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Original poster

What to do next, brother living with us longer than expected

43 replies

VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 16:43

I really need some advice,I am a total loss at what to do next. I'm a married mother of two boys aged 2 & 4. I've been married for 5 years and living back in this county (from Spain) for 3.

Back story... My older brother (he's 37, I'm 35) went back to uni and was living with my parents who funded him for 2 years for him to get his degree. he gave up part way through and ended up with no qualifications. My parents asked him to leave.this is where I stepped in and offered him a place to stay. He had no job, savings etc. At the beginning I said 8 months would be adequate to find a job and save for his own place. I didn't charge him any rent (or food money or bills) for the first 6 months thinking he would be saving. This didn't happen, he didn't work at first and just lazed around the house. At month 6 I charged him £200 per month (including food and bills) in the hope he would do something. We are now at month 9 and I dont know what to do. He is working now but a minimum wage job, despite being the 'clever one' in the family. Our relationship is suffering as is mine and my husband's. I don't know how or if to broach the subject with him. I feel bad but also cannot afford to subsidize my elder brother when I have my own family.its a 3 bed house and my boys are sharing a room.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 09/05/2018 17:31

Ask him to move out. Your parents kicked him out, you can do the same. Give him a months notice. He can rent a room somewhere. He’s not your problem.

Grump1 · 09/05/2018 17:31

Is he unwell in some way, depressed, lonely, problems with other relationships. Does he need to see a gp or counsellor about motivation problems? Give him a leaving date but if you are willing - offer some moral support to see his gp, maybe invite him round once a week for supper, then gradually hopefully he will build his own life. He sounds lonely, unaware and immature. You need to prioritise your own relationship. Good luck.

Original poster
VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 18:02

Thanks for your advice everyone. Hard as it is going to be I will speak with him tomorrow. Just to add he is a very intelligent person and is more than capable of getting a good job. He just seems to not care

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/05/2018 18:10

Remember it is not your responsibilty to find him somewhere else to live.

Don't get involved at all. Don't suggest options, don't look things up for him, don't find out about benefits. He is an intelligent man. He can work those things out for himself. If he isn't making progress, you letting him shift the responsibility onto you will be a disaster. Before you know it he will be rejecting every suggestion you make as you get more and more frustrated putting more and more options in front of him that he rejects on flimsy grounds while he tucks into the dinner you cooked for another 9 months.

Do not get involved in his house hunt at all. "You'll work something out."

icelollycraving · 09/05/2018 18:14

Well if other adults keep rescuing him, he clearly will happily let them.
Time to make a stand. Your immediate family of your making are your priority.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 09/05/2018 18:18

Is he unwell in some way, depressed, lonely, problems with other relationships Hmm
He is an adult, not the OP's responsibility. he doesn't need excuses to be lazy whilst the OP is lovely.

Of course OP, do give him a few weeks, which is plenty to find alternate accommodation. Do not let him come up with excuses, have a look yourself so you can see what is available in your area. He might even be able to move within a week, most people do! (but I am South East London to be fair).

Don't feel bad, by giving him excuses to laze around, you are not doing him any favour.

Ruffian · 09/05/2018 18:21

I wonder why he doesn't care? There obviously is some kind of issue, I don't suppose this is the life he envisaged for himself approaching 40.

kissthealderman · 09/05/2018 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoffeeOrSleep · 09/05/2018 18:45

Agree you need to give him a date. Remind him that he agreed to leave by 8 months and now it's 9 months on and he's not gone or made firm plans to leave. Tell him you would never have let him move in at all if it was presented as a long term plan.

You know, forcing him to address his lifestyle might be just the kick up the bum he needs to get his shit together before he leaves his 30s.

Original poster
VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 19:40

Thanks, I really hope he does!

OP posts:
coconutpie · 09/05/2018 20:34

Why would he care? You and your parents keep bailing him out. Tell him he has until the end of May and then he's gone. After that, not your problem. In fact end of May is even too generous. Your own family need to come first now. You have already given him 9 months - plenty of time to get his shit together. A grown ass manchild is not your problem.

Original poster
VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 20:49

So.. I just called my parents to let them know what I was going to do and get their advice on timescales etc. Looks like my mom is going to have him back there!! No words really but at least y conscience is clear? Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice x

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 09/05/2018 21:13

He is working now but a minimum wage job, despite being the 'clever one' in the family

Is it the snob value of a min wage job that's upsetting you? perhaps he's pissed off with everyones expectations? He's working. The issue is whether you want him living with you. Or not. As the case may be. Not what his job is.

19lottie82 · 09/05/2018 21:16

Even at minimum wage he should be clearing about £1k a month. Where is the other £800 going?

Tell him he needs to move out. Maybe give him 2 months to get enough cash together for a houseshare or bedsit. He’s taking the piss.

Furano · 09/05/2018 21:19

Just talk to him. “Hey Bro, we agree 5 months and it’s been 8. Starting to feel cramped and SH and I would like the house back to ourselves. Please can you make arrangements move out by the end of June? Cheers”

Original poster
VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 21:26

No, you've got that wrong. It's nothing to do with being snobby. A minimum wage job just does not pay for a decent life privately renting when you run a car. Especially being a single man. That is a fact. If he is going to leave he will need more money to have a comfortable life.he is also 37, very intelligent and tbf wasting his time working for minimum wage.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 09/05/2018 21:28

Looks like my mom is going to have him back there!! Thought so.

glitterfarts · 09/05/2018 21:38

I would give him a date of 2 weeks, so you can use the next May bank holiday weekend to sort your boys into separate rooms.

Since your Mum will have him back, it could realistically be this weekend. Nothing stopping him. Or you.

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