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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she's the CF not me

52 replies

wikiwow · 09/05/2018 09:47

I got pregnant around the same time as a family member's close friend decided she didn't want to have any more children. I was the only person she knew who had/was having a baby so she decided to give me all her old things she no longer needed (moses basket, bath seat, baby chair) etc. I offered to pay for these things and she refused, I was very grateful. Anyway fast forward a few months and the family member who's friend this is, very unexpectedly, got pregnant and she came to me and said "friend says I can have all her stuff now, when can I come collect it", I was shocked initially but wasn't using some of the stuff anyway so took it over when she was around 20 weeks. She had a checklist on her phone from her friend of all the things I had to give back! I was so offended, it's as if she thinks she can't trust me. Anyways I've been slowly giving the stuff back as my dd grows out of it but I got a text the other day saying I need all the stuff back now please and a list of what I still had (she's not even nearly due and as I said it's still in use) I took the things round to her house including a bath seat that I'd still been using (she only has a shower) Also a moses basket for which I gave her my brand new mattress as the one her friend gave was used and tattered. She said oh "friend has sent me a link to her moses basket mattress as it's more expensive than yours, can you bring that". Bare in mind she's aware I've never used a moses basket as I ended up co sleeping so it's not like she thought I'd nabbed it for myself. AIBU to think this is absolute CFery. I wouldn't have minded giving the stuff back but the way they've gone about it has made me feel like utter shit and like I'm the one being cheeky!

OP posts:

Want2beme · 09/05/2018 10:52

YANBU. I cannot even compute. They are disgraceful.

loopylass13 · 09/05/2018 11:00

I would have refused especially as her baby hadn't even arrived yet. I would simply state that friend GAVE you these items and when you don't need them anymore, that she'll be given first choice of anything that is still in good condition. But that they belong to you now and she can't just expect you to hand them over. Very rude. I think with the demanding tone, I would not have given back a thing. I would have charity shopped it lol

jaseyraex · 09/05/2018 11:20

So rude! I dont think I'd have given her any of it with all the demanding and lists. You are definitely not the cheeky fucker here, they both are!

One of my friends sisters gave me lots of baby stuff when I was pregnant with my first. Fast forward almost three years and the sister was pregnant again and asked for all the stuff back. Needless to say I didn't have most of it anymore, and they were horrified that I'd given her stuff away. Neither my friend or her sister have spoken to me since. Not a bad thing, maybe you should cut ties too OP

tradervictoria · 09/05/2018 11:21

This is also why I insist on paying, even if it's a small amount. Then the items will be yours. A lesson for everyone here.

Both of the other people are as bad as each other IMO.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2018 11:29

Rude as hell!

ValleyClouds · 09/05/2018 11:39

In the nicest possible way OP you have been rather a doormat here.

Once these gifts were given they became your property and no one can dictate you hand it over.

You should have responded to your very CF relative "well it's too late now as your friend gave them to me in good faith you can have what I'm not using straightaway, and you can have what I'm not using when I'm ready"

Does this relative, a massive CF, have form for walking all over you?

MrsHathaway · 09/05/2018 11:41

A friend lent some things when I had DC3 but with the proviso that she would need them back (she has since had another baby). Things like a Moses stand which are stupidly expensive for how long you use them, and a bag of clothes ditto. I think she got at least 90% of the right clothes back but certainly the quantity and quality was the same and the Moses stand was right. That was fine because I knew up front (and could have declined if I wasn't comfortable).

The usual set up for baby things is that they are passed on, with the expectation that they will eventually be passed on somewhere. But you only get to choose about your step of the passing on, not any steps beyond that. Sometimes someone might say "we've finished with the things you kindly passed down to us - do you know of anyone else who'd benefit or should I ask at toddler group?" but that's a courtesy beyond obligation.

In my experience most people are delighted to get stuff out of their house to be used by someone else. Sometimes I'll see the child of a FOAF and think "that jumper looks familiar" and it gives me a lovely warm feeling - especially if it came second hand to us in the first place so it's on its sixth wearer!

mzcracker · 09/05/2018 11:42

I've never come across people like this irl. Who the hell has friends like this?
So so rude!

Whitesea · 09/05/2018 11:54

Something similar happened to me when a distant cousin offered me all her (then age 7) child's baby things. I didn't really want them all but she brought bags and bags of things to someone else's house for me to pick up so I felt I had to take them and be grateful for them but I didn't really want all of them at all and didn't have the room to store them. Six months later, she got pregnant unexpectedly and asked for them all back. It didn't save me any money in the end as I had to go out and buy a cot, baby equipment and everything else and to this day she is the 'kind woman' who gave me 'everything' in everyone's eyes.

