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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do next, brother living with us longer than expected

43 replies

VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 16:43

I really need some advice,I am a total loss at what to do next. I'm a married mother of two boys aged 2 & 4. I've been married for 5 years and living back in this county (from Spain) for 3.

Back story... My older brother (he's 37, I'm 35) went back to uni and was living with my parents who funded him for 2 years for him to get his degree. he gave up part way through and ended up with no qualifications. My parents asked him to leave.this is where I stepped in and offered him a place to stay. He had no job, savings etc. At the beginning I said 8 months would be adequate to find a job and save for his own place. I didn't charge him any rent (or food money or bills) for the first 6 months thinking he would be saving. This didn't happen, he didn't work at first and just lazed around the house. At month 6 I charged him £200 per month (including food and bills) in the hope he would do something. We are now at month 9 and I dont know what to do. He is working now but a minimum wage job, despite being the 'clever one' in the family. Our relationship is suffering as is mine and my husband's. I don't know how or if to broach the subject with him. I feel bad but also cannot afford to subsidize my elder brother when I have my own family.its a 3 bed house and my boys are sharing a room.

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 09/05/2018 16:45

It's now past the 8 months, just ask him to move out as agreed. I know it's hard, but he's an adult. Your husband is a saint.

scurryfunge · 09/05/2018 16:45

You need to be blunt and give him a timescale to leave. Don’t enable his behaviour.

InfiniteSheldon · 09/05/2018 16:47

What was your parents plan? Time to back then up and implement it pronto.

Barmaid101 · 09/05/2018 16:47

Kick him out!

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 16:47

You need to give him notice, he will live with you forever if you don't,,,,and your husband won't be living you,

You could him with benefits, applying for social housing and looking for bedsits, but give notice,

SunshineAfterRain · 09/05/2018 16:49

I would be sitting him down and telling him he has had adequate chances but he should be out by the end if the month.
If his own parents won't support him why should you. He is an adult. He should support himself.

MimiSunshine · 09/05/2018 16:49

You’ve gone past your own deadline so if you want to be nice he is on notice from tonight to move out at the end of the month or if not he has until the weekend.
He is only being feckless because you stepped in when your parents got sick of being where you are now.

KevinTurvey · 09/05/2018 16:49

Tell him he needs to leave by a certain date.

Cuppaoftea · 09/05/2018 16:50

Give him a month's notice, if he's working he can rent a bedsit or room in a shared house.

Might give him a reality check.

UpstartCrow · 09/05/2018 16:50

You tell him that he is taking the piss, he's used up all of his favours, and give him 2 weeks notice.

Original poster

VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 16:51

My parents were hoping he would "sort himself out" ..not sure me stepping in was the best idea but at the time I never envisaged it taking this long!

OP posts:

Snugglepumpkin · 09/05/2018 16:51

Give him a date to move out by & stick to it.
You told him it was temporary when he moved in & he is clearly not going to move out until you force him to.
He is an adult man & he is not your responsibility.

gryffen · 09/05/2018 16:53

Your family aka kids and husband come first so unfortunately it's time for him to leave.

Talk to him and advice him that in x amount of days it's leaving time and at end of that day his stuff will be outside.

BreakWindandFire · 09/05/2018 16:54

I knew someone in exactly your position. She let her angry bankrupt brother move in while he 'got on his feet'. He didn't leave, and her marriage broke up under the strain.

Not only do you need to set a date, you need to set a deadline measured in weeks not months. Because it will probably take months, and if you set a deadline for a few months it will drag on for years.

Ruffian · 09/05/2018 16:54

Your dh has been amazingly patient! It's a shame to see someone waste their potential and there might be underlying reasons but I don't see what more you could do and you could end up with far more serious problems if your relationship breaks down.

Give him a time-frame - a short one - for moving out. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to go back to your parent's though.

bonnyshide · 09/05/2018 16:57

I would give him one months notice. Give him an exact date you want him out.

You need to put your own family first.

Hidingtonothing · 09/05/2018 17:06

You have to bite the bullet and tell him OP, he sounds completely unmotivated which means he won't do anything unless you make him. Keep it simple and factual 'DB this was always a temporary arrangement, it's already been longer than agreed and (while you've been happy to help him get on his feet) it's unfair on everybody (him included) for things to continue as they are'.

I can never understand people who have no perception of 'intruding' into a family home, it's rarely comfortable for anyone having an adult family member staying long term and it says a lot about him that he is able to put his own needs above your family's when it's obvious the situation is far from ideal for you, DH and DC. It's not ideal for him either truth be known, he needs to stand on his own two feet for his own sake as much as yours.

Don't let him guilt you when you tell him, he's had 9 months to sort this and if he has to do it all in a rush now that's his own fault. Give him a firm date, offer to help him find somewhere if you want to but be absolutely clear he has to stick to that date. It's the right thing for all of you, including him

Original poster

VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 17:09

Thank you for all of your replies. Ithink I needed to know I'm not wrong for thinking he should move out. Were also going through a ruff patch financially which just makes it worse!

OP posts:

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 09/05/2018 17:11

Give him notice. But warn your parents first and come up with a joint plan.

Hidingtonothing · 09/05/2018 17:12

You're definitely not wrong OP, I had a similar situation with a friend of DH's and am 100% sure he would still be here if I hadn't made him leave. Good luck, we'll be here for handholding before/during/after you tell him if you need us. Do it today, get it over with

Trinity66 · 09/05/2018 17:13

he's an adult, if you kick him out he'll have no choice but to find himself somewhere to live, you allowing him live with you was just making him not have to do that. Kick him out for the sake of your own family

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/05/2018 17:16

Seeing as he is a CF he may well be shocked and angry when you tell him he has to move out. For that reason I would message him in advance so he has a chance to get it into his head before he discusses it with you. It also reduces the chance of you caving to pressure immediately.

"Hi brother, we need to talk later about when you will be moving out. I expect you have plans afoot already now we are past the original 8 months. Anyway, this is just a heads up that we'll need our house back to ourselves by the end of May.Talk properly later x"

givemesteel · 09/05/2018 17:21

Give him a month's notice and make it clear you mean it, I would get him a load of boxes on amazon and check every week he's packing and looking for places to live, otherwise he could still be there having done nothing.

Tell him you can't afford for him to stay and you need to put your marriage and kids first.

In two weeks ask to see a photo "of his new place" as "you just have found one by now". Make it clear he is going whether he's found somewhere or not.

Learn from it and don't offer to bail him out again.

TonTonMacoute · 09/05/2018 17:23

It would seem that he is one of those people who will quite happily sponge off others for as long as he is allowed to get away with it.

Your parents have thrown him out, and now it is your turn. Don’t feel guilty or bad about it, just do it. You have a young family who are your priority.

sprinklesandsauce · 09/05/2018 17:31

I can see why you took him in, but now you can see why your parents asked him to leave. He is a grown up, responsible for his own life, and they presumably wanted their house back to themselves, as now do you.

Help him to find accommodation he can afford, probably a room in a shared house, or a one bed flat, depending on where you live. Round here a one bed flat is around £400 a month to rent.

See if he is entitled to any tax credits or other benefits, but once you have done that, leave him to his own devices.

He will never ever stand on his own two feet until somebody makes him.

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