds horrible. Tell her to fuck off and don't have anything else to do with her. Don't expose your child to such a nasty person.

ChiefSuspect · 09/05/2018 21:16

It sounds interfering and controlling on her part.

The very fact that you feel uncomfortable about her potential reaction if you say no is very telling.

LittleGreySheep · 09/05/2018 21:17

Oh dear, another middle aged woman who aspires to be an interior designer. You could let her draw up a mood board and provide inspiration, then you choose what you want?

Tillytrotter123 · 09/05/2018 21:21

Like trunkisareshite said, those moments of putting everything together and getting it 'just right' are magical, don't let her take that away from you. If you give into this it will set a precedent and she will think you will just give in. Over the following months you may find that lots of people are overpowering and bossy (I certainly did anyway), so you need to learn how to say no now. If it causes an argument it says more about her. If you really don't want to rock the boat maybe suggest something else she could help you with, baby clothes shopping, picking fabrics for the nursery etc. Good luck x

Original poster

Woshambo · 09/05/2018 21:26

Yep physical threats are common where I live. I'm not scared of her physical threats as it's laughable how pathetic it is. She will never be with my child unsupervised and I've spoke to her one other time since she threatened me and I called her on it. I'm pregnant so more careful about my word choice so as not to provoke anything but like I said I'm also reactive.

I see it as a control thing too and she's always bitching and casting up other things she's helped her family with.

Fuck it, she can do what she wants but she's not interfering with my child or decision around them. She feels she's entitled to anything of OHs just because they're bro n sis.

I think I've just done a "drip feed" sorry!

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 09/05/2018 22:22

Where in God's name do you live??

Cmad116 · 09/05/2018 22:29

My family are all majorly excited / OTT with things for our baby as its the first baby in the family. Im beyond greatful atm my mum and brother in law are decorating the nursery but me and my hubby chose the colours etc just where he works 6 days he doesnt get time to do it atm. However if i dont want them to do something i put my foot down and make a point of saying this is our baby not your baby. Dont be afraid to say no but also be happy to accept help where you can saves you doing it!

FrozenMargarita17 · 09/05/2018 22:37

Just do it before she can??

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