OP - I'd either take your new mattress back and give it to a charity shop rather than leave it with your friend. It is beyond cheeky of them, it is extremely rude and I understand how you feel. x

justforthisthread101 · 09/05/2018 11:55

So rude. YANBU.

I don't know when things got so rude though. I recently put a piece of baby equipment on FB to sell locally. I have encountered nothing but shocking rudeness from the people enquiring about it so I've taken it off and am chancing my luck with Ebay. At least I don't have to talk to them until they've paid and are coming to collect it.

kateandme · 09/05/2018 12:08

tell her you too passed it on.it is nowyour to do with as you like.
would you be brave enough to refuse to give it back.its yours now surely.

Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2018 12:12

Did she lend them, or give them? If she hase them to you, she's not entitled to have them back and she's jolly lucky you're such a kind person. And yes she's a CF!

roseblossom75 · 09/05/2018 12:15

They sound like a pair of school girls fighting over toys.
Maybe when she becomes a mum herself it will make her change her ways and realise there are a lot more important things.
They are being childish and rude. Most adults don't go about things in the way they have.

stayathomer · 09/05/2018 12:22

I don't know, is there any chance it's a bit more innocent than that and the list is just a 'here's the things potentially you can tick off your have to buy in a shop list?' It was sill of her not to come yto you first but I'm not sure it's as big a deal as people above are making it, some people just fdon't think of etiquette, being diplomatic etc

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/05/2018 12:27

Why did you no say no??? "x gave me those items so they are mine, she has no say in if or when I pass them on or to whom. Luckily when insm finished with them you are welcome to them, I will let you know when that is and you can collect" it would have been simple

IrmaFayLear · 09/05/2018 12:29

I think a lot of people think they retain rights over items after they have given them away.

A while ago I swapped a dining room table for a zoo membership. A couple of weeks later there was a ring on the doorbell and a random woman stood there, asking if she could have the zoo membership as it was half term and her friend had said she’d given it to me. I was too taken aback to say anything, so handed it over. When I saw her outside the school, I asked for my membership card back, and she said original dining room table woman had asked her to pass it on to yet another person. At that point I gave up. I should have sent a few people round to borrow the dining room table seeing as this is obviously how things work...

achoocashew · 09/05/2018 12:42

Why didn't you just say no to the person who's asked for the zoo membership card?

Honestly, CF get away with it because people are doormats! Just laugh and say, no, it's mine.

HandbagCrazy · 09/05/2018 12:43

Demanding you give back all the things you were given is definite CF territory, but the audacity of that coupled with the demand that you deliver the items is something else.

I would just tell her you're happy for her to have the stuff back. You'll put it all together in your house and she needs to collect it by Friday.

Original poster

wikiwow · 09/05/2018 15:46

Only issue is she's dad's godmum! So if I caused any upset then it wouldn't just be bye to a distant family member. Also she has a form for gossiping about people to anyone who'll listen so I know I'd end up seeming the bad one. I've sent a message saying she's free to collect it when she wants and received no reply as yet...

OP posts:

NWQM · 09/05/2018 16:21

If you mean she is your daughter's godmum then I'm afraid you made a bit of a poor choice there especially if you cant say what you think to her without worrying about her walking away. Is she the role model you really want - grabby, not prepared to wait for things, prepared to see her god daughter go without?

FranticallyPeaceful · 09/05/2018 16:26

Omg. You’re a better person than me. I’d have told her to go fudge herself and thrown the shit on my front doorstep for her to collect if she wishes.

Absolute C-F of the highest caliber

RuggerHug · 09/05/2018 17:18

Wait a minute, does the original owner know about this or has CF just demanded it from you?! Am I reading that wrong?

Original poster

wikiwow · 09/05/2018 18:17

@NWQM she's never been like this toward me before. She helped me out a lot int he past but now I'm questioning my decision but I did mean dd oops! @ruggerhugger she knows yes, she gave family member 'permission' to take it all back

OP posts:

RuggerHug · 09/05/2018 18:22

wikiwow But is the original owner a normal person? Do they know what has happened or could they just have said 'sure ask wiki when she's done with what I gave her, I'm sure she won't mind' and the CF has twisted that to GIMME NOW!?. I'm not doubting you, I just can't see how 2 people would think it's ok.

GummyGoddess · 09/05/2018 18:33

I haven't heard of stuff just being lent before, it's always given with the expectation that the receiver has to find another baby to pass things on to. I have actually just been given back things I gave to a friend, but that's because I'm pregnant again and she still happened to have it. If I weren't pregnant I would expect her to find someone else to give the things to.

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